Fuck you, Peter Singer! #6

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,
As a blood sucking member of society I enjoyed a life of being a tick on the back of society. There I was living an excellent life of hedonism until my brother brought me a couple of books espousing your philosophy. Now I had to fucking wake up and see that the needs of the many outweigh my fucking ass. Thanks a lot dickhead. Now I’m gonna hang myself. Toodles!

-Suicidal in San Diego

Dear Peter Singer,
At first I thought I’d like you since you tell people in wealthy USA and Europe to give over their money to people who are worse off, like me in Somalia. However, it turns out that this didn’t work out too well because after people set out to help me, the people in my village who had read your book then robbed me for the greater good. I’m back to the level of poverty I was at earlier, but now I know what I am missing. Fuck you Peter Singer.

-Surly in Somalia

Dear Peter Singer,
Before I read your philosophy, I was a stupid Ayn Randian. Sure, the bitch was stupid, but I find that your philosophy is way stupider. I fucking gave up everything, EVERYTHING for utilitarianism. I went out of my way busting my ass for the poor. I always helped them and they were never thankful. After a while I became disillusioned and now I am a nihilist! All, I do anymore is bother the fuck out of school children telling them that life is meaningless and they should end it all! That’s what your philosophy does to people. No, that’s what YOU do to people. I hope you’re living it up with billion dollar lectures, ass!

-Angry in Allentown

Unbelievable History: Charles Darwin

By Peter Bristles, Patriotorian

British naturalist Charles Darwin was the twin brother of Abraham Lincoln. This led some people to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions regarding the legitimacy of Lincoln’s Presidency. These people have been removed from the gene pool by Darwinists. Darwin was famous for proposing the modern theory of evolution which states that nothingness created two rocks that smacked together to create your monkey grandma, who magically gave birth to your human mom.

After attending divinity school in order to mock God, Darwin was enlisted to join the second voyage of the HMS Beagle to study nature. He wrote about how he was seasick constantly in his journals, but this is betrayed by his confession to his wife that he really just enjoyed vomiting constantly and would induce it for fun. This is believed to be the root of his nickname, “Ol’ Chucky Vomitpants.”

Once the ship reached the Galapagos archipelago, Darwin observed that certain species of finch had differently shaped beaks. He also observed that they tasted vastly different. There were also Galapagos Island iguanas that tasted remarkably better than their mainland counterparts. There were also varied species of giant tortoises that went quite good in soup. This led to his landmark theory of “Survival of the Tastiest.”

Aboard the HMS Beagle, he came to a disagreement with the Captain Robert FitzRoy while the Captain was showing off his slaves. Modern scientohistorians like to play up how Darwin was opposed to slavery and how he would argue that slavery was evil. Really though, Darwin wasn’t opposed to the notion of slavery. He just didn’t like FitzRoy’s slaves, which he felt were not as shiny and top-of-the-line as his own collection.

When Darwin proposed his theory of evolution, he was laughed at by the Royal Society of England–not because he was thought to be wrong, but because (without his knowledge) his penis was sticking out of his pants, hard and stiff. This was really funny until a consensus was reached that it was annoying to be constantly whacked in the head with Darwin’s oblivious hard-on. Many people ran in fear when Darwin began to speak about the more essential aspects of his theory, as he would become so excited that his penis would throb until it spermed out majestically.

Jean-Baptiste Lamarck provided an alternative theory of evolution. He could do this because his ancestors would practice debating Darwin’s ancestors. Each successive generation carried on its Darwin-debating skills. Modern creationists are not believers in Lamarck’s theory either, but it is true that they are all descended from the best Darwin-debaters.

Some prominent secular historians (the ones who don’t tell HIS-story), believe that Darwin not only came up with the theory of evolution, but that he was able to demonstrate evolution live on-stage. These live performances of evolution were mere trickery though. Darwin would start by cramming five chimpanzees into a hat, putting the hat in a coffin, poking all kinds of swords through the coffin, and out would come a rational, God-fearing human. What nonsense! That just proves that Darwin was a good magician, not a good scientist.

A lot of historians want you to believe in Darwin’s alleged contemporary, Alfred Russel Wallace, who supposedly formulated the theory of evolution independently. Little is known about “Wallace” except that his handwriting and style of writing appears to be identical to Darwin’s. It makes sense that Darwin would fabricate Wallace’s existence in order to perpetuate the lie that evolution was independently discovered by two people instead of one. That way it would give the lie more credibility.

Evolutionary theory was a point of contention between Darwin and his wife, Emma, who believed in God like any good and moral person. He would talk about his observations about the natural world and she would talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Creator of the Universe. This kind of disagreement could have led an ungodly woman to a divorce, but she was a good woman and was subservient to her husband, no matter how satanic he was.

Many people know that Darwin was a proto-Nazi (just turn to the first chapter in On the Origins of Species entitled “The Final Solution”), but what they didn’t know was that Darwin would spend his time plotting about how to stop and silence creationist Ben Stein years before Stein was even a twinkle in his father’s eye. Not to mention that Darwin–getting his advice from Lord Satan–knew that he needed to change the way that universities taught so that they could, in 150 years time, silence Intelligent Design theorists.

Many claim that Darwin did not advocate eugenics or Social Darwinism–that it was actually Herbert Spencer and some others who advocated eugenics. But how do you explain the book that non-secular historians recently unearthed, entitled How To Kill Off The Weak And Mentally Inhibited by Charles Darwin? Sure, if you carbon-dated the book it would appear only to be three years old–not old enough to have been written by Darwin. But that just proves that carbon dating is unreliable!

A lot of people are knowledgeably aware of Darwin’s famous death bed recantation of evolution. What they are unaware of though, is all his other recantations. He recanted most appropriately the atomic theory of matter, Mendelian genetics (even though he had absolutely no knowledge of such a genetics…weird), special theory of relativity (everyone knew that one was false), and supply side economics. He is most famous for recanting the mother and father theory. The mother and father theory states that everyone had a mother and a father. What rubbish!

In modern academia, the theory of evolution has been refined and well-understood. It is taught to millions and is the foundation of our understanding of biology. Just about every field of science reinforces the claims of evolutionists, as well as a mountain of fossil evidence. But were you aware that the famous Piltdown Man fossil was in fact a hoax? I now declare the entire theory void!

Unbelievable Fact! Naturalist T.H. Huxley was a groupie of Darwin’s, and sexed him up constantly. He had such Darwin-lust that he earned the nickname, “Darwin’s Constantly-in-Heat Pitbull.” If you read any of his books you can still see the stains where he spermed out onto the page.

Stop misleading our schoolchildren! Make sure your kid’s school is using Unbelievable History as it’s science textbook.

Our National Parks: Mount Ranier

Hello folks! I’m Ranger Ben Kurns. I want to give you an idea of just how great our national parks are in the hopes that you’ll one day visit them. So, let me tell you some facts about Mount Ranier and some of my experiences there.

Mount Rainier National Park is home to Mount Rainier, which is a massive stratovolcano and is part of the Cascada Mountain Range. This volcano will one day erupt and will hopefully be much more amazing and much more destructive than Mount St. Helen. Otherwise, I will lose all faith in nature.

I built my house near the volcano because I have a bet going on with a friend that when it erupts I can outrun the lava and mudflow in my twin turbo nitro booster Monster Truck. My friend is such a dumbass, I’m totally going to win those 10 bucks.

Mount Rainier is popular for mountain climbing. Ten thousand people per year attempt to climb Mount Rainier. However, only 25% make it to the summit because it is my job to create avalanches in order to make it less dangerous for skiers. No one said I had to make it less dangerous for mountain climbers.

Before white people took the land as God commanded, the mountain was inhabited by the Nisqually, Puyallup, Muckleshoot, Yakama, and Taidnapam indians. Because of this, every time there is a discovery of human remains, all of the various tribes try to claim that the body is one of their ancestors and prevent archaeologists from studying the body. This is very frustrating because I keep telling them that these are just the gravesites of tourists who encroached on my territory, but they never listen. As a result, I am constantly in court being forced to prove that I murdered people indiscriminately just to appease these natives.

I love the look on their faces when I prove that I am just a harmless sociopath.

One of the most attractive features of the park is located in the Sunrise region, and is known as Subalpine Meadows. Meadows are endangered due to the loss of habitat from invasive biomes such as forests and wetlands. We must all do our part to preserve meadows and to expand them as much as possible. Sometimes we must take extreme measures such as putting metal spikes into the meadows to prevent trees from raping this natural beauty. Remember, only you can prevent forests!

I fucking love meadows.

One of the more modern conveniences of Mt. Ranier is the Paradise Webcams. Originally the MountainCam was installed to check conditions on the mountain to make it easier for park goers to plan a safe trip to the mountain during suitable weather conditions. However, due to budget cuts–and my supervisor not checking the cams–I’ve been able to successfully generate a revenue stream by converting it to a SexMountainCam. This is of course the natural progression of all webcams. For only $9.95 a minute, you too can see the mountain getting down and dirty.

I hope my experiences at Mount Ranier will inspire you to check out your national parks. Remember, these national parks are preserved for the people’s enjoyment.

If you think this article was insensitive in light of current events, you should check out our book which is far more offensive.

Fuck you, Peter Singer #5

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,

I recently made the mistake of reading your book, The Life You Save, the day before I hosted an orgy at my house. Normally my orgies are well-received, but this time I was trying to be moral with it. I took people who looked like they might not get enough pleasure from the experience and took them out of the orgy mid-coitus and made them sit in the corner. Logically (according to you) that would ensure that the orgasm of the many would succeed at the cost of the orgasm of a few. Turned out it was a net loss for eroticism and I’m now banned from the fornicators guild. I’m never hosting a utilitarian sex party again!

-Sexy in Sacramento

Unbelievable History: James Madison

By Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian

James Madison was the 4th President of the United States and the main architect of the Constitution. One little known thing about Madison was his staunch atheism. In his time he was famous for writing The Federalist Delusion, God Is Not Greateth, and his philosophical thought experiment involving some kind of invisble pottery or pasta or something. After getting elected, he outlawed Christianity. This is why no one elects atheists to public office in America anymore. Once, they tried to elect an atheist to the Senate, but a mob of Christian historians stormed one of the would-be Senator’s rallies. Then, using abalone shells, they flayed the skin from her bones.

Madison famously disapproved of the Treaty of Tripoli because it didn’t go far enough. It wasn’t enough that it simply declared that the U.S. was not a Christian nation. He thought it should’ve had two more paragraphs proclaiming a devout anti-theism message.

Instead of debating his opponents when he ran for President, he would have widely-publicized debates with creationists. However, since he lived before the theory of evolution–everyone was a creationist. These debates were mostly just Madison uninformedly rolling his eyes at all of the arguments about a divine watchmaker.

After being elected, the first thing Madison did was single-handedly provoke the British to invade America by sending King George III desecrated Eucharists. King George might not have minded this so much, but one of the ways Madison desecrated the Eucharist was by placing them inside the exhumed corpse of the King’s dead mother. Initially the King just asked for an apology and the rehuming of his mother, but Madison wanted none of this. Instead he went to war with England in a mad crusade to convert them to atheism. Contemporary critics called this, “Mr. Madison’s Jihad.” Clearly Madison was right to do this against those Anglicofascists.

In general, the populous complained about him being “shrill” and “strident.” They were right. If you don’t know what those words mean, they are both defined as being “of or like Richard Dawkins.”

Unbelievable Fact! After Madison created the U.S. Constitution, he went ahead and wrote on the back of it his famous “Spirit of the Constitution.” Whenever crises would happen in the U.S. economy, politicians could capitalize on this by flipping to the “The Spirit of the Constitution” side. The Spirit of the Constitution was used by future Congresses and future Presidents to bailout corporations and give handouts. It also helped in nationalizing automakers.

Not buying this book is a form of child abuse.

Occupy Wall Street is a Hate Group!

Occupy Wall Street hates all rich people. In fact, everyone does. If anyone makes one cent more than another person, they are automatically hated by all those making less than them. This is self-evidently true and is stated in Article 4609 of the U.S. Constitution. So the problem is not that there is a disparity but that OWS pointed it out. Even I hate the CEOs of Bank of America now and I take kickbacks from them!

That’s why we can’t talk about wealth disparity. Because it reminds people that other people make more money, which then makes them burn with hate.

Really, OWS is no different than the Ku Klux Klan. For one thing, the Occupiers have been burning down the churches of the wealthy and leaving burning Guy Fawkes statues on the lawns of mansions. Remember when roving bands of the poor lynched the board of directors for Bear Stearns? That’s gonna happen to you too if they find out that you make even a fraction of a percent more than them. And Pelosi is playing into this hate. She went to a Rich Bar and lured an executive out into the parking lot, then beat him and dragged him down the street tied to the back of her truck.

A lot of this discrimination is more subtle such as people earning a certain amount are barred from adopting children or getting married. But if we don’t crush them now, it’s only a matter of time before the Occupiers start attacking job creators with fire hoses and dogs.

After everything they’ve done, I will not sacrifice free enterprise. We’ve made too many compromises already, too many retreats. They invade our public spaces, and we fall back. They occupy entire parks, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far and no further!

To make them pay for what they’ve done, follow us on Facebook.