Explain THAT Science!: Evolution

Evolution is a LIE LIE LIE! Yelling that may make my position seem weak but if you just knew how much of a lie evolution is you’d be yelling it too.

Evolution, for those of you fortunate not to know about it, is the myth proposed by Charles Darwin in 1750 to justify his desire for sex with monkeys. According to the sacred texts of Darwinism, man evolved from dolphins. No, no, wait…. let me correct that. Evolution says that man and woman evolved from dolphins of both sexes or was it just one? Look, whatever dolphin gender it is, I would just like to say the theory is stupid.



Do you really expect me to believe that out of no where two rocks came together and made my Ford truck? No! But that’s just the stuff evolutionists want you to believe. They want you to believe that two eyes just plopped into your cat’s eyeless disembodied head which then attached to your cat’s headless body. Seriously guys?!

Look I’m not trying to attack a straw-man when it comes to evolution. But evolutionists think the Earth is 40 trillion years old. Basically they believe it is more old than the universe itself (the universe is clearly 10,000 years old – I differ a little bit with my non-secular colleagues in that I don’t think 6,000 years is long enough)! But how could that be?! Can’t these secular scientists do simple arithmetic?

Look biologists just agreed one hundred years ago that life couldn’t come from non-life. But now they changed their mind! I think where most secular scientists go wrong is when they watch too many zombie movies. Hollywood has infiltrated their minds with the idea that once dead things can emerge alive and well. You wouldn’t think your vacuum cleaner + tooth paste + olive oil would produce something living. But I’m sure Hollywood could make you believe it if you just watched enough movies based on that concept.

Let me just give you a picture of how absurd the evolution theory is. 40 trillion years ago the world came into being (which doesn’t make any sense because the universe hadn’t been created yet!) when two rocks smacked into each other at 20 miles an hour. Look, this doesn’t explain where the rocks came from and how the scientists even knew what speed they were traveling at. And don’t you need a universe for those rocks to be floating around in? Anyway, it gets better. Eyeless cat heads and headless cat bodies are for no apparent reason just flopping around. But a spark of lightning just comes together and brings these random body parts into one full being: a cat. Now this cat evolves into most of the species around our planet. Where did the dolphins come from? Well… where else? Dolphin parts. See how stupid this is! Well it gets dumber because the next thing the scientists say is that humans evolved from dolphins. But there’s a flaw: why didn’t the humans just evolve from human parts like every other animal?! See. This theory just has way too many holes!

Look I’m not proposing any new theory for the origin of the universe. I’m just saying to question evolution based on the facts that I have presented you.

Just remember: Evolution is an evil lie perpetrated by people who hated Ben Stein before he was born! I am not kidding!
He seems so sad now that no one takes him seriously.

He seems so sad now that no one takes him seriously.

Prominent EVILutionist Richard Hawkins (you know, the wheelchair guy) has made an entire career off of denying God. He’s written a wide range of books going from “mildly offensive” to “urinating on the constitution.” His most popular books are The Blind Breadmaker, The Rebellion Against God–How I’m Leading It and Will Be Punished, The Selfish Scientist, and The Extended Phenotype.

Well guess what Professor Hawkins? I have my own books too. T-Rex Couldn’t Have Made My Truck, Extend THIS Phenotype, and The Origin of Your Ugly Face. I clearly win the book publishing competition, thus making my beliefs about the natural world accurate. However, Darwinists still have their defenders. Chief among them, is Peasy Meyers, who teaches at the University of Minnesota; Ol’ Peasy has been the most vocal and the most offensive. Just this week he gathered hundreds of atheists to swarm on the Creation Museum in Kentucky. The liberal media hasn’t covered it much, but from what I can tell from twitter, these savages wrecked up the place, masturbated with the Bible, made burnt offerings to Satan, and burnt Ken Ham(who runs the museum) in effigy. Not an effigy of Ken Ham, but the actual guy.

RIP, you noble stallion.

RIP, you noble stallion.

To show that I am gracious, I will give the opposition the final word. This is a quote from biologist Stevie Jay Gold, “If there is any consistent enemy of science, it is not religion, but irrationalism.” And by irrationalism you mean secular scientists! Take that secular science!

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9 thoughts on “Explain THAT Science!: Evolution

  1. Weeeellllll…..ok, we’ll let you blaspheme since you drive a Ford truck. Oh, and BTW, Ford trucks didn’t come from rocks. They came from chickens, and the eggs became petrified, thus making the Ford truck. Get it right, idgit. :-p

    • Ms. Crazy Pants,

      I’m well versed in the “chicken/egg/petrification” theory of car origins. But the fact is, it can’t stand up to peer review. Even Peasy Meyers and Richard Hawkins figured that out. I admit its pretty appealing as an idea, but it just doesn’t fit with the biblical version of how automotives were created.

      -Harry Trunckles

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