Unbelievable History: The Egyptians

In honor of our book going on sale, please enjoy this sample chapter cross-posted from Unbelievable History.

By Uri Terrabyte, Conspiracy Historiast

The Egyptians are often credited with inventing geometry. In reality they only contributed a very small subset of knowledge to the general field. For one thing, all their geometry revolved around squares, triangles, and at best pyramids. But these guys did not have a clue about circles. As a result, the Egyptians totally ignored the circular sun, the circular pattern of day and night, and they even ignored the circular aliens called the Vondanikenites that tried to influence them.

The Vondanikenites even tried to get the attention of the Egyptians by making gigantic pyramids, but the self-centered Egyptians just took the credit for them. Then the aliens tried to make complex shapes on the mountaintops that looked like spiders and monkeys and such. Unfortunately for these frequently frustrated aliens, these shapes were only visible from space, so the Egyptians ignored these as well.

The Egyptian calendar is now touted as the great predictor of the end of the world. The calendar predicted the world will theoretically end in 1100 C.E. So that either means we’re all dead and thus ghosts or that we’re alive and their square-triangular calendar must be readjusted to circular time to get a better idea. Coincidentally, if you readjust their calendar so that it applies to circles or cycles, it says the world will end right when Roland Emmerich’s movie 2012 says it will end. Care to speculate on what year that is? This may surprise you, but it’s 2012. This calendar readjusted for circular clock and calendar usage is now called the MAYAN calendar which is short for Minor Adjustment for Years ANno domini. A pretty stupid acronym, but it gets the point across.

More interestingly, a lot of people wonder where the Egyptians went. If you look throughout Central America, you see no trace of what might have happened to them. The famous Greek philosopher Plato might have an answer though. Plato spoke of an ancient, super-advanced civilization that went missing. From that small snippet of information, we can probably merely speculate and then with great certainty conclude that the Egyptians left their Central American location to move to the sinking continent of Atlantis to go commit suicide because their evil pagan religion told them to do so. I think if you can get one historian drunk enough to agree to that, then it has passed the peer review stage. But unfortunately, we can only be certain of this fact without it being accepted by the mainstream. But at least it’s good enough for the History Channel!

If you liked this sample chapter, you should consider getting a copy of the book. It’s only $12 and makes an excellent gift for a historian with a sense of humor or for a joyless historian that you want to irritate.

Disinformation About the Denver Airport Continues to Spread

I’ve recently pointed out the importance of being a legitimate fringe conspiracy theorist and being skeptical of conspiracy theorists that might have actually been in on it all along. Unfortunately, the epicenter of all the real conspiracies has been the subject of a campaign of disinformation. Take for example William Tapley:


First of all, he doesn’t know the basic facts. Denver International is shaped like a swastika because it is run by the Nazi reptilian New World Order. It’s O’hare airport that’s shaped like a penis because they are in league with the Penis Aliens of Proxima Centauri. This is enough to make me think Tapley might be an amateur, but it’s the next piece of evidence that convinced me. If you look at timestamp 2:44 you’ll notice him singing hypnotically. Perhaps he is trying to embed subliminal messages into the public to further some clandestine agenda. I don’t know for sure what those might be, but they are certainly centered on distracting us from the shape-shifting reptoids that run our government. He may even be one of them. After all, he claims to be the “third eagle of the apocolypse.” Doesn’t this beg the question of what happened to the first and second eagles of the apocalypse? It’s possible that they are buried in his back yard, or possibly dumped into a river. We may never know for sure.

Another unqualified conspiritorialist is Annalee Newitz. She posts at length about the evil horse statue at the Denver Airport without even realizing that the statue was put there as a red herring to distract from the mural that decloaks!

This mural might seem normal now, but that is only because it is decloaked in this picture.

The mural is the key to understanding the entire conspiracy. Just keep looking at it until it recloaks and you’ll understand. Those who are in on it are compelled to accidentally leave clues and this one exposes the entire nazi reptoid plot to poison the planet with the help of the freemasons. I get the impression that Newitz has had the wool pulled over her eyes like so many sheeple. She even reposts that reptilian collaborator Tapley’s videos. Not to mention Jesse Ventura. I have no idea what Ventura is up to, but it’s surely sinister.

As always, do your own research and discover your own facts.

Is Bin Laden Really Dead?

I’ve been receiving quite a bit of email regarding the supposed death of Osama Bin Laden.  Here’s an example:

Dear Dr. Novakowsky,
I am an aspiring conspiracy theorist and have learned the truth about the Obama administration’s cover-up of Bin Laden’s continued living.  It’s obvious that Obama is lying about killing Osama so that he can let Osama continue to pretend to attack the U.S., so that Obama can continue to kill American civilians just like Bush did.  I could not possibly make this any clearer. Please help me expose the truth!

Aspiring Conspiracy Theorist, Mitchell Last-Name-Redacted

While I appreciate Mitchell’s enthusiasm, and really wish that I would have redacted my last name before NASA assassins learned about me and began hunting me, I’m afraid I have to burst the bubble.

This situation is way more complicated than Mitchell thinks. I do believe that the official explanation from the Reptilian One World Government (Obama) that Bin Laden was made of swamp gas and weather balloons is not particularly believable.

There are some other major holes in the official version of events, as usual.  For instance, if they killed Bin Laden and buried him at sea, then why did mosque building 7 collapse nearby? Also, why did all Bin Laden’s minions know that we went after Bin Laden? Our shadow government likes to keep secrets, so I doubt they would have let a terrorist organization know they were going to kill their leader.  This is another piece of evidence that al Qaeda has been in on it all along. Perhaps even assisting the U.S. Government in terrorist activities.

Even if the black ops team did kill Bin Laden, how can I believe it? I could only believe it if I am the one who killed him. Even then I cannot trust myself either, because the government (reptilians) might have made me hallucinate that. Trust no one!

The official argument that Bin Laden must have been killed is that the people in connection with him would notice that he was at one point alive and is now dead. This might be compelling, except that the whole country of Pakistan is in on the conspiracy.

So in conclusion, I sympathize with the public’s newfound desire to uncover the truth.  But you don’t get to just start out as a full-fledged conspiracy theorist. You have to intern as a conspiracy hypothesist for several years first.

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What You May Not Know About Jesse Ventura

While I’ve already informed you that Jesse Ventura is not to be trusted as a source of conspiratorial facts, only now am I ready to reveal some of the disturbing findings I’ve uncovered.

-He was the second shooter on the grassy knoll.

-He was the second iceberg that destroyed the Titanic.

-He piloted the UFO that crashed into Roswell.

-Was secretly the Predator alien the whole time.

-He believes transparency in government will make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus.

-Was secretly born in Kenya and Thailand.

-Is made of pure HAARP/HAARPSICORD energy and lives in the Aurora Borealis.

-Is a secret libertarian who is not obsessed with conspiracies.

-Ventura is the entire membership of the Illuminati.

-He fucked your mother.

-Had a job and it was on the inside of something.

-He is the secret cause of Dutch Oak Disease.

-Ventura writes shitty emo poetry.

-Has an hard outer shell with a creamy chocolate center.

-Intentionally paralyzed Stephen Hawking and keeps him drugged so that he cannot solve physics equations.

-Jesse Ventura was in on it all along.

Staying Off The Grid

It is very important to stay off the grid. “They” can find you if you have an email account, bank account or an organ donor card. If you doubt that the grid is dangerous, just think about the people who order waffles instead of pancakes. You know someone is a reptilian if they eat their food in grids, as you will always observe them shift-eyedly eating their waffles.

Stay off of anything that is a grid or even remotely grid-like. I went out of my way to move to a culdesac and I threw away all my graph paper.  Living off the grid can be tough, but it lets me limit my scans for listening devices in my cereal to 3 times a day. But don’t let you’re guard down, they are always trying to put you back on the grid. Just the other day, an operative from the government told me that I had to have trash service come and remove the piles of decaying garbage around my house. I don’t like the smell, but it’s a small price to pay to ensure that I am not on the grid.

I moved to a neighborhood recently that puts their electrical systems in neat grid-like shapes. I cut and spliced the hell out of that system until I was satisfied that it didn’t form a grid. Sure, this is a real fire hazard since wires are strewn about, but at least I get my electricity off the grid.

I have had to relocate my front porch twice now since employees at Google (AKA agents of the New World Order) keep GPSing it’s location. Is my front porch not safe now?

Making sure that no grid-like patterns form in your neighborhood can be daunting. Roads are a consistent hassle as they have a chauvinism to become grids. Using a supply of concrete and black paint (along with some creative cartography) can lead to a brilliant, windy and not at all grid-like road beloved by all (except the reptoid establishment).

One way people try to avoid being tracked on the figurative grid is to eschew credit cards and only pay for things in cash. This is folly though. Every dollar has a tracking device built in that you can see if you hold up to the light. If you need proof that this is used to spy on us, check out wheresgeorge.com which was started by a man named George who was being spied on and wanted to tell the world. As you can see from the map, this man must travel constantly to avoid capture.

The government doesn’t (yet) have the ability to track coins though. So you could pay for things in pennies and nickels. It might be too risky to venture into dimes and quarters though. It is best to avoid currency altogether and use a barter system. I usually pay for my groceries with enlightened analysis of what is going on behind the curtain.

Ultimately, there may not be a way around the grid. One day it will extend its reach infinitely. Just be aware that if you do something subversive like buy underwear or tire gauges, they will know about it.

As always, do your own research and discover your own facts.

Assange is Clearly a Reptilian and Time Traveler

A lot of people believe that as a professional conspiracy theorist, I must be proud of the work of Julian Assange, Wikileaks’ #1 guy, for revealing lots of government secrets.

But clearly Julian Assange is probably distraction #1. None of the secrets revealed by Wikileaks were aliens bodies, secret star gates, Bilderberg documents, one world government depopulation plans, fake moonlanding(s), Kennedy and Lincoln assassination plots revealed, etc.
This means one of two things: Julian assange is a reptilian or all of the conspiracy stuff I’ve been reporting for the last 30 years is less probable. I think it is obvious which one is true. I mean Building 7 of the WTC must have come down due to TNT. So clearly the government is sinister enough to fake the moonlanding, almost kill the Apollo astronauts, and do all this other conspiracy stuff. And no one can doubt the truth of Building 7’s destruction and how it proves the massive reptoid conspiracy. Thus, it proves Julian Assange is in on the conspiracy.

I know what you are thinking: where does the conspiracy end? Well, all of us might be in on the conspiracy. Our brains might be partitioned so that half of them secretly follow reptilian orders. Also, half of our brains might be reptilians. This might explain alien hand syndrome.

Perhaps the true conspiracy here is about Julian Assange’s connection to Bill Maher. As evidenced by the use of Macintosh computers in the 1950s, and cellular telephones in Charlie Chaplin movies, clearly our timeline is infested with time-travelers. Is it possible that Julian Assange has, at some point in the future time-traveled back to our time as an old man?

Currently the puppet government of the UK wants to arrest Assange. Clearly what will happen is that Assange will escape, hide for 20 years and then time travel back to get a job as a political comedian! It all makes sense! So we can conclude that due to causality, Assange will not in fact be arrested. But, clearly he is an agent of the reptilians, so our best hope is to have the UK authorities arrest and beat to death Bill Maher.

As always, do your own research and discover your own facts.

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The Slender Man Stole My Inner Child

The Slender Man stole my inner child. I am at a loss for words. The Slender Man has been running around stealing children as evidenced by many photos of him being near children before one or more go missing. Now, he has gone out of his way to steal the very essence of my joyful playfulness. When did I learn of this? When my psychologist told me to become more connected with my inner child, I tried to reach inside but I found nothing!

How many of these children had their inner child stolen before they had their outer self-child stolen?

It makes you wonder if the Slender Man is some kind of psychic vampire feasting on our inner youths. This reminds me of a situation where one day when I ordered some miniburgers at a diner. I thought to myself how they looked like youthful hamburgers and how they’d grow up to become adult double cheeseburgers. I left for a second to use the diner’s bathroom. When I returned, they were gone! I asked the waiter if he maybe saw a slender man dressed in black walk away with them. He said in a muffled, mouth full of stuff kind of way, “Yeah….yeah…it was that guy.” The Slender Man will stoop to any level to steal anything’s children, no matter how metaphorical.

Speaking of how the Slender Man stole my inner child, this reminds me of last Christmas when one day when I was visiting Toys R Us to get some presents for my niece and nephew, I witnessed a Slender Man running around in a Santa Claus uniform stealing presents from helpless kids and helpless parents. Who is this guy? Why’s the Slender Man running around in a Santa Claus uniform impersonating Santa? Even still this impersonation was horrible, as he had green skin and grinned evilly.

I couldn’t help but notice some background noise that started in a rhythmic pattern, “You’re a mean one Mr…..” I couldn’t make out the rest of the tune. I’m no cardiologist, but I suspect the Slender Man’s heart must be three sizes too small to be a normal man’s heart.

After observing the Slender Man’s behavior I couldn’t help but conclude that this was no Santa, and that he was in fact the antithesis of Santa Claus. Is it possible that this anti-Santa Slender Being is difficult to catch because he has the supernatural power of being from the true magnetic north pole? Who is this guy?

Does it seem odd to you that everyone who tries to go to the magnetic north pole winds up dead after some mysterious black helicopters decloak themselves?

Do your own research and discover your own facts!

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