Unbelievable History: James Madison

By Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian


James Madison was the 4th President of the United States and the main architect of the Constitution. One little known thing about Madison was his staunch atheism. In his time he was famous for writing The Federalist Delusion, God Is Not Greateth, and his philosophical thought experiment involving some kind of invisble pottery or pasta or something. After getting elected, he outlawed Christianity. This is why no one elects atheists to public office in America anymore. Once, they tried to elect an atheist to the Senate, but a mob of Christian historians stormed one of the would-be Senator’s rallies. Then, using abalone shells, they flayed the skin from her bones.

Madison famously disapproved of the Treaty of Tripoli because it didn’t go far enough. It wasn’t enough that it simply declared that the U.S. was not a Christian nation. He thought it should’ve had two more paragraphs proclaiming a devout anti-theism message.

Instead of debating his opponents when he ran for President, he would have widely-publicized debates with creationists. However, since he lived before the theory of evolution–everyone was a creationist. These debates were mostly just Madison uninformedly rolling his eyes at all of the arguments about a divine watchmaker.

After being elected, the first thing Madison did was single-handedly provoke the British to invade America by sending King George III desecrated Eucharists. King George might not have minded this so much, but one of the ways Madison desecrated the Eucharist was by placing them inside the exhumed corpse of the King’s dead mother. Initially the King just asked for an apology and the rehuming of his mother, but Madison wanted none of this. Instead he went to war with England in a mad crusade to convert them to atheism. Contemporary critics called this, “Mr. Madison’s Jihad.” Clearly Madison was right to do this against those Anglicofascists.

In general, the populous complained about him being “shrill” and “strident.” They were right. If you don’t know what those words mean, they are both defined as being “of or like Richard Dawkins.”

Unbelievable Fact! After Madison created the U.S. Constitution, he went ahead and wrote on the back of it his famous “Spirit of the Constitution.” Whenever crises would happen in the U.S. economy, politicians could capitalize on this by flipping to the “The Spirit of the Constitution” side. The Spirit of the Constitution was used by future Congresses and future Presidents to bailout corporations and give handouts. It also helped in nationalizing automakers.

Not buying this book is a form of child abuse.

Fuck You, Peter Singer! #3-4


For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,
How dare you call yourself a moral philosopher, you shit for brains! My husband followed your advice to the letter, he did everything in the name of your thoughtless diatribes. Now he’s in jail for infanticide. Yes, infanti-fucking-cide. He killed our down syndrome baby in order to keep it from living a life of pain and inability. Well, guess what, fuck head, things aren’t so peaches and cream for us! Now he’s in jail and I’m struggling to keep my job, which is prostitution, and my pimp is gonna beat the living shit out of me. I hope you there is a special place in Hell for you Utilitarians. You want welfare for all, but all you do is create a life of fucking Hell.

-Miserable in Montana

We can’t respond to this criticism since we aren’t Peter Singer.

Dear Peter Singer,
Your moral statements are bullshit. You tell everyone that it’s morally permissible to kill the mentally handicapped, but for SOME REASON, every time I helpfully slit the throat of someone sitting next to me on the bus on the basis that they might be mentally handicapped, I’m hauled off to jail and given a lecture about how it’s in fact immoral and those people weren’t even mentally handicapped. Maybe you should put some more thought into your positions. Just my two cents.

-Slitting in Salem

Unbelievable History: Cleopatra

By John Titor, Time Traveler


Some modernist liars try to say that Cleopatra was in fact a very good queen, and that Roman propaganda is the reason people think she was unfit to rule. But really this just goes to show how much we should put our faith in propaganda. For example, we know that Cleopatra was slutty because Egyptologists found an ancient bathroom stall where someone had written about her cavernous vagina.

Let’s start at the beginning. Ptolemy Auletes, Cleopatra’s father, was always debaucherous, self-indulgent and always drinkin’ it up. These may sound like good qualities, but did you know that he had the audacity to drive his chariot sober with his young daughter Cleopatra? Living–not to mention driving–while sober, in classical Egypt was irresponsible as the Ptolemaic Dynasty would drive anyone mad.

Cleopatra married her brother, which may seem odd to you and I, but it is important to respect other cultures. In Egypt, people placed extreme value on the birth defects that arose from inbreeding. How else do you think all those cat people got there? The Greeks also valued deformities via incest. However, they lacked the natural Egyptian prowess at getting nasty with kin. This is why all the Greeks ever got out of their incest were cyclopes, minotauria, and flocks of harpies.

Historians think it absurd to believe that Cleopatra was black because she was a descendant of the Macedonian general Ptolemy. But actually she was the first black Macedonian. That was a pivotal step for other African-Egyptians. When Cleopatra was campaigning for Phaoroh she was scandalized by the high priest of her temple, who kept going on diatribes against white Egyptians. Most Egyptians were white of course, and these comments by priest Wrightolomeus were remarkably offensive. It got even worse on the campaign trail as her brother/husband made a huge faux pas by saying that he only now was proud of the Egyptian pyramids. Several pro-obelisk unions withdrew their support for Cleopatra after that. She still had a large block of supporters who would compare her to other great Egyptian leaders, calling her Neferretiesque.

Cleopatra campaigned on hope and asps, while her opponent, McCainidus was a maverick who instead advocated a fiscally conservative economic policy and poison dart frogs. Her campaign motto was, “Asps we can believ–ahhhh! It’s killed me!” Her campaign manager was going to write out a more complicated campaign slogan, but he was mysteriously killed near an asp that was mysteriously there and then mysteriously disappeared.

Some critics thought Cleopatra was unfit for to rule because she would mail every statesman except Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony deadly asps as presents. She didn’t know they were poisonous, and she was always wondering why Caesar and Anthony were the only people who would love her despite her not sending them beautiful, benevolent asps. She initially didn’t like them and that’s why she didn’t send them the prized snakes as gifts. Later, Cleopatra thought Mark Anthony was weirder than Caesar for still loving her despite that she refused to put an asp in his tent, in his shoes, in his astrolabe, in his coffee, or in his slave. It was about that time that Cleopatra decided that maybe Mark Anthony was the man for her. Eventually, all her campaigners died of asp bites, but she got the job anyway because everyone was worried as shit about getting asped by her.

Unbelievable Fact!  Cleopatra, just like the popular 1990s song implies, was famous for comin’ at ya. She would frequently harass other Egyptian nobles by continuously comin’ at them. Later, Roman Senators would complain to Caesar that Cleopatra would show up at their door unannounced and only moments later be comin’ at them.

Once she became Pharaoh, she quickly learned how to have a good time. While her compatriots were snortin’ lead acetate, she was trippin’ on asp bites. Her physician was forced to warn her that asp bites should not be mixed with mercury. She went a little too far one night when she snorted lead dust, drank down two glasses of mercury, and had ten asps hanging from her neck. If she just had one glass less of mercury, she might’ve lived. Asp bites just didn’t catch on in the general populous like it did for Cleopatra. Most people just over-dosed after just one bite. Lightweights!

After Cleopatra’s death, Octavian, who had seized the reigns of the Roman empire in the power vacuum following Caesar’s death, acted very jubilant at the news of Cleopatra’s horrible death. This was for public appearances alone, for he was truly quite saddened by her passing. For years he’d secretly longed to be a part of her massive, incestuous, asp-infested orgies.

Unbelievable Fact! The only other person to rival Cleopatra’s nuisance of form and grace was Helen of Troy who pestered the Greek King Menelaus to his end by getting kidnapped and starting inconvenient wars.

Cleopatra was breathtakingly beautiful, which was annoying. She frustrated many world leaders with her breathtaking beauty, which was constantly forcing these busy people to take extra breaths. How obnoxious is that?

If you liked this chapter, then buy the rest for $12. If you don’t, Cleopatra will proceed to come at ya.

Unbelievable History: The Egyptians

In honor of our book going on sale, please enjoy this sample chapter cross-posted from Unbelievable History.

By Uri Terrabyte, Conspiracy Historiast

The Egyptians are often credited with inventing geometry. In reality they only contributed a very small subset of knowledge to the general field. For one thing, all their geometry revolved around squares, triangles, and at best pyramids. But these guys did not have a clue about circles. As a result, the Egyptians totally ignored the circular sun, the circular pattern of day and night, and they even ignored the circular aliens called the Vondanikenites that tried to influence them.

The Vondanikenites even tried to get the attention of the Egyptians by making gigantic pyramids, but the self-centered Egyptians just took the credit for them. Then the aliens tried to make complex shapes on the mountaintops that looked like spiders and monkeys and such. Unfortunately for these frequently frustrated aliens, these shapes were only visible from space, so the Egyptians ignored these as well.

The Egyptian calendar is now touted as the great predictor of the end of the world. The calendar predicted the world will theoretically end in 1100 C.E. So that either means we’re all dead and thus ghosts or that we’re alive and their square-triangular calendar must be readjusted to circular time to get a better idea. Coincidentally, if you readjust their calendar so that it applies to circles or cycles, it says the world will end right when Roland Emmerich’s movie 2012 says it will end. Care to speculate on what year that is? This may surprise you, but it’s 2012. This calendar readjusted for circular clock and calendar usage is now called the MAYAN calendar which is short for Minor Adjustment for Years ANno domini. A pretty stupid acronym, but it gets the point across.

More interestingly, a lot of people wonder where the Egyptians went. If you look throughout Central America, you see no trace of what might have happened to them. The famous Greek philosopher Plato might have an answer though. Plato spoke of an ancient, super-advanced civilization that went missing. From that small snippet of information, we can probably merely speculate and then with great certainty conclude that the Egyptians left their Central American location to move to the sinking continent of Atlantis to go commit suicide because their evil pagan religion told them to do so. I think if you can get one historian drunk enough to agree to that, then it has passed the peer review stage. But unfortunately, we can only be certain of this fact without it being accepted by the mainstream. But at least it’s good enough for the History Channel!

If you liked this sample chapter, you should consider getting a copy of the book. It’s only $12 and makes an excellent gift for a historian with a sense of humor or for a joyless historian that you want to irritate.

Fuck You, Peter Singer

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,

Thanks a lot, you bastard! I took your advice at helping people’s whose needs outweighed mine and gave some poor bastards my house, my car, and my job. Now they’re still bastards and rich bastards at that. They’re always driving up and down the road with my Lexus, using my unlimited gas card, and throwing rocks at me, my wife, and my kids. They’ll actually stop by my cardboard box home and shit on it and piss on it laughing maniacally. I bet you’re stupid ass philosophy didn’t see that one coming, you fuck.

-Homeless in Houston

Explain THAT Science!: Dogs

I was watching a National Geographic episode called the “Science of Dogs.” What nonsense! It said dogs are a type of wolf. I am sorry but I knew right off that this show was stupid because dogs are a type of horse.

Idiot scientists, people race dogs and horses all the time, which probably means they share the distant cousin Nascara racecus. The show tried to convince me that dogs and humans co-evolved and dogs make eye-contact with you and can read your moods. What nonsense!

All the dogs I ever knew and owned cower their heads and never make eye-contact when I approach. Some just curl up in a ball and never move again. Stupid National Geographic!

The show also said something about how feeding your dogs is important. This is definitely false since dogs are autotrophs. Lastly and most absurdly, National Geographic made the bold and false claim that dogs can smell cancer in humans. Yeah right! I force feed my dogs carcinogens everyday and they never smell what’s afflicting them. Otherwise, they would do what was responsible and drive themselves to their local homeopathicist.

Idiot scientists!

Our National Parks: Cuyahoga Valley


Hello folks! I’m Ranger Ben Kurns. I want to give you an idea of just how great our national parks are in the hopes that you’ll one day visit them. So, let me tell you some facts about Cuyahoga Valley and some of my experiences there.

This is a pretty boring National Park. It preserves the rural landscape in Northeast Ohio. Basically, just go to Branson, Missouri and you’ll see the same thing.

The Towpath Trail is kinda interesting. I guess. Yeah, just go to Silver Dollar City or something. And the city of Branson, MO isn’t even paying me to advertise this fact. This place is really not very exciting, I really don’t know why NPS even preserves this place. This should really be under the jurisdiction of FEMA so that if there is a national emergency people can be forced to live here in camps and sterilized or euthanized, or whatever diabolical agenda FEMA is always having.

Another advantage Branson has over Cuyahoga Valley is its wealth of aging country music performers. Much like how the great elephants instinctively seek out the elephant graveyards, country music stars instinctively flock to Branson to complete their life cycle and spawn once more before death. The American Country Singer is a protected species and faces dangers from the encroagment of other musical genres such as the Indie Folk genre which has robbed the American Country Singers of their wealth of pearl button shirts and down-to-earth sensibilities. This invasive species is a threat, but can be dealt with by leaving out traps baited with hummus, Pabst Blue Ribbon and a copy of the latest Fleet Foxes album.

One of the more popular activities that park goers enjoy at Cuyahoga is biking along its many trails and taking in the beauty of the Ohio landscapes. Once again, Branson does it better. If you bike around there, there’s roads you can use that don’t damage your tires, bike racks to lock your bike to, and none of those wild animals that pose a threat to your well-being.

The wildlife at Cuyahoga is also rather disappointing. The American bald eagle is very over-rated. It pretty much just eats fish, like that vegetarian girl I dated. Far more interesting to me is the Branson Chamber of Commerce where you can learn about local shows such as Ray Stevens, the Tweed Show and the Baldknobbers.

I hope my experiences at Cuyahoga will inspire you to check out Branson, Missouri. Remember, these national parks are preserved for the people’s enjoyment.