By hipster historian Dan von Dan
So, it’s Christmas, that’s nice. If you’re a sellout. Quite frankly, I was into this whole Christmas thing back when it was called Saturnalia and pagans still sacrificed frogs on the solstice. Seriously, it was all fine and dandy, lot’s of drinking, merry making, etc… Then along comes some disaffected Jews and a dude who wants to move his birthday then all of a sudden/a few centuries they’re ripping off all the pagan traditions. Couldn’t even be bothered to keep the frog sacrifices. I liked those. They had a certain indie appeal to it.
For awhile they kept the celebration under wraps. The Puritans: amazingly good at it. Nothing says good ole fashioned originality like considering Christmas an abomination. Then again, that was short lived and along came the greatest sellout of all, Santa Claus. For a while, he was scary enough. Germans are good for that sort of thing. The death by medieval Santa was a nice touch. Coca-Cola couldn’t be satisfied though. Christmas wasn’t corporate enough for them. Goodwill to all men wasn’t good enough for the corporate bottom line.
Instead, we get Criminal Santa, breaking in your chimneys, snatching your cookies up. Worse yet, Coke’s little marketing campaign has resulted in forcing children worldwide to demand their parents buy them all sorts of useless trinkets. And, unlike Santa, they’re expected to keep up this tradition of buying goods instead of sacrificing frogs into their adulthood.
Now, this war on Christmas thing. That has potential to be something new provided those militant atheists don’t go mainstream. Of course, they could step up their game a little bit. There hasn’t been a single menorah bombing or Santa slaying. It’s hard to believe, but it seems the atheists have less technology than the Palestinians who throw rocks at Israeli tanks.
My final ruling. Christmas, totally lame. War on Christmas, granted I liked it much better as the Police Action on Christmas, still has some potential.