Explain THAT Science!: Magnets

These days, the kids listen to lots of strange music. I don’t go in for all this rappin’ and rockin’. Scripture informs us that most rythmic sounds are just a way for the devil to worm his way into your brain-pan. But I had to relax my rules on this when I saw the new Insane Clown Posse video.

What’s so wonderful about this video is how it clearly defines what is God’s work (miracles) and the the work of Lord Satan (magic). One of these sage juggalos asked a question that the scientic community has been avoiding for years:

This clown actually answered the question himself. Since it could only be a miracle or magic, and we already know that magnets are evil, we can safely conclude that magnets operate on magic. It is the only way to explain how the Large Hadron Collider is constantly teleporting bird carcasses into itself from the future.

Not only are magnets magic, but you may be aware that the Bible prohibits the use of magnets. That is why I went out of my way to spend ridiculous amounts of money to buy this specialized computer that has no magnets inside of it at all. If you truly doubt the obvious truth of magnets being a source of voodoo, may I remind you that Alex Chiu made magnets that can make you immortal. Think God wants that? Of course not, otherwise the Bible would try to promise immortality.

Every field of science is riddled with magnetic sorcery. Geologists are are driven mad with magnet lust, digging them up and making magnoporn showing the Earth with a magnetic field for them to whack off to. Biologists believe in animal magnetism as an explanation for how two rocks smacked together to form chimps or whatever. And you don’t even want to know what chemists like to do with magnets.

I learned once from a professor that electromagnetism is stronger than gravity and that it is the force of this energy that lends itself to atomic weapons. I’m opposed to this! You cant hug your children with magnetic arms! These elitist professors are in the pocket of Big Magnet. They don’t have a care in the world for people like me who have electromagnetic sensitivity. You may not have heard of it, but it’s a disease in which I get ill from being near electrical wiring, microwaves, wifi, 25 watt light bulbs and excessively loud sparrows.

Magnets do have one saving grace. They have the potential to teach our kids opposite poles attract and like poles repel. This knowledge of magnets might help our kids have a heterosexual orientation. Unfortunately, you know some liberal science teachers are just gonna start giving magnets to our kids where likes attract and opposites repel. It’s inevitable…so I think it is probably wise to keep magnets out of our schools.

A gateway metal?

Which brings me to another major problem of magnets: They insidiously promote self-play among our young lads. It teaches them to at first play with a magnetic rod by themselves and then later they get into playing with some kind of other rod. Once they play with their own rod they inevitably become homosexual because they become obsessed with rods in general whether magnetic or otherwise.

It is painfully clear that magnets promote an immoral lifestyle. Ferromagnetic metals are always reversing their polarity. Do you really want your kids’ to be exposed to that level of filth? The Bible tells us not to give a crap about earthly concerns. What does the earth have? A giant-ass magnetic field.

Here's a picture of some of the magnoporn scientists keep stacks of under their mattresses.

Scientist preach that this magnetic field stops harmful incident solar radiation from reaching our planet. Oh, I get it…you guys are making up some secular bullshit theory to replace the divine hand of God that saves us daily from harmful solar rays. Big surprise there.

Albert Einstein began playing with magnets at an early age and look what happened to him! He turned into a reclusive old man who never combed his hair and was too lazy to wear socks. Most importantly, Einstein’s fascination with magnets led him downhill to creating one of the biggest shams of our time: theory of relativity. Because of the theory of relativity, there is no longer absolute time and absolute space. This kind of relativism has caused our schools to preach moral relativism which will destroy the fabric of our society.

I’m doing my best to stem the tide of moral decay though. The other day I saw some kids playing with magnets. I told the faculty at their school that they better not be brainwashing them any nonsense laws of electromagnetic induction or I’d make sure those teachers end up like Theo Van Gogh.

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