Racist Tea Partiers Stop the Patriot Act

Those extremist, racist, wingnut, Nazi-Nazi teabaggers worked together with democrats to kill parts of the Patriot Act that were up for renewal. So racist! Why are tea partiers so racistly attacking Obama? I hate the Patriot Act too, but you don’t see me criticizing Obama do you? Of course not, that would be insanely racist. I didn’t want to support the Patriot Act, but I can’t be a racist, so there ya go.

Perhaps the problem stems from the tea partiers stupidly (and racistly) misunderstanding what racism is. Racism is defined as disagreeing with anything someone of another race does or says. It is also defined as holding any view that is right of center. So logically economist Thomas Sowell must be racist since he is right-wing and he disagrees with me, a white guy.

Snakes are a bunch of racists.

Not only are these tea partiers racist, but they are notoriously racist for wanting the economic policies of George W. Bush still maintained. Supposedly the number of black owned businesses has increased by 61% (three times faster than the rest of the market) to 1.9 million between the years 2002 and 2007. Yeah, but then the economy went to crap, so basically Bush was just building them up before he tore them down in the 2008 recession.

Some might argue that Bush then tried to bail out businesses in 2008, thus he cannot be racist in this regard. Yeah, but you are never going to convince me that the free market isn’t inherently racist, even if all races equally controlled the means of production. I learned a long time ago at Berkley that the invisible hand is an invisible white hand oppressing the other races, invisibly.

Locoroco 4 – Best Game Ever or Racist Propaganda?

The first barrier to reviewing Locoroco 4 was getting the game to work. I purchased the game and commanded it to work many times with no result. Eventually my daughter, Eve, came over and helped me out with it. Apparently you have to spend another $250 to buy a machine that coaxes it to function. What a ripoff. Even when I had this “PSP” device, no matter how many times I yelled at it I couldn’t get it to turn on. Eve eventually ended up playing the game for me and I watched and took notes for this review.

I was told that this game was racist as the objective of the game is to achieve world peace by wiping out all the black people. Ok, I’m with you so far, but these Moja guys look nothing like the blacks I’ve been trying to kill for world peace. Nelson Mandela most certainly cannot fly. Maybe it was meant as a metaphor, but it still seems like a bit of a stretch. Blacks use assault rifles and welfare checks to attack people but the badguys in Locoroco merely chuck spears and use giant penises to crush your protagonist. So I’m not at all convinced that the intent was racist.

A screenshot from the newest Locoroco game.

The hero is a caucasian blob that gets bigger as each level goes on. I can relate to that as my mistress Tiffany informs me that I just keep getting bigger and bigger. The main threat in this game is the Mojas spreading their black magic jazz, which you combat with DDR style application of country music. I always thought Garth Brooks would save the world, and I guess I was right! Instead of a health meter like most games have, the villain’s vitality is gauged by how many white women they’ve stolen away from more deserving white men. Save enough of them and the bad guy has to move out of your character’s neighborhood.

At first I thought that Locoroco’s message of world peace through genocide might be undermined by its lack of a black protagonist. I believe in diversity, of course. But these fears were assuaged when i got to level 3 and was introduced to the black costar, Uncle Tom. I tried to play with Eve at this point in the 2-player co-op mode, but unfortunately Uncle Tom’s only super power is to eat fried chicken and I wasn’t able to figure out the controls anyway. Oh well.

Overall, the game is very cute, but a bit repetitive. You find friends in the forest, then don a white rob and sing songs of peaceful supremacy over other races. You know, standard kids game stuff. I would have fallen asleep if Eve hadn’t been able to get to the end of the game as quickly as she did.

The final level of this game is a puzzle that can only be solved when you place burning crosses in precise order on the bad guy’s lawn. Do it in the proper order, with the speed increasing each time, and eventually the end boss will flee back to the Afrikan Empire and world peace flourishes. The only thing that confused me was why the end boss looked just like President Barack Obama. Probably just a coincidence.

So anyway, Locoroco 4 was an interesting game and definitely wasn’t racist–not even a little bit. I give it a review of 8 out of 10 Minstrel Singers.

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Explain THAT Science!: Time Cube

I consider myself something of a skeptic. Always have been. When I was a little kid, a teacher explained that there were 24 hours in a day. I wondered if that was for real or not. Now I finally have found the evidence to prove that my sonofabitch kindergarten teacher was a filthy liar!

Loyal reader, Kylie Ruminiator, sent this site to me: http://www.timecube.com/

The good doctor.

The good doctor.

Time Cube is absolutely brilliant. It accounts for why we need a 4-cornered family unit in this country. A family consisting of mom and dad and daughter and son.

The truth of the matter is that my kindergarten teacher was educated evil. I learned from Gene Ray, doctor of cubicism and the Wisest Human, that there are actually 4-24-hour days! If you need any proof of this, take a look at this cube:

See the four sides?

See the four sides?

It has 4-corners! You can’t deny it, therefore, the Time-Cube Principle is correct. If the evil and stupid notion of a 24-hour day were true, then why do I always feel like each day passes before me so quickly in a flurry of wasted and meaningless life? Simple, it is because of the reality of the cube day. All those who deny the cube day shall be spit on like the educated evil they are!

Sometimes it is difficult to convince people of this. I asked Dr. Ray for some assistance and he helped me out. Whenever you encounter someone not quite getting Time Cube, hit the button to the left on your keyboard. IT WILL MAKE YOUR WORDS COMPLETELY CAPITALIZED. PERSUASIVE POWERS ACTIVATE! If this fails, you should kill them for being educated evil.

Also, Ray is a genius in other areas as well. He knows how to reform education: “Tis Time to kill any educator who does not teach Cubicism above cubelessness. To save humanity from extinction, like prior civilizations perished, youth must redirect self teachers, or destroy them. … It is not immoral for students to kill all educators who ignore Nature’s Harmonic Time Cube or suppress free speech rights to debate Time Cube Creation Principle”

I have some issues with Gene Ray’s theories though. First, I’m pretty sure god isn’t queer. Look at all the destruction he wrought throughout the New Testament! Only straight males can be violent like that. Sure, God’s Jewish and yeah, I believe you when you say the Jews deserved their holocaust, but calling god queer? That just goes too far.

But lately I’ve begun to question one major principle of my master’s theory. I just can’t help but think maybe there are actually five 24-hour days instead of the conventional notion of 4. This controversial time-pentagon explains many of the holes in the current theory. The pentagram, normally thought to be pagan, is actually not. It’s just what evil pagan liars want you to believe that so that you cannot reap its benefits! The pentagram is actually a godly source of energy. If you could only think in terms of 5-24-hour days, you’d know that pentagrams are just higher-dimensional crosses.

The time pentagram can explain why parents, who have 2 kids, usually want just one more kid. It’s because they should! The parents should have 3 kids in order to balance out the 5-member family unit.

But the time pentagram explains much more than just families. The time pentagram also explains why the terrorists attacked the 5-sided Pentagon. Yes, they knew the good in 5-sided figure and they knew the evil they were doing. Need I say more?

The time pentagram also explains why the Spice Girls were so popular. A 5-member group will radiate goodness, just like a pentagram, and everyone will soak it up. The only reason the Spice Girls failed as a group was because of their rampant lesbianism. If it wasn’t for this, they might have ruled the world. I also don’t understand this dogma about 2-become-1 that was later preached by the Spice Girls before they broke up as a group, as revealed in this video. It’s obvious that 2-must-become-5. It just goes to show you that evil cannot exist in a 5-member anything. Eventually the 5-member entity must dissolve or the evil must be expelled!

I’m a skeptic, it’s true, but I can claim to be a true believer in burning people to a screaming death when they say they believe in 24-hour days. You may remember me talking about my old kindergarten teacher…he will not educate evil into anyone ever again.

One thing we can all agree on though, is Ray’s take on academia. “Academia destroys your brain,
your ability to think opposite.”

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The Healthcare Debate Is Cooling Down!

America! What the hell is wrong with you?! It’s been about one month into this healthcare debate and you’re already beginning to cool down and evaluate the facts?

Whatever happened to discussions of death panels?

Yesterday Sen. Orrin Hatch brought up the idea that maybe the 47 million Americans uninsured are not merely poor. The Republican Policy Committee have actually produced falsifiable data such as this chart:

Republican Policy Committees Breakdown of Uninsured Americans

Republican Policy Committee's Breakdown of Uninsured Americans

Also CNN has responded and has disputed a few of the claims, citing PolitiFact.com.

The absurdity gets worse as discussions have now developed into how 85% of privately insured Americans are satisfied with their health insurance. And how a very high percentage of seniors insured with Medicare are also satisfied.

What the hell?! You mean we’re using facts now. I mean, if we’re going to use facts, we can at least put up a chart about how many grandmas will be executed!

The media doesn’t even spend time reporting on how many right-wing protestors bring guns anymore. What an outrage!

Gun-totin Protestor

Gun-totin' Protestor

How can we have any kind of angry impassioned healthcare debate anymore if we do not focus on images such as the one above?

The trend lately in the media and also in the culture lately has been healthcare fatigue. People are beginning to calm down and look at the facts. But facts may make you think too much outside whatever ideology you might have already had or what disgust you might already have had. It’s just not what’s right.

There are a few solutions to help bring back the passion to the healthcare debate.

-Basically, if you’re a conservative, then pretend everything that you’ve heard from the left on healthcare is coming only from Michael Moore. Basically, you have to only attack the position that healthcare is free, that it’s going to be universal, and that we should be jealous of Cuba’s healthcare.

-If you’re a liberal, then you need to pretend that everything you’ve heard from the right on healthcare is death panels. Also, continue to only focus on the super loud and obnoxious right-wing protestors and their guns. Don’t look at anything else. Don’t even bother to listen to what Sen. Orrin Hatch has said!

-Continue to use terms like Nazi and Brownshirts.

-Make predictions that violence is inevitable! I mean c’mon, that’s totally the kind of self-fulfilling prophecy we want right now.

-If you’re a liberal, pay attention only to what’s extreme about the right’s view (tune especially to MSNBC and listen only to what Keith Olbermann tells you).

-If you’re on the right, make sure you carry the Obama Hitler signs produced by Lyndon LaRouche. Never mind the fact that Lyndon LaRouche has already stated openly that he’s only pretending to be conservative so that he can get Republican money and the Republican Party already stands against him.

La Rouches Obama Hitler

La Rouche's Obama Hitler

-Make sure you rush the healthcare bill through Congress as fast as you can.

-Also make sure you kill the bill as fast as you can.

-Above all. Do not cite anything from the bill when discussing it.

To my absolute annoyance town-hall protestors are not making the news anymore. Either the media is to blame for this or the town-hall protestors. More disturbing is how the Democrats are discussing taking more time on this bill. No way, we need to rush this thing, we need more vitriol from people on the opposition. You wouldn’t want to have a dialogue with them. Just treat them like irrational animals! Focus on Bill Maher’s quick dismissal of small town Republican Americans as idiots and Sean Hannity’s dismissal of anyone on the left as either full-time protestors or Ivy League graduates.

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Most importantly and above all, whatever extreme position you find yourself in, you must feel deep down like you are the moderate. You must always try to win people over to your ideas by claiming just how moderate you are, while you look at any other person that disagrees with you as though they are from another planet!

A Compromise for the Birther Movement?

This article is a response to prominent “birther” Tony Crandall’s statements about “President” Obama’s citizenship.

Look I know Obama is hiding the fact that he was not born in this country.  He was born overseas in Kenya.  He’s not willing to show that birth certificate live and in front of the country.  But I think it’s time to come to a compromise.  I think it’s high time that President Obama concedes to us that he will only count as 3/5’s of a President.  Look, I’m not racist for saying this, okay?  I just think that he should only be able to pass 3/5ths of the legislation into law or veto only 3/5ths of it.  He gets to pick whatever 3/5ths he wants; it’s his choice. Isn’t that good enough given that he might not actually be our President?  I mean…even if he legitimately was President, he only represents the fake America.  Look, this 3/5ths stuff has nothing to do with the 3/5ths compromise.  That would be racist.  So like I said it has nothing to do with that!
On the plus side, this means only 2/5ths of the troops under Barrack Hussein Obama’s command will be led poorly.  Any troops carrying out his orders will only be guilty of 2/5ths of treason!

My liberal Missippian friend Tony Crandall thinks that Osama, I mean Obama ought to be treated as 4/5ths instead of 3/5ths of a President.  His reason is beyond me.  The big latte drinking liberal!

This is what he says:
Look, it’s quite logical that Osama..I mean Obama should not be counted strictly as 3/5ths of a person.  This guy does have some white in him.  What you do is take the 3/5ths (black) and add it to the 5/5ths (white) in him and then divide by two to take the average thus resulting in 4/5ths.  Obama should logically be 4/5ths of a president because of his halfbreeded nature….I’m not racist by the way….I just think Osama…I mean Obama needs to compromise with this idea if he’s not going to show us his birth certificate…
Maybe we could give Obama an extra percentage point of citizenship for every faked birth certificate he shows us.  The lies at least are getting more creative. By this point he might be 23% eligible for the presidency.  But I’m not a racist for thinking that! By the way, I have my birth certificate on hand at all times. If anyone EVER questions my citizenship, I will show it to them, and then shoot them.”

Man, my liberal friend can say some radical things (and he’s just a moderate liberal!).  It just makes you think that this whole country is filled with radicals.  I’m beginning to feel like I’m the crazy one.  Anyway….
For those of you who’ve been duped by the LIEberal elites, let me lay out some of the problems with having an illegitimate president (that is, innelligeble for the office, not a bastard child, though many birthers have theories on that too!)
1. Health Care
I’m so infuriated at how this latest socialist agenda is going to have all of the elderly being chased by Dr. Kevorkian wannabes promising a quick and painless death in exchange for your whole goddamn paycheck.  Do you really want grandma in Obama’s gruesome death camps.  I even heard from a friend’s cousin’s basketball coach that Obama makes little doodle of frowning old people being gassed by him personally while he does a little dance.
2. Economic Stimulus
If a nearly a trillion dollars was really allocated toward economic recovery then why did Obama’s bank statement show that he bought several hundred billion dollars in DVDs on Amazon.com.  I saw it on the Drudge Report.
3. Cash For Clunkers
Liberals are just trying to take away our cars. Anything to promote their anti-american environmentalist agenda. Next you’ll see a “Cash for nuclear power plants” program. Don’t fall for it America!
4. The Implied Plan to Take Away All Our Guns
I don’t need to go into any detail here. The only time you see liberals on the shooting range is if they have “volunteered” to be a target or if they are trying to pry a gun from my cold dead hands. Happens every day.
5. Ceding control of the Whitehouse to Kenya (or maybe Indonesia?)
It’s very hard to tell what’s going on with this. Considering that Obama appointed a czar of Olympic class running and that the Treasury Department has been almost entirely replaced by Orangutans, I have a hard time figuring out what he’s aiming at.
Look this is free speech.  I have the right to say it.  No matter what consequences it may have.  Did I mention that I am not a racist?  Freedom of speech also means I can say whatever I want even if it is taken out of context by the LIEberal media.  One time I was saying that this country should be rid of all the Mexicans but the media reported that I said, “This country should be rid of all the Mexicans!!!!!!”  They got it all wrong…I used one fewer exclamation mark.  Those liars!
Barrack Osama is clearly not a citizen. (If you need convincing, see the youtube documentary Loose Certificates) Unfortunately, it seems we’re stuck with him since congress is controlled by socialists who are also communists and fascists. It seems inevitable that we’re going to lose our country to illegal immigrants commiting terrorist attacks all across Texas.
Anyway back to my original point.  What was my original point?  Oh yeah, that stupid liberal Tony Crandall needs to realize that Obama cannot be treated 1/5 more of a person than what he is.  I think Obama should only have 3/5ths of the power of the President in all regards and that’s my final word.  I’d just like to say in case I hadn’t said it – I am not a racist!  It is your patriotic duty to question if your black President…I mean any President….look this has nothing to do with having a black President.  Like what I was saying, it is your patriotic duty to question if your black President…dammit, I did it again.  It’s just your duty to ask for a birth certificate and if no birth certificate is revealed, just make Obama to agree with the 3/5ths compromise…whoops I mean the 3/5ths Presidential Compromise.  Yeah.

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