What will you find Under the Kilt?

Romance writer Kilt Kilpatrick recently released a new volume of his stories, Under the Kilt. But readers may wonder, just what is under the kilt, anyway? The answer is a number of things, including but not limited to:

-Another kilt.

-Sexy times.

-A land lost in time and inhabited by dinosaurs.

-All the hidden evidence proving Jesus existed.

-Something that seems commonplace, but is in fact a much more complex metaphor.

-An excellent bargain for only 4.99!

-That ship that went missing from the Philadelphia Experiment.

-Some intense qualia.

-An unreleased David Lynch movie–the only one not made to be intentionally confusing.

-A hot threeway between you, your imagination and your primal urges. And some threeways with sexy dudes and sexy ladies.

-The missing Whitehouse tapes from the Nixon years.

-Over a dozen deleted scenes which were subsequently undeleted and published.

-Delicious homemade cookies.

-Steampunk so steamy it’ll make your leather googles fog up and make the cogs on your dirigible hot to the touch.

Hall of Whimsy: LeVar Burton

Here are some things you should know about the only actor worth following on Twitter.

You can also follow CSDP on Twitter. You know, if you’re not busy or anything.

Review: My Little Pony

Recently my daughter Eve has agreed to allow me to visit my grand-daughter Hope again under the condition that I never again let her get drunk on my whiskey. Since I’m currently out of whiskey, I agreed to this restriction. Something I’ve noticed about 7-year-old girls is that they don’t like the same shows I like. I tried watching Dexter and Mad Men with her, but she just started crying. In the end we watched what she wanted to watch, which is why I’m reviewing My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic instead of the white-supremacist fantasy film, Thor.

The first thing that caught my attention in MLP: FIM is the inaccuracies. For one thing, ponies do not have wings, horns or pet dragons. And only rarely do ponies actually have the power of human speech. When they do, it’s usually just to command you to murder your family. Fuck you pony, you’re not the boss of me. I’ll kill who I want, when I want.

In addition to being far more pastel than real ponies, they seem to be shaped differently. I have 57 ponies in my backyard and as you can see, my ponies don’t have the same body type:

In real life, you can see the ribs protruding outward like a xylophone and the skull should be exposed and the pony motionless with various scavengers consuming its flesh. This show may very well be promoting pony obesity. And all of these ponies are tattooed on their backsides like a bunch of tramps. What kind of message is this sending to the ponies at home? To go out and sleep with all the mustangs and then blame it on the Everclear while they slink away to the Pony Abortion Clinic to go get another one sucked out?

This show is very disturbing. It appears to be teaching ponies to become witches and cavort about in the nude giving animal sacrifices to the dark lord Loth-nor. You may have noticed that the subtitle of this show is “Friendship is Magic,” well I can tell you that that I immediately forbid my granddaughter from having any of these types of pagan relationships. When Eve came to pick her up, she was really mad because Hope kept crying. I don’t understand why, Eve was constantly crying around me when she was little, what’s the big deal? I give My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic a rating of 4 Out of 9 Immoral Obese Ponies.

Hall of Whimsy: Predictions That Will Never Happen

For the past 2,000 years (give or take a few centuries), the religious have been foretelling our doom. The satisfying snapping of the bone and sinew of the unbelievers coupled with the tortured screams of pagan children has been the wet dream of Christians like Harold Camping for quite some time.

But for whatever reason, the religious have a really hard time accurately predicting when this would happen.

Montanus predicted it in the 5th century.

That Methodist dude said it would happen in 1794.

The Millerite’s predicted it so many times they made a whole religion out of it called the 7th Day Apocalypsists.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses say it’ll happen every week or so.

Predictions come, predictions fail. It happens so often, and with such disappointing results I’m convinced it’ll never happen. Not in a million, billion years. Never ever.

On an unrelated note, Duke Nukem Forever was released today.

Hall of Whimsy: Roald Dahl Was a Troll

We all have a similar story I’m sure. At some point in elementary school a teacher suggested we read Matilda. Or James and the Giant Peach. For me it was the BFG. Inevitably, after reading it we would have a moment of realization and the kid equivalent of “WTF? Reading is fun?” Because of this, we all have a level of nostalgia about the man that makes it hard to process things like this.

I’d heard that he was abused as a kid. And that he was a spy. And one could easily chalk up his behavior to being a response to the things he experienced.

But the more I find out, the more I think Roald Dahl was not this complicated, tortured figure. In modern parlance, he did it for the lulz.

It’s really the only way to explain him constantly antagonizing his publishers, librarians and the Nintendo fanboy forums. In retrospect, I don’t know what else accounts for his role in Anonymous’ hacktivism and the constant links to goatse he would post in Youtube comments.

Should we really let kids read material written by 4Chan member?

Review: Short Circuit

So I went to go see the movie Short Circuit with my friend PJ Nickels in a theatre that only shows 80s films. Oh boy was I ill-impressed!

I expected the movie to be a romantic comedy about engineers educating you on how to avoid short circuits in your PC mother boards. But instead, it was a romantic comedy about typical romantic comedy stuff like loveable robots that have to be disassembled.

I also learned from this movie that Indians are originally from Pittsburg before they move to Bakersfield.

Other than these interesting facts, this movie was shitty. Yes, I know that living in Oregon makes you either a hippie or a redneck. Yes, I know that military contractors are always wanting to blow things up and never ask questions. And yes, I know Jews are responsible for all the wars and robot genocides in the world.

If there is one thing I did learn from this movie is that I may not be alive. Perhaps I only run reviewing! I give this movie a rating of 4 out of 10 Failed Turing Tests.

Do you like websites with birds on them? We do.

Disinformation About the Denver Airport Continues to Spread

I’ve recently pointed out the importance of being a legitimate fringe conspiracy theorist and being skeptical of conspiracy theorists that might have actually been in on it all along. Unfortunately, the epicenter of all the real conspiracies has been the subject of a campaign of disinformation. Take for example William Tapley:


First of all, he doesn’t know the basic facts. Denver International is shaped like a swastika because it is run by the Nazi reptilian New World Order. It’s O’hare airport that’s shaped like a penis because they are in league with the Penis Aliens of Proxima Centauri. This is enough to make me think Tapley might be an amateur, but it’s the next piece of evidence that convinced me. If you look at timestamp 2:44 you’ll notice him singing hypnotically. Perhaps he is trying to embed subliminal messages into the public to further some clandestine agenda. I don’t know for sure what those might be, but they are certainly centered on distracting us from the shape-shifting reptoids that run our government. He may even be one of them. After all, he claims to be the “third eagle of the apocolypse.” Doesn’t this beg the question of what happened to the first and second eagles of the apocalypse? It’s possible that they are buried in his back yard, or possibly dumped into a river. We may never know for sure.

Another unqualified conspiritorialist is Annalee Newitz. She posts at length about the evil horse statue at the Denver Airport without even realizing that the statue was put there as a red herring to distract from the mural that decloaks!

This mural might seem normal now, but that is only because it is decloaked in this picture.

The mural is the key to understanding the entire conspiracy. Just keep looking at it until it recloaks and you’ll understand. Those who are in on it are compelled to accidentally leave clues and this one exposes the entire nazi reptoid plot to poison the planet with the help of the freemasons. I get the impression that Newitz has had the wool pulled over her eyes like so many sheeple. She even reposts that reptilian collaborator Tapley’s videos. Not to mention Jesse Ventura. I have no idea what Ventura is up to, but it’s surely sinister.

As always, do your own research and discover your own facts.