Our National Parks: Mount Ranier

Hello folks! I’m Ranger Ben Kurns. I want to give you an idea of just how great our national parks are in the hopes that you’ll one day visit them. So, let me tell you some facts about Mount Ranier and some of my experiences there.

Mount Rainier National Park is home to Mount Rainier, which is a massive stratovolcano and is part of the Cascada Mountain Range. This volcano will one day erupt and will hopefully be much more amazing and much more destructive than Mount St. Helen. Otherwise, I will lose all faith in nature.

I built my house near the volcano because I have a bet going on with a friend that when it erupts I can outrun the lava and mudflow in my twin turbo nitro booster Monster Truck. My friend is such a dumbass, I’m totally going to win those 10 bucks.

Mount Rainier is popular for mountain climbing. Ten thousand people per year attempt to climb Mount Rainier. However, only 25% make it to the summit because it is my job to create avalanches in order to make it less dangerous for skiers. No one said I had to make it less dangerous for mountain climbers.

Before white people took the land as God commanded, the mountain was inhabited by the Nisqually, Puyallup, Muckleshoot, Yakama, and Taidnapam indians. Because of this, every time there is a discovery of human remains, all of the various tribes try to claim that the body is one of their ancestors and prevent archaeologists from studying the body. This is very frustrating because I keep telling them that these are just the gravesites of tourists who encroached on my territory, but they never listen. As a result, I am constantly in court being forced to prove that I murdered people indiscriminately just to appease these natives.

I love the look on their faces when I prove that I am just a harmless sociopath.

One of the most attractive features of the park is located in the Sunrise region, and is known as Subalpine Meadows. Meadows are endangered due to the loss of habitat from invasive biomes such as forests and wetlands. We must all do our part to preserve meadows and to expand them as much as possible. Sometimes we must take extreme measures such as putting metal spikes into the meadows to prevent trees from raping this natural beauty. Remember, only you can prevent forests!

I fucking love meadows.

One of the more modern conveniences of Mt. Ranier is the Paradise Webcams. Originally the MountainCam was installed to check conditions on the mountain to make it easier for park goers to plan a safe trip to the mountain during suitable weather conditions. However, due to budget cuts–and my supervisor not checking the cams–I’ve been able to successfully generate a revenue stream by converting it to a SexMountainCam. This is of course the natural progression of all webcams. For only $9.95 a minute, you too can see the mountain getting down and dirty.

I hope my experiences at Mount Ranier will inspire you to check out your national parks. Remember, these national parks are preserved for the people’s enjoyment.

If you think this article was insensitive in light of current events, you should check out our book which is far more offensive.

Fuck you, Peter Singer #5

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,

I recently made the mistake of reading your book, The Life You Save, the day before I hosted an orgy at my house. Normally my orgies are well-received, but this time I was trying to be moral with it. I took people who looked like they might not get enough pleasure from the experience and took them out of the orgy mid-coitus and made them sit in the corner. Logically (according to you) that would ensure that the orgasm of the many would succeed at the cost of the orgasm of a few. Turned out it was a net loss for eroticism and I’m now banned from the fornicators guild. I’m never hosting a utilitarian sex party again!

-Sexy in Sacramento

Unbelievable History: James Madison

By Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian

James Madison was the 4th President of the United States and the main architect of the Constitution. One little known thing about Madison was his staunch atheism. In his time he was famous for writing The Federalist Delusion, God Is Not Greateth, and his philosophical thought experiment involving some kind of invisble pottery or pasta or something. After getting elected, he outlawed Christianity. This is why no one elects atheists to public office in America anymore. Once, they tried to elect an atheist to the Senate, but a mob of Christian historians stormed one of the would-be Senator’s rallies. Then, using abalone shells, they flayed the skin from her bones.

Madison famously disapproved of the Treaty of Tripoli because it didn’t go far enough. It wasn’t enough that it simply declared that the U.S. was not a Christian nation. He thought it should’ve had two more paragraphs proclaiming a devout anti-theism message.

Instead of debating his opponents when he ran for President, he would have widely-publicized debates with creationists. However, since he lived before the theory of evolution–everyone was a creationist. These debates were mostly just Madison uninformedly rolling his eyes at all of the arguments about a divine watchmaker.

After being elected, the first thing Madison did was single-handedly provoke the British to invade America by sending King George III desecrated Eucharists. King George might not have minded this so much, but one of the ways Madison desecrated the Eucharist was by placing them inside the exhumed corpse of the King’s dead mother. Initially the King just asked for an apology and the rehuming of his mother, but Madison wanted none of this. Instead he went to war with England in a mad crusade to convert them to atheism. Contemporary critics called this, “Mr. Madison’s Jihad.” Clearly Madison was right to do this against those Anglicofascists.

In general, the populous complained about him being “shrill” and “strident.” They were right. If you don’t know what those words mean, they are both defined as being “of or like Richard Dawkins.”

Unbelievable Fact! After Madison created the U.S. Constitution, he went ahead and wrote on the back of it his famous “Spirit of the Constitution.” Whenever crises would happen in the U.S. economy, politicians could capitalize on this by flipping to the “The Spirit of the Constitution” side. The Spirit of the Constitution was used by future Congresses and future Presidents to bailout corporations and give handouts. It also helped in nationalizing automakers.

Not buying this book is a form of child abuse.

Occupy Wall Street is a Hate Group!

Occupy Wall Street hates all rich people. In fact, everyone does. If anyone makes one cent more than another person, they are automatically hated by all those making less than them. This is self-evidently true and is stated in Article 4609 of the U.S. Constitution. So the problem is not that there is a disparity but that OWS pointed it out. Even I hate the CEOs of Bank of America now and I take kickbacks from them!

That’s why we can’t talk about wealth disparity. Because it reminds people that other people make more money, which then makes them burn with hate.

Really, OWS is no different than the Ku Klux Klan. For one thing, the Occupiers have been burning down the churches of the wealthy and leaving burning Guy Fawkes statues on the lawns of mansions. Remember when roving bands of the poor lynched the board of directors for Bear Stearns? That’s gonna happen to you too if they find out that you make even a fraction of a percent more than them. And Pelosi is playing into this hate. She went to a Rich Bar and lured an executive out into the parking lot, then beat him and dragged him down the street tied to the back of her truck.

A lot of this discrimination is more subtle such as people earning a certain amount are barred from adopting children or getting married. But if we don’t crush them now, it’s only a matter of time before the Occupiers start attacking job creators with fire hoses and dogs.

After everything they’ve done, I will not sacrifice free enterprise. We’ve made too many compromises already, too many retreats. They invade our public spaces, and we fall back. They occupy entire parks, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far and no further!

To make them pay for what they’ve done, follow us on Facebook.

Jasper Pennies Reviews: Atlas Shrugged

So I recently read Atlas Shrugged and it was really boring.  Unlike Ayn Rand’s other novels, no one got raped.  So it was extremely disappointing.  And everything else was really boring.  They kept talking about Reardon Metal, named after someone’s rear.  I wish I could say there was good parts to this book, but it kept focusing on some damn train.  Twenty pages was filled with unnecessary realism.  Like, 20 pages was just “chugga chugga choo choo” repeating.  I got so tired I just skipped to the last chugga chugga choo choo part.

Choo choo or something

And then there was some chick called Dafney (which they totally stole from Scooby Doo) and she was dumb.  Dumber than my ex-wife plus my dog and that’s saying a lot.  She kept saying how you had to be an individual.  Yeah, and I learned in kindergarten that you’re supposed to share.  So take that Rand.  I am an individual, duh.  I thought anyone who had a brain knew that.  I am often beating up people who are in the crowd or running them over if they’re bigger than me.  That’s just commonsense.

Anyway, all the rich people start going missing or something and I’m supposed to feel sorry because Bill Gates’ picture is on a milk carton.  Anyway, I can’t remember what happened to the rich people.  I think they put all their slush funds underneath a volcano and lived on the volcano or something.  Real smart.  Honestly, if I was rich, I’d probably do the same thing and say fuck it and disappear except I’d probably go to Hawaii and hang out with people who are hotter than my wife.

If I can gather one coherent thought from the novel other than chugga chugga, it would be “It’s all about me.”  And that already is my philosophy because I’d kill 7 billion people before I would kill myself.  I don’t think Rand would have even done that.  Anyway, I give this book a rating of 0 chugga chuggas out of 10 choo choos.

Explain That Science!: Mental Illness

First, I just have to take a big shit on psychology.  No one has a mind.  That was disproven when the Bible said man has a spirit, not a mind, and we don’t even know if womankind have spirits, my exwife didn’t.

Second, mental illness offends my sense of one justice.  If you rape someone, you should go to rape hell, and on Earth, you should raped by the judge or the jury regardless of your poor excuses.  In practical circumstances, mental illnesses don’t pass the test either.  For instance, I have an OCD uncle who is always always putting his legos perfectly in order in his lego set.  I tried reasoning with him by yelling at him but he wouldn’t listen.  So I just shook his lego box; that taught him!

Paranoid schizophrenics supposedly are paranoid but that is the correct response to ghosts and a government that is trying to teach our kids atheistic homosexuality in their government mosques.

Retardation means you’re slow, now get the fuck out of my way at the grocery store, you are making me retarded in my need for my fast paced speed.

Autism means you are spoiled and your parents put up with your unneeded sensitivity to mundane things like flushing the toilet.

When I worked for the mental health organization of Georgia, I tried to redefine my client’s condition as “Liberal Science Propagandation” and I got fired.  I also got fired because I liked to kick people down flights of stares and no one took too kindly to hard love.  Oh well, my ex-colleagues think I am a sociopath but that’s just some stupid diagnosis for my lack of caring for anyone, really. But if I ran over more pedestrians today than usual, I might care more but most of them have already been brainwashed by liberal scientists.  I would say secular scientists but it’s basically the same thing.

NeoPagan Living: Beastophiliamancy

By NeoPagan expert, Platinum Crowjackal

Dear readers, here is a very belated but very innovative NeoPagan Living update.

Having sex with animals for magic.  Yes, many of us pagans have sex with animals for pleasure and we sacrifice animals for magic but you rarely hear of us having sex with animals for magic.  Well, it’s pretty common.

You score more pagan points if the animal humps you and you're male

Here are a few tips though to make sure you stay safe.

1.  Always use a condom.  My friend Ben recently got penile cancer from having sex with llamas, emus, and horses.  Apparently, the Satan of Wicca is at work to ensure you do not get most of your benefits from animals physically and spiritually.

2. Make sure the animal cannot kick you.  If you’re a male put something between you and the animal’s lower legs.  It’s very important that you pay attention when the animal is about to kick you especially when you’re near or at climax.  If you’re a female, Loth-nor help you.  That seems really difficult, I haven’t tried it.

3. Make sure your animal is in heat.  You don’t want to engage it when it’s not in the mood, that’s like asking for trouble.

4. Do a few protection spells before you engage in hardcore sensual action.  Usually you gotta kill at least three frogs to be protected.

5. Finally, do not treat the animal inanimanely.  Make sure that your action is not rape and get your horses, cows, emus, etc. to fill out consent forms before the act takes place; also, just avoid alcohol.

So that pretty much concludes the tips at staying safe.  Remember that the mancy part of Beatophiliamancy comes into effect on a new moon and you must summon Loth-nor and that spirits of the North, East, West, South, Northeast, Southeast…you get the point.

Hall of Whimsy: Star Trek Edits

With the success of Bad Lip Reading in summing up the various presidential candidates’ positions on the issues, this classic Trek parody seems an appropriate thing to repost.

Of course, that’s not nearly as fun as Jandrew’s edits, which give Star Trek fans the furry jokes they’ve been demanding since 1966.

Hall of Whimsy: Yo, is this racist?

If you’re like me you never quite know what is or is not racist. Thankfully, we have a resource for helping us clear that up.

Yo, is this racist?

Everything from blackface to cookie selection is covered. The best post so far:

Q: Yo, is the fact that Germanium is my favorite element racist?

A: Yo, racism is the least of your worries if you’re a motherfucker with a favorite element, but if it helps, the least racist element is Zinc, and yeah, the most racist element is definitely a tie between Germanium and Nitrogen.

Jasper Pennies Review: Stoicism

I recently became acquainted with the philosophy of Stoicism. And I have to say, it is a very preferable for all my daily purposes. I used to get mad in traffic jams but because of Stoicism, I take the lemons of life and make lemonade. Basically, I whip out my penis and start publicly masturbating when I get in any traffic jam. Some parents in other automobiles start getting all upset and shield their children’s eyes. But I just let them know that they shouldn’t get angry and just go with the flow.

And now when I rob convenient stores, I remain calm and rational just like Marcus Aurelius would when he ordered his troops into Barbarian territory. Instead of shouting at the convenient store clerk, I just calmly ask for a hundred dollars at gun point. Not getting angry ever really saves my energy. I can outrun the cops better too.

When I beat my wife for her transgressions, I don’t get all invested in it. I just beat her until she sees the errors of her ways. As a side note, I don’t even kick my dog anymore – Stoicism has taught me that this is a ridiculous act – because I could always save up my energy to beat my wife some more. And now my wife properly fears me and gives me the respect that any woman should give to their husbands.

Stoicism has taught me that sex for pure pleasure is kinda silly. Yes, as a Stoic, you can enjoy sex but not become attached to it. But if I am not to be attached to sexuality, then why even need it except for the purpose of procreation? So, I’ve been replacing my wife’s birth control pills with sugar pills and she’s already one month pregnant and doesn’t know it yet.

I’ve found Stoicism to be such an amazing philosophy I’ve been force feeding it to my daughter Eve. And now, she owns slaves. Yes, Stoics were the first to declare human rights as important in the Western world but Stoicism has taught me you need to take baby steps before you can become a Stoic sage. Baby steps.

I give Stoicism a nice rating of 10 cold stares out of 10 cold stares.