Explain THAT Science!: Piltdown Man

Human evolution is the biggest hoax ever perpetrated by science. But the second biggest is Piltdown Man. Any time someone brings up the genetic similarities between species, transitional fossils, embryonic development, hemoglobin mutation rates and anything else in the supposed “mountain of evidence” for evolution, just remind them of good ol’ Piltdown Man.

For those not familiar, Piltdown Man was a hominid fossil discovered shortly after Java Man and Neanderthal Man, and was a fraudulent fabrication. It was in fact a human skull from the middle ages attached to an ape’s jawbone. And some people believed it was real for a little while! That is really the final nail in the coffin for evolution. If some people over a hundred years ago could be temporarily fooled, then how can we accept the consensus of millions of modern scientists with more background knowledge and testing equipment?

The problem with using Piltdown Man to discredit evil-lution, is that most people don’t remember it. It happened a long time ago and the timespan when scientists were fooled was very brief. Most people think it is irrelevant to modern evolutionary theory. So we have to keep on reminding them. Each day, I stand next to the bum on my street corner who is constantly shouting “9/11 was an inside job!” and then I shout “Piltdown Man is a hoax!” Most say “What’s a Piltdown Man?” or “Yeah, so?” everyone leaves with this really incredulous look on their faces, but they are definitely being converted to Christ’s love on the inside.

Standing next to this guy is the best place to proselytize.

The other thing I do to make sure people don’t forget Piltdown Man is I wear a shirt that says, “Piltdown Man: Never Forget.” I also make new Piltdown Man skulls to fool scientists. I leave them in places likely to be found by greedy, lying scientists such as the Smithsonian Institute. No one has fallen for it yet, but they will! When they do that will prove evolution wrong and then everyone will become a 6-8 day biblical creationist.

By the way, don’t listen to the people in this video. They are clearly lying their asses off.

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Explain THAT Science!: Economics

I have to tell you, I am sick of people talking about this “bad economy.” There is no such thing as economies. It is a manufactured modern day myth that secularists push down our children’s throats.

I only believe in microeconomics, not in macroeconomics. My professor back in high school tried to tell me GDP and unemployment numbers are proof of economics. Well, then why is that economic scientists cannot agree on unemployment or GDP numbers? Clearly if economists cannot agree on anything (even if their disagreements are just a few numbers off), then economics is hopeless.

Here are just a few of the many countless reasons of why economists are so wrong. Many economists will talk of some invisible hand. The “invisible hand” is just a tool Adam Smith used in order to deny some intelligent buyer. Seriously though Mr. Smith, why not postulate an invisible body and then give it invisible intelligence while you we’re at it? I believe there must be an Intelligent Buyer. I’m willing to concede though that it might be invisible.

To prevent my economic theory from having an infinite regress, one must postulate an Unsold Seller. St. Dow Jones once said that you cannot run a economy without having some primary seller that makes purchasing possible. This is pretty indisputable since there is no purchase without a seller and we also want to logically avoid infinite regresses in purchasing.

Adam Smith, probably contemplating how to lure people away from God.

And now for the undeniable conclusion to my argument that will put every secular economist to shame: The Intelligent Invisible Hand, the Intelligent Buyer and the Unsold Seller must all be the same being. And there is three of them, so it must be God! People keep saying that they can’t perceive this Trinity, which is true. You have to have some fai–interest….I meant high interest rates.

Still some people will illogically disagree with my obvious conclusion. But I just say to these people, why did Adam Smith recant on his death bed? By the way, Adam Smith wrote the Wealth of Nations but I don’t see any wealth that doesn’t belong to me or the individual people I encounter. What a liar!

Another important question is, where are all the transactional shops? And people will point to alleged transactional shops but I just respond, well, where are the transactional shops for all the exchanges between those transactions? Too many holes in your theory, Smithists.

Sadly, despite my good arguments, Wall Street is swarming with secular investors (Smithists). Fortunately though, I run a company for Christian investors called Snakehandlin’ Convulsive Annointed Oil Rubbers and Investing (SCAORI). So there is still hope. At SCAORI, we hold big tent “faith investents” in which we place hands on the broker and cast out poverty demons.

We have 500% more snakes than the leading secular investors.

If secular investors still are not convinced by my arguments, I’d just like to point out that all monetary transactions are irreducibly complex. Burn!

Finally I’d like to close with this: Hitler was a believer in economics. So was Stalin, albeit a different version (more proof it is a hoax.) Now, I’m not saying that a belief in economics destroyed their moral core, but I am implying it very strongly.

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Podcast 14 is up!

In this episode we have…

-Explain THAT Science!: Harry Trunckles explains the real nature of light and particle/wave duality.

-Jasper Pennies reviews the oil spill.

-Final Solutions: Michelle Glasshappy presents tips on how to take care of babies.

-The Unofficial Version: Nicola Novakowsky discusses possible 9/11 inside job culprits.

-Platinum Crowjackal explains spontaneous human combustion – giving the best anti-physicalist explanations.

-Future Facts: John Titor tells you about the future of the Olympics.

Download it here.

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Explain THAT Science!: Astronomy

Jesus H-ing Christ you astronomers are a boring bunch! When I say boring, I mean boring with a capital boring.

Take black holes for instance. ‘Black holes’ is such an uncreative term. These singularities are actually pretty impressive. They speak to God’s glory. I say we call them Glory Holes.

I would be really excited if I could see more pictures of Glory Holes.

I proposed this in a paper I sent off to Sky and Telescope to be published but they said they liked ‘black holes’ better but that I should go ahead and send in any future naming suggestions I come up with. Wow, a group of scientists thats actually open to my brilliant ideas! That doesn’t make up for them being so damned boring, but I guess thats a plus.

Astronomers are also spending tremendous amounts of time and money on ridiculous endeavors. For example, NASA is undergoing a massive effort to find water outside of the solar system. Listen NASA jerks, its very hard to get out of the solar system and back. Just use the tap. Or if you’re really picky you could buy a bottle of water at the gas station. But seriously, you need to be realistic about things when you get thirsty.

In order to find this water, they first have to look for extra-solar planets. The method that astronomers use to detect these is called the Public Transit method which apparently involves checking the bus schedules in Alpha Centauri. Presumably if they have a bus route, there must be a planet.

Don’t even get me started on the supposed Big Bang. Its only saving grace it that its less ridiculous than their previous theory of the universe coming into existence after Orion the Hunter and the greek goddess Pilates had some cosmic sex and laid a cosmic egg. Out of this egg hatched the universe. Of course, the Hatching Theory never properly explained the motion of the stars and galaxies, so they eventually found a new theory (i.e. were apparently lying!). And it seems like every astronomer has a different theory anyway.

Famed astronomer Michael Jackson was able to invent a means of effecient locomotion for humans walking on the lunar surface. But those NASA jerks didn’t even use it! More proof that they faked the whole thing. I even heard from a cousin’s friend’s boss that he had met someone who was there when they faked it. Booya! Another point for Harry Trunckles!

And can someone please explain why astronomers are so obsessed with their love lives? I mean, I get that you don’t have dates and all. I mean, its understandable. But you never properly explained how Venus being in the house of Jupiter will help you get a date with the cutie who works at whole foods. However, I did read my astronomy report in the paper and found that us Virgos are going to have financial success in the future. So maybe I’ll change my mind.

One redeeming virtue of astronomers though is that they put all that research into the development of their famous Sun Chips. I don’t know how they got robots to the sun to mine for these delicious snacks but I’ll at least support that effort.

Now that's nuclear fusion I can get behind.

If you have any further doubts that astronomy is a total waste, here is a music video made by the folks at SETI (the Search for Extra Teritorial Intelligence)

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Explain THAT Science!

Man. Scientists think they know everything don’t they. Well guess what? They’re not so smart. Really. I asked one once and he couldn’t even explain why my wife left me.

The ignorance doesn’t end there. There’s all sorts of things they don’t know. I asked an ecologist (more like ‘freakologist’, right?) how accurate the adage “liquor then beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor, never sicker” is and he said some nonsense about being a muslim and not “well versed in alcoholic lore”  Christ, first you’re an ecologist, now a muslim? Typical cowardice.

Lie-entists like to talk about the world being testable and knowable…but can we really know the answers to the big questions? Like true love, life-after-death and math problems with more than 10 digits involved?

Why are we paying our tax dollars to fund things that aren’t even relevant? Like cancer research. News flash science dudes: I don’t even have cancer! Idiots.

And whats the deal with these embryonic stem cells they keep rattling on about? Its not really important for us to put that much time into fetuses. Lets just wait until they’re born. Its easier and they’re cuter then.

So the Ass-tronomers(so named for where their heads are placed) tell us the universe was created in a big bang. And what came before that? Blank stares and fumbling “we don’t really know” answers are all I get. How arrogant of these scientists to make a claim without knowing everything about the universe. Its silly anyways, since we have plenty of evidence in the Bible that this theory is false.

Jeez, and don’t get me started on the Higgs-boson. Do you know that you can’t even see the damn things? I think these physicists at CERN (Pretty sure that stands for Crappy Eggheads and Really-lame-Nerds)  are just trying to steal our christian women by using terms like “God Particle.” When they collapse the universe into a singularity of their lameness I think I’ll beat them up.

I’m always getting pissed about these guys. And they’re ALWAYS lying to us. I’ll be vigilant and expose their frauds. Every time I update, I’ll let you know what shenanigans they’ve perpetrated this time.  Probably some shit with test tubes.

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