Explain THAT Science!: Magnets

These days, the kids listen to lots of strange music. I don’t go in for all this rappin’ and rockin’. Scripture informs us that most rythmic sounds are just a way for the devil to worm his way into your brain-pan. But I had to relax my rules on this when I saw the new Insane Clown Posse video.

What’s so wonderful about this video is how it clearly defines what is God’s work (miracles) and the the work of Lord Satan (magic). One of these sage juggalos asked a question that the scientic community has been avoiding for years:

This clown actually answered the question himself. Since it could only be a miracle or magic, and we already know that magnets are evil, we can safely conclude that magnets operate on magic. It is the only way to explain how the Large Hadron Collider is constantly teleporting bird carcasses into itself from the future.

Not only are magnets magic, but you may be aware that the Bible prohibits the use of magnets. That is why I went out of my way to spend ridiculous amounts of money to buy this specialized computer that has no magnets inside of it at all. If you truly doubt the obvious truth of magnets being a source of voodoo, may I remind you that Alex Chiu made magnets that can make you immortal. Think God wants that? Of course not, otherwise the Bible would try to promise immortality.

Every field of science is riddled with magnetic sorcery. Geologists are are driven mad with magnet lust, digging them up and making magnoporn showing the Earth with a magnetic field for them to whack off to. Biologists believe in animal magnetism as an explanation for how two rocks smacked together to form chimps or whatever. And you don’t even want to know what chemists like to do with magnets.

I learned once from a professor that electromagnetism is stronger than gravity and that it is the force of this energy that lends itself to atomic weapons. I’m opposed to this! You cant hug your children with magnetic arms! These elitist professors are in the pocket of Big Magnet. They don’t have a care in the world for people like me who have electromagnetic sensitivity. You may not have heard of it, but it’s a disease in which I get ill from being near electrical wiring, microwaves, wifi, 25 watt light bulbs and excessively loud sparrows.

Magnets do have one saving grace. They have the potential to teach our kids opposite poles attract and like poles repel. This knowledge of magnets might help our kids have a heterosexual orientation. Unfortunately, you know some liberal science teachers are just gonna start giving magnets to our kids where likes attract and opposites repel. It’s inevitable…so I think it is probably wise to keep magnets out of our schools.

A gateway metal?

Which brings me to another major problem of magnets: They insidiously promote self-play among our young lads. It teaches them to at first play with a magnetic rod by themselves and then later they get into playing with some kind of other rod. Once they play with their own rod they inevitably become homosexual because they become obsessed with rods in general whether magnetic or otherwise.

It is painfully clear that magnets promote an immoral lifestyle. Ferromagnetic metals are always reversing their polarity. Do you really want your kids’ to be exposed to that level of filth? The Bible tells us not to give a crap about earthly concerns. What does the earth have? A giant-ass magnetic field.

Here's a picture of some of the magnoporn scientists keep stacks of under their mattresses.

Scientist preach that this magnetic field stops harmful incident solar radiation from reaching our planet. Oh, I get it…you guys are making up some secular bullshit theory to replace the divine hand of God that saves us daily from harmful solar rays. Big surprise there.

Albert Einstein began playing with magnets at an early age and look what happened to him! He turned into a reclusive old man who never combed his hair and was too lazy to wear socks. Most importantly, Einstein’s fascination with magnets led him downhill to creating one of the biggest shams of our time: theory of relativity. Because of the theory of relativity, there is no longer absolute time and absolute space. This kind of relativism has caused our schools to preach moral relativism which will destroy the fabric of our society.

I’m doing my best to stem the tide of moral decay though. The other day I saw some kids playing with magnets. I told the faculty at their school that they better not be brainwashing them any nonsense laws of electromagnetic induction or I’d make sure those teachers end up like Theo Van Gogh.

Become a fan of Carl Sagan’s Dance Party on Facebook!

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Explain THAT Science!: Astronomy

Jesus H-ing Christ you astronomers are a boring bunch! When I say boring, I mean boring with a capital boring.

Take black holes for instance. ‘Black holes’ is such an uncreative term. These singularities are actually pretty impressive. They speak to God’s glory. I say we call them Glory Holes.

I would be really excited if I could see more pictures of Glory Holes.

I proposed this in a paper I sent off to Sky and Telescope to be published but they said they liked ‘black holes’ better but that I should go ahead and send in any future naming suggestions I come up with. Wow, a group of scientists thats actually open to my brilliant ideas! That doesn’t make up for them being so damned boring, but I guess thats a plus.

Astronomers are also spending tremendous amounts of time and money on ridiculous endeavors. For example, NASA is undergoing a massive effort to find water outside of the solar system. Listen NASA jerks, its very hard to get out of the solar system and back. Just use the tap. Or if you’re really picky you could buy a bottle of water at the gas station. But seriously, you need to be realistic about things when you get thirsty.

In order to find this water, they first have to look for extra-solar planets. The method that astronomers use to detect these is called the Public Transit method which apparently involves checking the bus schedules in Alpha Centauri. Presumably if they have a bus route, there must be a planet.

Don’t even get me started on the supposed Big Bang. Its only saving grace it that its less ridiculous than their previous theory of the universe coming into existence after Orion the Hunter and the greek goddess Pilates had some cosmic sex and laid a cosmic egg. Out of this egg hatched the universe. Of course, the Hatching Theory never properly explained the motion of the stars and galaxies, so they eventually found a new theory (i.e. were apparently lying!). And it seems like every astronomer has a different theory anyway.

Famed astronomer Michael Jackson was able to invent a means of effecient locomotion for humans walking on the lunar surface. But those NASA jerks didn’t even use it! More proof that they faked the whole thing. I even heard from a cousin’s friend’s boss that he had met someone who was there when they faked it. Booya! Another point for Harry Trunckles!

And can someone please explain why astronomers are so obsessed with their love lives? I mean, I get that you don’t have dates and all. I mean, its understandable. But you never properly explained how Venus being in the house of Jupiter will help you get a date with the cutie who works at whole foods. However, I did read my astronomy report in the paper and found that us Virgos are going to have financial success in the future. So maybe I’ll change my mind.

One redeeming virtue of astronomers though is that they put all that research into the development of their famous Sun Chips. I don’t know how they got robots to the sun to mine for these delicious snacks but I’ll at least support that effort.

Now that's nuclear fusion I can get behind.

If you have any further doubts that astronomy is a total waste, here is a music video made by the folks at SETI (the Search for Extra Teritorial Intelligence)

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Cogito ergo I am right #6: Existentialism

By Amateur Philosopher Penny Ham

Existentialism is a movement hard to define. Mostly because existentialists avoided defining it. But Sartre gave the movement something close to a definition. Existentialism is basically the idea that we all come into the world without any defining essence. We find ourselves existing without any prior purpose and so we have to create our own meaning.

Most people think existentialism is liberating and great. But I think existentialism is a waste of my precious time.

If you read through existentialist literature, you’ll find yourself reading literature by people who complain, “blah blah blah….I have no purpose…blah blah blah…oh how I need to create my own purpose and meaning…blah blah blah…finally I created my purpose and meaning!”

But, honestly, those people only care about their own purpose and meaning because somehow or another they’ve found enough free time to go into the details of thinking about their own purpose and meaning. Look, sometimes I find myself pondering my own meaning and existence and what my purpose is but then I remember what my purpose is….

I’m a biological organism! My purpose is to eat, drink, fuck, and make friends because I’m a social ape. There you go existentialist. The answer is right in front of you but you’re too busy writing your dumb books.

Existentialists are just like religionists. They worry too much about deeper meaning rather than care about the simple meanings and the simple pleasures. They do not and cannot confront the overwhelming fact that human beings have spectacularly boring and simple biological purposes. Look, I write, I read, I do lots of things that don’t involve eating, drinking, sex, and making friends. But all of these things I do revolve around those simple things. Purpose is to be found in all of those things. Not subjective purpose either. Real objective out there in the universe purpose. You know, my genes, my hormones, that stuff.

Did you know that people make friends simply because they need someone to smoke around? Well, nicotine-addiction is pretty biological. It’s all got purpose and design right there. Humans are motivated by pleasure and they avoid pain. Wow, what a concept?!

Why did people make the Internet? To impress their friends (it’s the social instinct of being human) or make some money (feed the need for food, water, etc.). Hell, these desires don’t even have to be egoistic. Altruism is built into our genes as well. It’s part of the social instinct. Just because purpose isn’t divine doesn’t mean we have no purpose. Our purpose is pretty biologically based and objective.

Where does morality come in? Morality best serves our biological purposes and makes sure that our interests are best represented, whether it’s the individual, family interest, community interest, or national interest. Is morality utilitarian, egoist, deontological, virtue-oriented? It’s quite debatable. Morality is just a very complicated way of settling our many different unique ways of satisfying our biological purposes.

Anyway, if you ever feel tempted to read an existentialist book, it’s because you’re bored/lonely or you’re doing it for a class. Both have to do with human social relationships that all boil down to eat, sleep, sex, social bonding, and drinking. People who want to make human purpose more significant than this have never been to a Frat Party.

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Explain THAT Science!: News 10/12/09

Every week it seems my inbox is full of new lies from the scientific elites. Here’s a few.

NASA Blows Up the Moon?!

That is the least believable CGI moon yet, NASA. You've lost your touch.

That is the least believable CGI moon yet, NASA. You've lost your touch.

Recently the LCROSS probe was sent by NASA to impact with the moon and collect data regarding water on the lunar surface. Buuuuullllllshit.  We all know the most basic reason that this can’t be true, as I covered the elaborate moon hoax in this blog entry. What it really comes down to is this: those jerks at NASA had a few extra billion dollars and wanted to blow something up. Since we don’t have a moon to crash things into, they went out of their way to create an elaborate computer generated explosion.  As a tax-evading citizen, this is precisely the sort of wasteful spending that I am glad I’m not actually paying for.

New Hominid Fossils?!
I cannot believe how silly this is.  Evidently, paleontologists are the most easily fooled subset of scientists. These people thought that the famed fossil “Lucy” was some evidence that we are evolved from Koalas or something when in fact it was just some dude with osteoporosis.  This “Ardipithicus” is just some guy with an extremely bad back, messed up hands, weird growths on his face and a penchant for dancing around monoliths. All this proves is that scientists are either very gullible or like to make fun of the elderly by claiming they were transitional forms.

Treat the elderly with respect Science!

Treat the elderly with respect Science!

Vegetarian Spiders?!

In a recent update of Recent Biology, it was revealed that Bagheera kiplingi, a species of jumping spider, is vegetarian–consisting almost entirely on plants. It apparently shares a lot in common with human vegetarians, going out of its way to lecture other spiders about factory-farmed flies while it seems to have no problem eating fish every once in a while.  What I want to know is, what does this spider have against all-American beef? Doesn’t it know that soy turns you gay?  Give me a break jumping spider–and stop guilting me.

Jeez spider, you're so anemic. Eat a burger or something.

Jeez spider, you're so anemic. Eat a burger or something.

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Explain THAT Science! News 09/09/09

It is the drive of every scientist to explore, in one’s mind abstractly and sometime physically. From Alexander Humbolt to Alfred Russell Wallace, there are always intrepid explorers willing to brave the deepest, darkest jungles. I say this to you, scientists:  STOP IT!

Seriously, if I wake up in the morning and this is staring me in the face, we got some serious problems.

My capybara cannot hide his inferiority.

My capybara cannot hide his inferiority.

Apparently this magic crater has rats that make my pet capybara look like a smaller disease-ridden rodent.  And frogs…with goddamn fangs!  It’s even been reported that the fish get sick of you loitering around and start grunting at you.

It seems obvious to me that God doesn’t want us going to these places. Maybe it’s where angels fornicate or something, but we should heed God’s warning. After all, who in their right mind would go to a place infested with these monsters:

It will kill you, your family and everyone you've ever met.

It will kill you, your family and everyone you've ever met.

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Explain THAT Science!: Evolution

Evolution is a LIE LIE LIE! Yelling that may make my position seem weak but if you just knew how much of a lie evolution is you’d be yelling it too.

Evolution, for those of you fortunate not to know about it, is the myth proposed by Charles Darwin in 1750 to justify his desire for sex with monkeys. According to the sacred texts of Darwinism, man evolved from dolphins. No, no, wait…. let me correct that. Evolution says that man and woman evolved from dolphins of both sexes or was it just one? Look, whatever dolphin gender it is, I would just like to say the theory is stupid.



Do you really expect me to believe that out of no where two rocks came together and made my Ford truck? No! But that’s just the stuff evolutionists want you to believe. They want you to believe that two eyes just plopped into your cat’s eyeless disembodied head which then attached to your cat’s headless body. Seriously guys?!

Look I’m not trying to attack a straw-man when it comes to evolution. But evolutionists think the Earth is 40 trillion years old. Basically they believe it is more old than the universe itself (the universe is clearly 10,000 years old – I differ a little bit with my non-secular colleagues in that I don’t think 6,000 years is long enough)! But how could that be?! Can’t these secular scientists do simple arithmetic?

Look biologists just agreed one hundred years ago that life couldn’t come from non-life. But now they changed their mind! I think where most secular scientists go wrong is when they watch too many zombie movies. Hollywood has infiltrated their minds with the idea that once dead things can emerge alive and well. You wouldn’t think your vacuum cleaner + tooth paste + olive oil would produce something living. But I’m sure Hollywood could make you believe it if you just watched enough movies based on that concept.

Let me just give you a picture of how absurd the evolution theory is. 40 trillion years ago the world came into being (which doesn’t make any sense because the universe hadn’t been created yet!) when two rocks smacked into each other at 20 miles an hour. Look, this doesn’t explain where the rocks came from and how the scientists even knew what speed they were traveling at. And don’t you need a universe for those rocks to be floating around in? Anyway, it gets better. Eyeless cat heads and headless cat bodies are for no apparent reason just flopping around. But a spark of lightning just comes together and brings these random body parts into one full being: a cat. Now this cat evolves into most of the species around our planet. Where did the dolphins come from? Well… where else? Dolphin parts. See how stupid this is! Well it gets dumber because the next thing the scientists say is that humans evolved from dolphins. But there’s a flaw: why didn’t the humans just evolve from human parts like every other animal?! See. This theory just has way too many holes!

Look I’m not proposing any new theory for the origin of the universe. I’m just saying to question evolution based on the facts that I have presented you.

Just remember: Evolution is an evil lie perpetrated by people who hated Ben Stein before he was born! I am not kidding!
He seems so sad now that no one takes him seriously.

He seems so sad now that no one takes him seriously.

Prominent EVILutionist Richard Hawkins (you know, the wheelchair guy) has made an entire career off of denying God. He’s written a wide range of books going from “mildly offensive” to “urinating on the constitution.” His most popular books are The Blind Breadmaker, The Rebellion Against God–How I’m Leading It and Will Be Punished, The Selfish Scientist, and The Extended Phenotype.

Well guess what Professor Hawkins? I have my own books too. T-Rex Couldn’t Have Made My Truck, Extend THIS Phenotype, and The Origin of Your Ugly Face. I clearly win the book publishing competition, thus making my beliefs about the natural world accurate. However, Darwinists still have their defenders. Chief among them, is Peasy Meyers, who teaches at the University of Minnesota; Ol’ Peasy has been the most vocal and the most offensive. Just this week he gathered hundreds of atheists to swarm on the Creation Museum in Kentucky. The liberal media hasn’t covered it much, but from what I can tell from twitter, these savages wrecked up the place, masturbated with the Bible, made burnt offerings to Satan, and burnt Ken Ham(who runs the museum) in effigy. Not an effigy of Ken Ham, but the actual guy.

RIP, you noble stallion.

RIP, you noble stallion.

To show that I am gracious, I will give the opposition the final word. This is a quote from biologist Stevie Jay Gold, “If there is any consistent enemy of science, it is not religion, but irrationalism.” And by irrationalism you mean secular scientists! Take that secular science!