Good News For Good Government!
By Liberal Political Columnist Wallace ‘Che’ Crandall
I just saw the good news! The House of Representatives just passed the healthcare bill. This puts us on the fast track to having a fully nationalized healthcare system. This will cost $1 Trillion over 10 years. When you spend that much money on something, this guarantees that it will work.
Under the new plan, having healthcare insurance is mandatory. If you can’t afford it, we’ll sell you some Government Medicine. Since it’s Government Medicine, we have to watch the cost pretty close. The bill currently says that all government medicine will be produced by the Placebo Corporation. Placebo has an excellent record of making cost-effective drugs. So there is really nothing to worry about.
What if you can’t afford even the Placebo Option? Or you don’t want to have insurance? Well, thats just irresponsible. You could be really hurt! To insure that this doesn’t happen, Dear Leader’s Health Troopers will bust down your door and crack you over the head with a billy club until you realize just how important your health is. If you still don’t get health insurance, you’ll still be covered. What will happen is after you are imprisoned for your utter failure as a citizen, you will have access to PrisonCare.
Hooray! The Government is here to save me!
But healthcare is really just the tip of the iceberg. My conservative friends have been screaming with joy that we will soon be owned by China. I’m so happy to see them scream with delight just as I do. This is a true triumph for Good Government. I’ve heard a lot of people saying its a clear sign Big Government is out to get us. I don’t know where this Big Government is, but Good Government should be able to stop them. I mean, Good Government is massive! Good Government could create some kind of new agency to regulate the size of government. This agency would have to be pretty big. Dear Leader will have to give this agency huge sweeping powers not listed in the constitution as well.
“Jesus Christ, Wallace, don’t you realize that China will take over since they practically own us now?” said my conservative brother Tony. Tony is right but needs to chill. China owning us is a rather good thing.
More interaction with China means more cultural diversity! Dear Leader promised in the election to teach our kids Spanish, now we know that he surpassed even his goals. All kids will now be required to know Cantonese, Mandarinese and a few other ‘ese’ languages. And we’ll also get a new flag of brilliant red. I was getting so tired of the plain old flag we’ve had for the past thousand years.
Some people worry that we’ll lose our human rights when China takes over. But thats just impossible. We’ll still have a right to Good Government, and a right to not be exposed to subversive ideas. And we’ll never lose our right to stay at home instead of protest!
It’s not all roses with the healthcare bill unfortunately. The Blue Dog Democrats had to be appeased and the provision to execute the elderly was removed to get a passing number of votes. Awwwww!
