Occupy Wall Street is a Hate Group!

Occupy Wall Street hates all rich people. In fact, everyone does. If anyone makes one cent more than another person, they are automatically hated by all those making less than them. This is self-evidently true and is stated in Article 4609 of the U.S. Constitution. So the problem is not that there is a disparity but that OWS pointed it out. Even I hate the CEOs of Bank of America now and I take kickbacks from them!

That’s why we can’t talk about wealth disparity. Because it reminds people that other people make more money, which then makes them burn with hate.

Really, OWS is no different than the Ku Klux Klan. For one thing, the Occupiers have been burning down the churches of the wealthy and leaving burning Guy Fawkes statues on the lawns of mansions. Remember when roving bands of the poor lynched the board of directors for Bear Stearns? That’s gonna happen to you too if they find out that you make even a fraction of a percent more than them. And Pelosi is playing into this hate. She went to a Rich Bar and lured an executive out into the parking lot, then beat him and dragged him down the street tied to the back of her truck.

A lot of this discrimination is more subtle such as people earning a certain amount are barred from adopting children or getting married. But if we don’t crush them now, it’s only a matter of time before the Occupiers start attacking job creators with fire hoses and dogs.

After everything they’ve done, I will not sacrifice free enterprise. We’ve made too many compromises already, too many retreats. They invade our public spaces, and we fall back. They occupy entire parks, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far and no further!

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Cornel West is Totally Right

Recently Dr. Cornel West of Princeton has been highly critical of President Obama as highlighted in this interview with Chris Hedges.

At first my hyper-liberal proclivities led me to begin work on a death threat to send to West, as I do for all critics of Dear Leader. After all, you just cannot question a leader in a time of war unless he is George W. Bush.

Before I finished the letter I realized that I might be wrong about this. So I totally flip-flopped on my position and said, “Fuck Obama!” I still think that it is inexcusable to question his brilliance in the arena of foreign policy, economics, teleprompter usage, philosophy, baking etc…but Obama crossed a line by not being a good friend to Cornel West. As a touchy-feely Democrat, I feel that if someone’s feelings have been hurt, a legal line must have been crossed.

At first I thought, “Too busy to call? Making compromises? That sounds like reasonable behavior for a President.” Then I dug a bit deeper and found out that there is more to it than that. It turns out that Obama took over three weeks to accept West’s friend request on Facebook, and after he did he never responded to West’s post on the President’s wall except to “like” it. If Obama is really in favor of transparency in government, why won’t he answer West publicly to let us all know what “the haps” are?

West has been clicking refresh on his browser all day to see if the President will help him with Farmville.

According to my sources, the President has also been snubbing West on Twitter. West has retweeted several of Obama’s tweets and not once has Obama reciprocated. In fact, he has not even used the hashtag #cornelwestrules, even when that tag was trending. How far does this scandal go? This is almost as bad as when Bush ignored Cindy Sheehan’s texts.

It is of course possible that after these criticisms get more attention Obama will stop leaving West hanging and perhaps even catch him on the rebound. But if things don’t change, can we really trust a President whose reliability in completing high fives is this shakey?

Whatever he's doing on here, it can't have been more important than commenting on the video of cats riding roombas West emailed him.

I’ll leave my readers with this unanswered question: Where is Obama’s “Too Busy To Hang Out With Cornel West” certificate?

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Racist Tea Partiers Stop the Patriot Act

Those extremist, racist, wingnut, Nazi-Nazi teabaggers worked together with democrats to kill parts of the Patriot Act that were up for renewal. So racist! Why are tea partiers so racistly attacking Obama? I hate the Patriot Act too, but you don’t see me criticizing Obama do you? Of course not, that would be insanely racist. I didn’t want to support the Patriot Act, but I can’t be a racist, so there ya go.

Perhaps the problem stems from the tea partiers stupidly (and racistly) misunderstanding what racism is. Racism is defined as disagreeing with anything someone of another race does or says. It is also defined as holding any view that is right of center. So logically economist Thomas Sowell must be racist since he is right-wing and he disagrees with me, a white guy.

Snakes are a bunch of racists.

Not only are these tea partiers racist, but they are notoriously racist for wanting the economic policies of George W. Bush still maintained. Supposedly the number of black owned businesses has increased by 61% (three times faster than the rest of the market) to 1.9 million between the years 2002 and 2007. Yeah, but then the economy went to crap, so basically Bush was just building them up before he tore them down in the 2008 recession.

Some might argue that Bush then tried to bail out businesses in 2008, thus he cannot be racist in this regard. Yeah, but you are never going to convince me that the free market isn’t inherently racist, even if all races equally controlled the means of production. I learned a long time ago at Berkley that the invisible hand is an invisible white hand oppressing the other races, invisibly.

America is Post Partisan, Post Racial and Post Labels!

I was watching some old videos of Mein Fuhrer Obama, and I wept with joy at his idea of being post partisan. Who cares about liberal or conservative, right? We can all band together to oppose the Republicans.

And America is post racial too. When was the last time you even saw someone of a different race? I didn’t, and I looked all over the suburban culdesac where I live, the golf course and the list of the top earning CEOs and couldn’t find anyone of a different race. Clearly Chancellor Obama eliminated all the inferior races. Either that or he just focused conversation in a different direction on race…I can’t remember.

There might be some more races out there. But the point is that we don’t refer to these races. That would be labeling these people. Labeling is unacceptable! I don’t like being labeled as a liberal. I happen to believe in social justice, gay rights, higher taxes and death panels. That doesn’t mean you can just sum me up as “liberal.” I bring this up to my friends who have traits leading toward small government policies, indiscriminant war and racism and they seem perplexed. They just say to call them “conservative.” I wouldn’t dream of labeling them! I’m not some kind of labelist bastard.

I don’t want to be labelist though, so maybe I shouldn’t call people who are prone to labeling other people “labelists.” I wanted to find a group that was anti-label, but it was difficult. I went to a lot of groups that didn’t do a good job of describing themselves and I seem to have found a lot of support…I think. If I were more certain that these were groups opposed to labels, they probably wouldn’t be very anti-labelist.

Anyway, these groups are…well, I can’t describe them very well, but I sure do approve. If I called them fantastic, they’d feel forced to fill some sort of cultural role as fantastic people. I wouldn’t do that to them.

I have to wonder if opposing labels is enough though. I mean, I obviously oppose adjectives and binomial nomenclature, but what about names? Those are certainly labels. Actually, what about this whole language thing? Isn’t it kind of a scam? Why should I let someone force me into grammar and syntax?

I wouldn’t be caught dead labeling myself as some kind of Facebook user.

This Year’s Hot Christmas Item

I realize that this isn’t my usual beat, but with recent downsizing at the news desk (those people whose job requires them to report only facts), I’ve been asked to pick up some of the slack during this holiday season.  First off, I’d like to report that I totally hooked up with this hot grad student I met at the local coffee shop.

In other news, children of wealthy suburbanite parents are in for major disappointment on Christmas morning.  Stores everywhere are clamoring to keep up with demand for the hot new Christmas toy this year.  Children everywhere are in love with “Sandta and His Ells,” a twenty-two page coloring book with an attached sixteen pack of crayons that are a poor knock-off of Crayola produced by impoverished children in the Balkans for two and a half cents an hour.

A regional distribution expert for the evil, exploitative empire Wal-Mart, who spoke on condition of anonymity as working for Wal-Mart would hurt his liberal cred, said:

“Normally we get four or five of these cheap coloring books so that affluent whites can purchase a copy and drop it off with a local charity that puts on some bullshit Christmas shopping event for poor people.  It’s sort of like a community service for white people so that they can feel good about themselves and so that when that poor kid comes to school in January he damn well knows that he’s poor when all the other kids talk about the new Wii, or X-box, or whatever shiny piece of crap their parents bought them.  It really wouldn’t be proper charity if it actually helped alleviate poverty.  There just wouldn’t be the same alleviation of white guilt and moral superiority.  It’s kind of like that warm feeling you get after drinking a little too much eggnog as you fill out the monthly reports.  Wait, you’re not going to put that last part in there are you?”

Production quality is so cheap that Santa Clause is not even fully drawn.

Some expert the news editor told me to interview said something along the lines that children these days are maturing early and getting a jump on assuaging their white liberal guilt.  By purchasing this item they can claim to have raised their awareness and experienced poverty.  Though, at a cost of $6.50 the kids will have plenty left over for their parents to buy them the new video game, so don’t worry that the kids have any true wish to feel poor.

The book’s publisher, some company in China with some weird symbols for a name returned my phone calls, but they spoke some gibberish language so I just hung up.  I will assume that they are quickly trying to produce as much as possible in order to keep up with demand.

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Congress Bans DDT!

First off, let me say that Obama truly is worthy of the love letters I write him daily. Thanks to his leadership Congress has finally banned DDT!

What is DDT exactly? It is a pesticide (non-organic) which was developed solely for the purpose of discriminating against the shell density of bird eggs. Some conservative shills for Big Poison have tried to argue that DDT is crucial for maintaining agricultural cohesion.

Senator John McCain had previously said that he would stop using DDT if the ecologists all agreed it was a bad idea. Then when they said that, McCain waffled and got really mad. Currently he is flying an industrial cropduster throughout metropolitan areas in Arizona, DDTing the entire populace. Aren’t you sick of stupid republicans and their birdphobic policies?

The only people who seemed to really support DDT were people that wanted the freedom to discriminate against egg production as part of their religious views. However, the majority of birds affected by the banning of DDT feel that this will lead to better flock formation in the long run.

On a bitter sweet note, the DREAM Act failed to get past Republican filibustering. On the plus side, the American Wet Dream act succeeded in passing and is expected to by signed into law by a still groggy President Obama who may be sporting Presidential morning wood. We now have a path to an REM cycle about my old biology professor!

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