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Debunking the Myth of Ann Rand’s Reptilian Origin

By Conspiracy Theorist Nicola Novakowsky

Recently, the credulous fools at the Skeptics Guide to the Universe had a long and serious discussion as to whether or not American/Russian philosopher and author, Ann Rand, was a reptilian. While they were on the right track about Lady Gaga being an elder in the Illuminati, they unfortunately have been easily distracted by the Reptilian One World Government when it came to Ann Rand.

After careful research, I can say with 94% certainty that Ann Rand is not a reptilian. The clues are quite subtle, but I’ll do my best to share my evidence with you.

The biggest clues come from imperfections. The reptilian shape-shifting/disguises are always uncannily perfect to the point that they are just like you and me. Ann Rand doesn’t have such perfection.

You may notice that every picture of Rand depicts her smoking a cigarette:

This is one of those subtle things that conspiracy theorists like me can notice. Not only would such a vice not further the end goal of a world controlled by a Federal Reserve system, but it is been firmly established that hyperdimensional beings are easily bothered by smoke.

Clearly Rand is always wearing a wig. If she were a reptilian, she’d have to be a pretty piss poor shape-shifter. Compare Rand’s disguise with known reptilian Oprah Winfrey’s hair:

Winfrey photographed in displeasure having been kept outside of her subterranean lair for too long.

So clearly Ann Rand is not a reptoid, but it’s also apparent she couldn’t possibly be human either. I think the only reasonable conclusion is that she is not a lizard person but rather a frog person. The Amphibioids are somewhat similar to the Reptilians, but are far less sinister. And less aggressive, having been largely enslaved by the reptilians for centuries.

Saying that someone isn’t a reptilian is a bold claim, but I believe that the evidence is with me on this. Clearly much of her work stands up against the reptilian machine. What good is an individual when you want a compliant mass of sheeple to do your bidding? Ann Rand, wherever you are hiding, you are a truly brave frog-lady!

Heres a video of ol’ Annie Rand explaining how Objectivism can save us from the reptoids like Ben Bernanke:

As always, I encourage you to do your own research and discover your own facts.

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Final Solutions: Exotic Pet Care

By Independent Consultant Michelle Glasshappy

-If your pet turtle goes into its shell, it means it has died. Bury it immediately to prevent the spread of disease.

-For a very lovable pet, get a T-bone steak–and by lovable, I mean delicious.

-For a great pet for your three-year-old daughter, get her an adorable opossum.

-If your daughters possum gets lonely, get it a companion spitting cobra.

-Whales are mammals and need oxygen. Keep your pet whale away from water at all times to prevent drowning.

-If you’re having trouble taking care of your pet elephant, rest assured there is always a home for him at Ivory Joe’s Tuskateria.

-If you mistakenly give your child a giraffe instead of a pony, remove it’s head thusly and trim the neck down to a more reasonable size before reattaching the head.

-Sloths can be excellent pets, but a bit boring. You can cure this by cramming them full of trucker stimulants for plus results!

-Bald eagles unfortunately have a tendency to shit on their masters. Just go ahead and shit right back on it. Don’t hold back.

-Teaching kids about responsibility through pet ownership is important, and the best pet to impart this with is a Large Hadron Collider

-If your lion goes berserk and tried to run away, simply throw some monkey blood on passerby as bait.

-If your pirana gets bored of it’s usual food of baby goats, spice things up by feeding it endangered lemurs from time to time.

-Don’t listen to Negative Nancys when they tell you that your dolphin isn’t actually smiling. It actually is true that most dolphins just look like they are smiling as an incidental feature of their skeletal structure. But your particular dolphin, ChirpChirp actually is smiling, permanently.

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A Soapbox and a Hand Grenade #7

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Our National Parks: Everglades

Hello folks! I’m Park Ranger Ben Kurns. I want to give you an idea of just how great our national parks are in the hopes that you’ll one day visit them. So, let me tell you some facts about Everglades National Park and some of my experiences there.

The Seminole Native Americans who inhabited this region had a rich and diverse culture–including a deeply reverant religion. Many of the Seminole would take hallucinagens to improve their spiritual connectedness. You know what though? I tried this stuff and it’s actually not that powerful. Instead, I used white-man hallucinogens and that was far more effective. Everytime I tried the native’s hallucinogens all I got was some wiseass fucker telling me how to improve my life and get in touch with nature. Boring…fuck that! Sometimes while I was on these hallucinogens, I would actually follow the guy’s advice and have long extended conversations with the local alligator population. Alligators are distinct from crocodiles in that they have a very wide snout, and have a much stronger bite of up to one ton per square inch! However, they are far less aggressive than their relative the crocodile.

The alligators at the Everglades don’t enjoy it when I destroy their eggs. This is pretty arrogant given that I often attempt to share my alligator omelets with them. I even gave them ornate alligator purses and alligator lawn chairs and stuffed alligators (stuffed with alligator organs and teeth). The last thing I tried to do for these good-for-nothing freeloaders was when I drained their swamps. They were very ungrateful. Instead of thanking me for making their habitat nice and dry, they remained motionless and stank disgustingly until they turned into skeletons.

You wouldn’t believe it if I told you but one of the most fascinating creatures in the Everglades, the Spaceus shuttleus never touches the ground in this area. Instead it remains in orbit after it launches off from approximately 200 miles away. Sometimes if you look into the sky at the right time you can see it majestically re-entering the earth’s atmosphere after laying its eggs. You can hear it making its thunderously loud mating call usually accompanying its reentry. Little success that has!

A rare glimpse at this creature in the process of mating.

My supervisor, Jenny, is often telling me how I should be respectful of nature. But she’s a fuckin’ hypocrite. I tried to get more respectful with nature by putting those fire ants in her office. But she didn’t even thank me. Instead she just ran away on this gurney that she hired some assholes in uniform to push. I tried to say “hi” to her but she was completely unresponsive and her fat swollen face was a-bulgin’. Screw you too, Jenny!

Fire Ants are at risk due to habitat loss. You can help by installing a hive where you live.

The swamps that I haven’t drained are in fact a thriving ecosystem full of a diverse population of insects, fish and multitudes of bacteria. Such a biosphere was ideal for learning about ecology and for quickly disposing of the body of that man I accidentally ran over last week.

The Everglades, as a wetland system, is fed by the Kissimmee River. I’ve tried getting some of the sexier tourists to believe they have to “kiss-i-me” to enter the park, and some of them agree to it. Right after they “kiss-i-me”, that’s about the time they notice the “My-Pants-Are-Offa” River and the strong currents of the “One-Stiffa-Erecto” Tributary. After all of this and a few grunts later, we’re all lying naked smoking and drinking fine domestic beer. This is exactly why these parks are preserved: For the enjoyment of the people.

There’s nothing really that interesting about the wildlife. But there is one exception. This is the North American Skunk Ape, scientific name Skunkopithecus floridius. A really common skunk ape that you might run to isn’t actually a skunk ape but is really my son John-Wayne Kurns dressed up like one. I’m not sure why he dreses up like this and wields his sniper rifle wildly. That’s just the way he is. Typical six year old. However, if you ignore my little rascal, there is a thriving population of skunk apes that is morphologically distinct from other North American apes. In fact, when I tracked some down and caught them, they looked suspiciously like Orang-utans.

The reclusive skunkape is a vital part of the Everglades' ecosytem.

I insisted that they behave properly, so I painted them black with a white stripe down the back for the convenience of the many cryptozoologists who are awed by the beauty of the majestic skunkape. They may not have looked like skunks initially, but at least they were stinky!

One other exception to the boring wildlife is the manatee, which often has trouble avoiding my boat propellers. I tried approaching very closely so they could get an idea of what the propellers look like so they could avoid them properly. However, they kept getting chopped up. So, I started using them as speed bumps. I’ll let you know if this works. As the manatee is still a threatened species, it is our duty as stewards of the Earth to look after these noble creatures.

I feel bad for them, but tough love is all they can understand.

I hope my experiences at the Everglades will inspire you to check out your national parks. Remember, these national parks are preserved for the people’s enjoyment.

Future Facts #8: Civil Rights

By Time Traveler Extraordinaire, John Titor

During your time, it was hoped that issues of racism would become more simple until they disappeared, but the issues just became more complicated until they disappeared. Words and phrases revolving around the concept of race like diversity and affirmative action were quite powerful in that they made certain groups of people mad and other groups of people happy due to their complex meanings. For example, the use of the word “Negro” in the 2010 Census offended a lot of people even though black members of Congress helped create the census forms, certain members of the black community liked to refer to themselves as negro, and the word negro is simply Spanish for black.

Issues of race progressively got worse, everything became an incredible slippery slope. The word racism became vague, ambiguous, and applicable to anyone anywhere for whatever reason. Everyone became a racist even if they knew it or not. Soon after, American society couldn’t handle the complex issues of race and the white race slowly devolved into coffee drinking liberal whites, who usually were associated with Pacific Northwest whites, then there were the whites who believed they could see in non-racist terms, then there were the angry whites, and the feminist whites. Blacks were quite complicated themselves as there were the blacks who embraced blackhood, and the word negro. There’d be blacks who were confused and offended by words like diversity and affirmative action. Meanwhile, Asians and Indians were helping our civilization remain intact. There were the 9/11 was an inside jobs whites and the global warming alarmists whites.

As time went on, words like black and white became too big to just hold everyone. Black rednecks starting popping up in numbers. Redneck became its own race as both black and white rednecks claimed discrimination by coffee drinking white and black liberal elites. Japanese and Korean rappers began popping up in numbers. These rappers began complaining that they were being held back by the man and that they were black – but no one believed them. As time went on, everyone began to acknowledge the accomplishments of the black accountants, who had been contributing greatly in the area of accountancy since 1950s. As black accountants became vindicated for all their hard years of boring work and improving the lives of everyone fiducially, society realized it was just too individualistic for the racial lens. Racial terms began to be disregarded as everything just became me vs me. But this wasn’t so bad. Since it was the first time that we achieved individualism.

One of the problems with race relations in the future is Rosa Parks. This may sound counter-intuitive to you but in my time, her robot enhanced brain has gone completely crazy and she keeps sitting in front of things. It was well and good when her sitting proclivities led to equality but she keeps sitting in front of our tanks with some white soldiers inside while they’re trying to go to war. And any white doctors when they are performing complex surgeries. And when she’s around other african-americans, she starts annoyingly malfunctioning as she doesn’t know where to sit. Then our technicians come in and repair her. Then its back to sitting in front of the technicians (if the technicians are white, if they are black she short circuits wildly). One saving grace about her though is that she has managed to find the front of the universe, which is a cream white color, and she sits in front of that. In this respect, she has advanced cosmology tremendously because in my time, the riddle to the universe isn’t where it came from but which side it poops out of.

Sure, this seems heroic now but just you wait until she's sitting in front of your dinner when you're trying to eat.

In the early 21st Century, people tried to push to have Gay Marriage legalized. It was argued that this was a logical next step in the movement of social justice. However, this was a slippery slope. Very wise people argued that gay marriage would lead to pedophile-marriage, bestiality-marriage, incest-marriage and tree-marriage. Nobody listened and now–because of gay marriage–these Paul Reveres of morality are no longer able to resist marrying trees. Look what you did! Nowadays people can marry animals and pedophilic marriages are mandatory. This is very unfortunate, because not only are gay people going to suffer God’s wrath in the end anyway, but now I can’t marry my girlfriend. Didn’t you people know you could only have one kind of marriage? You completely obliterated straight marriage when you made it ok for homosexuals. It isn’t as though it’s illegal, but rather we have the option of marrying our own gender and we get so indecisive. How can I settle on marrying this beautiful woman who I love dearly if there’s a possibility that there might be a big strong man who I should marry instead? If only the slippery slope extended to polygamy/polyandry then I wouldn’t be in this connundrum. However, the slippery slope only slips far enough to make marriage miserable and unsanct.

Plenty of movies depict a possible push for robot rights. Let me tell ya, with the exception of Robot Rosa Parks, we don’t bother. Robots still attain sentience like in your science-fiction movies, but its more a nuisaince than anything else. Once the vaccum cleaner starts asking philosophical questions, we just plop it in the incinerator and listen to its horrific, metallic screams.

Explain THAT Science! #16: Life on Mars

By Columnist Harry Trunckles

Take a look at this recent photo of Mars.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what the folks at Mars Anomaly Research reported in this article. Clearly there is an extensive network of forests covering the entirety of the Martian surface. That’s the easy part. I’ve used my amazing deductive reasoning skills to determine the more interesting implications of this discovery. Think about it: If there are forests, then there must be bears. And these bears must be preying on deer. And these marsdeer are eating all the marsapples.

Here are some of the trees, close-up.

Skeptics scoffed at these claims. The problem is not that these skeptics are unconvinced about life–willful ignorance is not a sin–rather, the issue is that they seem downright disappointed by a lack of life.

I hate to break it to you, but these forest-fuckers are bad news for us. If I learned anything from the overly preachy movie, Avatar, it is that alien animals are anathema to humanity. We would be far better off if we obliterated them from orbit before they seduce our marines. This might seem extreme, but I’ve been following up on these things for a while and I know that these Martians have it in for us. Just take a look at this caricature they built to make fun of us.

Hey, I don't look like that! You Mars bastards!

Then we have this evidence of methane production on Mars. For those of you not familiar with methane, it was first discovered by stinky scientists making poo-gas everywhere. If ecologists are to be believed (more like Treehuggogists if you ask me) then this could be a very big deal for our environment. If these Martian animals keep hiding and farting then it’s gonna make our planet sink under the polar ice caps or something. That alone is a fantastic argument for carpet bombing Utopia Planitia.

It’s pretty obvious that there’s life already on Mars, but why don’t we observe its presence? As exobiologist Ian Malcolm once said, “Life hides away.” But it’s pretty obvious that even though life on Mars conveniently hides, it always leaves behind its pyramidal and face-on-Mars-like structures. The face on Mars pretty much proves incontrovertibly that either there’s life on Mars or evidence of the Garden of Eden on Mars. And since the Garden of Eden is in Jackson county, Missouri–then clearly there must be life on Mars! My logic is valid.

Eventually we will have to set up a colony on Mars. These animals are a threat to human life. Especially animals like bears and wolves. It is my recommendation that we outfit our Mars rovers with a set of Wolf Traps so that we can properly dispose of these pests before our astronauts are in harm’s way.

The Drake equation is supposed to show the probability of advanced intelligent life in the universe. Unfortunately it’s really set up only to find the improbability of life. The Drake equation conveniently does not factor in the “extraterrestrial life hides from human beings who are looking for it” component. If the Drake equation took that into account, then SETI (which stands for Siphoning Everyone’s Taxes Intensely) wouldn’t be wasting all our time and money looking for life that we already know is there because it is hiding.

Mars isn’t the only place where alien vermin is waiting to ambush us. Europa is also infested with these critters. Apparently, tidal forces can keep the oceans of Europa liquid below it’s icy surface. You know what liquid water means, don’t you? That’s right. Sharks. NASA scientists keep rejecting any plans of a manned mission to Europa, and at least I can agree with them for once. If we send people there, the first thing that will happen is that the astronaut will get out of the capsule, say something historic and then allow himself to be lulled into a false sense of security. Then, all 20 kilometers of ice shatters and a big, green shark (probably with antennae) will gobble them up leaving just one astronaut to gulp in fear and say, “We’re gonna need a bigger Europan Landing Capsule!”

I’m fairly certain that life exists on anything spherical, but the only other place I’m 100% sure of there being another infestation is Titan. Titan is full of methane just like the smelly Martian atomosphere. I don’t know too much about the physiology of these Titanings, but I’m convinced this might be worth investigating further. After reading the books of astrophysicist Dr. Kurt Vonnegut, I feel we must mount an expedition to Titan to find the sultry women that inhabit beach houses on the shores of the methane oceans.

And if we find any Tralfamadorians, we can go ahead and wipe them out before they get any ideas. We should have some carpet bombs left over from Mars.

In conclusion, life is everywhere. NASA scientists need to update their telescopic glasses for once and stop inventing Tempur-pedic mattresses to hide their porn under. I told them that Tang would turn them all into sex-crazed maniacs, but yet again, NASA didn’t listen to me.

President Obama Isn’t Bowing Inappropriately

By Wallace “Che” Crandall

First conservatives made a big deal when he bowed to the Saudi King.

Then they got all mad when he bowed to the Emperor of Japan.

Finally they were just really confused when he bowed to the Mayor of Tampa.

I admit, all of these incidents of bowing do seem confusing. Honestly, the mayor one seems a little confusing to me too. But you have to realize that Obama is culturally smarter than everyone, including me. So the bow must be something very unprecedented and culturally sensitive even if awkward and strange to all cultures.

You conservatives really need to calm down, okay? Can’t you see that Obama is using bow redistribution. For years inferiors bowed to superiors. But now Obama is trying to redistribute the superiority of America back to the rest of the world and even to its own cities like Tampa, Florida. This redistribution of bowing is something that only a post-culture_of_bowing President like Obama can understand.

The Adventures of French McFrench

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A Soapbox and a Hand Grenade: #6

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