Our National Parks: Cuyahoga Valley


Hello folks! I’m Ranger Ben Kurns. I want to give you an idea of just how great our national parks are in the hopes that you’ll one day visit them. So, let me tell you some facts about Cuyahoga Valley and some of my experiences there.

This is a pretty boring National Park. It preserves the rural landscape in Northeast Ohio. Basically, just go to Branson, Missouri and you’ll see the same thing.

The Towpath Trail is kinda interesting. I guess. Yeah, just go to Silver Dollar City or something. And the city of Branson, MO isn’t even paying me to advertise this fact. This place is really not very exciting, I really don’t know why NPS even preserves this place. This should really be under the jurisdiction of FEMA so that if there is a national emergency people can be forced to live here in camps and sterilized or euthanized, or whatever diabolical agenda FEMA is always having.

Another advantage Branson has over Cuyahoga Valley is its wealth of aging country music performers. Much like how the great elephants instinctively seek out the elephant graveyards, country music stars instinctively flock to Branson to complete their life cycle and spawn once more before death. The American Country Singer is a protected species and faces dangers from the encroagment of other musical genres such as the Indie Folk genre which has robbed the American Country Singers of their wealth of pearl button shirts and down-to-earth sensibilities. This invasive species is a threat, but can be dealt with by leaving out traps baited with hummus, Pabst Blue Ribbon and a copy of the latest Fleet Foxes album.

One of the more popular activities that park goers enjoy at Cuyahoga is biking along its many trails and taking in the beauty of the Ohio landscapes. Once again, Branson does it better. If you bike around there, there’s roads you can use that don’t damage your tires, bike racks to lock your bike to, and none of those wild animals that pose a threat to your well-being.

The wildlife at Cuyahoga is also rather disappointing. The American bald eagle is very over-rated. It pretty much just eats fish, like that vegetarian girl I dated. Far more interesting to me is the Branson Chamber of Commerce where you can learn about local shows such as Ray Stevens, the Tweed Show and the Baldknobbers.

I hope my experiences at Cuyahoga will inspire you to check out Branson, Missouri. Remember, these national parks are preserved for the people’s enjoyment.

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