Explain That Science!: Mental Illness

First, I just have to take a big shit on psychology.  No one has a mind.  That was disproven when the Bible said man has a spirit, not a mind, and we don’t even know if womankind have spirits, my exwife didn’t.

Second, mental illness offends my sense of one justice.  If you rape someone, you should go to rape hell, and on Earth, you should raped by the judge or the jury regardless of your poor excuses.  In practical circumstances, mental illnesses don’t pass the test either.  For instance, I have an OCD uncle who is always always putting his legos perfectly in order in his lego set.  I tried reasoning with him by yelling at him but he wouldn’t listen.  So I just shook his lego box; that taught him!

Paranoid schizophrenics supposedly are paranoid but that is the correct response to ghosts and a government that is trying to teach our kids atheistic homosexuality in their government mosques.

Retardation means you’re slow, now get the fuck out of my way at the grocery store, you are making me retarded in my need for my fast paced speed.

Autism means you are spoiled and your parents put up with your unneeded sensitivity to mundane things like flushing the toilet.

When I worked for the mental health organization of Georgia, I tried to redefine my client’s condition as “Liberal Science Propagandation” and I got fired.  I also got fired because I liked to kick people down flights of stares and no one took too kindly to hard love.  Oh well, my ex-colleagues think I am a sociopath but that’s just some stupid diagnosis for my lack of caring for anyone, really. But if I ran over more pedestrians today than usual, I might care more but most of them have already been brainwashed by liberal scientists.  I would say secular scientists but it’s basically the same thing.

Explain THAT Science! – On Science and Religion

There are four theories on the proper relationship between science and religion.  The first is compromise.  This idea has it that science and religion can reconcile themselves and become a more complete truth.  What bullshit.  Science is clearly inferior to most things, including religion.  Science is inferior even to my dog that I maltreat regularly.

The second idea is that science and religion should not overlap and both are paths to their own truths.  Aka, non-overlapping magisteria.  This is almost correct.  The only problem I have with this is science seems to be on a path to its own falses.  So saying that science is equally on its own path to its truth is kinda nonsensical. 

The proper relationship between science and religion is conflict and that's perfectly fine with me because science will lose!

The third idea is mere dialogue.  The path of dialogue has it that science and religion, may not reconcile or conflict in actual reality but the best we can hope for is dialogue over the different interpretations of reality.  It differs from non-overlapping magisteria in the sense that science and religion have a dialogue rather than go their separate ways.  In other words, they communicate and gossip like a bunch of floozies.

The fourth and the best, in my estimation, is the conflict model.  In this idea, science and religion are in conflict over who is right.  And this is the only way it can be because both are logically incompatible.  I like this idea because science will always be wrong no matter if religion is right or my dog is right.  Science is wrong everytime!

Explain THAT Science!: Conservation

What’s with conservation and all these conservationists? Don’t conservationists know that energy and mass can neither be created nor destroyed? Why are we tax payers footing the bill for supposedly conserving our resources when they can neither be created nor destroyed.

Scientists, in the area of conservation, are always telling us to practice conservation but I chopped down every tree in my nearby forest and put all the trees through a wood chipper and guess what? The mass of the forest before I wood-chipped it was the same as it was after I wood-chipped it! So the mass was conserved regardless of whether I practiced conservation or not. So again, why do we need conservationists when mass can neither be created nor destroyed. Stupid scientists!

It looks like Isaac Newton was right after all!

I also polluted a nearby lake with mercury and the mass of both the lake and mercury was the same after I combined them as it was before I combined them. And there were not even any personnel around from the conservation department! Clearly, the mass of things is always the same in nature without hired conservationists, so again why do we need conservationists?

It’s pretty obvious that scientists do not understand their own laws of nature and should move over and give more spotlight to a whole host of alternative views. Seriously, why are scientists telling us to conserve and why are they hiring people to practice conservation when we already have a law of conservation of mass? The conservation department is totally redundant to the whole process of mass conservation.

What is going to be the next absurd thing conjured up by scientists? We need to practice gravity and we need a whole group of employees of the gravitational department?

Did you like this article? Please consider subscribing and telling your friends about it.

Explain THAT Science!: Public Schools


A lot of people ask me annoying questions such as “Why are you supposedly smarter than the entire scientific community? What do you do for a living anyway?” These are reasonable questions. The answer to both is that I am a public school teacher in Sedalia, Missouri.

This job allows me to indoctrinate children, but it can also be limiting. Working for government schools means that I can’t directly say that science is fake because of the Bible. Stupid constitution. Instead, I am limited to winking whenever I tell the students a scientific fact. I also have a laugh track set up to play whenever I mention the Big Bang.

The best part about the public school system is that every day I have 35 slaves to help me make Trunckles Tracts to put in dens of sin like the public library, or a hospital operating room.

One time when I was teaching evolution to a class, I was explaining how sperm and eggs just happened to exist 5 million bijillion years ago and a spark of lightning created a zombie fish that evolved into man and woman. Suddenly my teaching aide interrupted me to tell me how how that was not true and that it was in fact 6,000 years old and created by God. Nice try, but I knew she was just pretending to be a creationist so she could get me to admit my creationism and then turn me in. So I thought I’d be real sly and get her turned in instead. The principal surprisingly did not have her sent to the incinerator as I assumed he would. Man…the principal must be trying to get me to admit I’m a creationist too…wow, the conspiracy to silence creationists in the classroom runs deep.

As a science teacher desperately trying to keep his job, I am often confronted by other science teachers who criticize scientific stuff. But I bet it is a trick…they’re just trying to get me to criticize science too so they can fire my ass. I show them by pretending to believe that two rocks slammed into each other 15 quintillion years ago to make you and me.

Because of budget cuts, I sometimes have to be the health teacher too. It is very important that kids learn to mistrust authorities in white lab coats. So as soon as they are old enough to do whatever I say I go ahead and give them some cigarettes. They love the rich taste of freedom from lying epidemiologists. Cancer is just another deceptive plot from Big Patient. Kids need to know which drugs are unsafe though, so I pick out one kid each semester to be injected with a gallon of heroine. After a few months of this, I can safely say that no child in my class will use heroine, especially the one that died from overdosing.

As far as sex education is concerned, I have to be very careful not to give any information that would be useful enough to let them have sex without consequences. I pretty much tell them that any premarital sex carries with it a 100% likelihood of getting AIDs, especially from the condoms that come pre-infused with powdered HIV particulates. Pregnancy is a big deal too. So I explain to the kids that Jesus is where babies come from. Naturally, this is usually new information to my students. However, I explain how it all makes sense. According to scripture Jesus is all-god, all-human and all-stork. When I started as a teacher however, I did it exactly how the liberal elites wanted me to. I stopped when I became Christian because I didn’t feel like I should keep fuckin’ my students daily and teaching them to be gay.

If there is something other than fear that I hope to instill in my students it is that science can’t explain everything and that we should ignore it since it doesn’t have a 100% complete understanding of reality. For example, science can’t explain why my students hum the Darth Vader theme when I enter the room or why I feel compelled to send them to the makeshift dungeon that I made in the coat closet.

Did you like this article? Then subscribe or be expelled!

Future Facts: Science, Religion and Philosophy


Many from your time want to know what has happened with the conflict between religion and science. You probably have speculated that as time goes on science will slowly but surely replace religion. This idea of yours was absolutely mistaken. Religionists and scientists decided it was high time to put their differences aside to attack the real enemies: philosophers.

It became obvious as time went on that as scientists wanted to understand more and more about the natural world, philosophers would continue to ask questions like, “But is the simplicity of the world really the way the metaphysics is or is simplicity a way you reinterpret your data to fit your values?”

Not only did philosophers question the nature of the metaphysics but they even turned it into an issue of masculinity vs. femininity. Philosophers would ask if the entire enterprise of science was dominated by masculinist concepts of logic and methods of study. That perhaps more feminist notions should be incorporated into the methods of science.

Philosophers would also annoyingly bring ethical questions into science’s goals and projects. For example, many scientists just wanted to clone without some ethics panel asking if cloning was problematic in a secular morality.

Religionists were also troubled by philosophy quite terribly. Religionists believed that faith was some kind of window into the transcendent. But philosophers just kept asking terrible questions like, what is the nature of the transcendent? Can the transcendent be known? Is it meaningful to talk about the transcendent? Can it only be understood via negativa or must it be positively ascribed intelligible properties? If it exists, how does it exist?

It became obvious that religionists could handle scientists calling them irrationalists and scientists could handle some belief in God or gods just as long as the philosophers would just stop asking so many annoying questions.

Finally, a peaceful coexistence.


So as time went on the scientists accepted that the scientific method was handed down to humans by the gods and that humans had God-given rational faculties to interpret the sensible world around them. Religionists decided to accept basically everything science would throw at them and not take their religious views too seriously. Religionists also had to accept that the purpose gods have given us is our need to use science to better ourselves.

One stumbling block was that religionists and scientists became frustrated at their attempts to figure out how to create an ethical framework. So what they did was they imprisoned all philosophers on a remote island. As part of the condition of remaining alive, the philosophers would no longer ask anyone but themselves questions and they would use most of the effort to come up with an ethical framework that religionists and scientists could use to live in a civil society. And it worked.

As a result, everyone tacitly accepted the scientific method and whatever scientists told them as the truth, that there were gods that created the physical realm and blessed humans with an intellect in an unknowable manner, and everyone accepted the ethical system that philosophers gave them without question. Our society has been the most prosperous as a result. Amazingly scientists and philosophers only question each other secretly within their domain of expertise. The religionists however did not question and merely accept the scientific method and the truth that the gods had handed it down along with all of the truths of science.

Part of the reason we can get along so well is because in my time period no one debates “evolution vs creationism” anymore as we discovered these monoliths that are the cause of humanity. So the bigger debate is on the separation of monolith and state. Sometimes monolith proponents will try to sneak monoliths into the public school curriculum. We usually catch it after students begin brandishing bones while ominous music plays in the background.

Some of you may be wondering how the philosophers are faring in their banishment. On philosopher island they can p=-p themselves all day like little savages without bothering us, so it is pretty sweet for them. On a nearby island we have placed all of the theologians. They weren’t quite as annoying as the philosophers but they also used the word ‘qualia’ which made it difficult to distinguish them properly. On a side note, theologian island is the same island we put our cloned dinosaur clones on. The theologians yell “why god why?!” and visiting philosophers just yell “why?!” See how hard it is to tell them apart? I know what your thinking but we didn’t banish the theodicy scholars. They were just too amusing and we kept them for the public good–though they are spayed and neutered!

It used to be that people were pretty OK with philosophers, but that was before our first engineer president, who issued at least 5 amendments outright banning bothersome, inefficient gadflys who bother him while he’s trying to invent new laws.

Ever since we banished the philosophers, we eliminated all existentialism based wars, all Pyhthagorean plagues and all Cartesian infant deaths. Our society rocketed forward as all the potential philosophers instead went into engineering. We know how to make such amazing technology. Of course we no longer know “why” they work, or what agency they might have. But when you have time machines and spaceships who gives a shit about the why.

One major problem with lack of philosophers though is that we no longer know the ultimate meaning of life. We’d ask the banished philosophers but they have unfortunately gone feral. We also need to know how many angels dance on the head of a pin and how sound waves function without a proximate detection agency within forests.
Did you like this article? Please consider subscribing and telling your friends about it.

Explain THAT Science!: Theistic Evolution


Theistic Evolution is the groundbreaking theory which proposes that evolution happened exactly the way the evidence shows it did, but that God did it. This is a view being pushed by big name, groundbreaking scientists such as: Francis Collins, Michael Dowd and Billy Graham.

Critics say that theistic evolution is silly because evolution has no seeming direction other than that of continued survival and replication. Look, the erratic nature of evolution is perfectly in tune with God’s behavior. Just read the Bible, sheesh! People need to realize that God is red in tooth and claw.

“But Harry!” you are asking aloud right now, “Why would God make creatures like the parasitic wasp if he is a loving god?” the caterpillars being eaten alive like a scene from aliens is God’s way of punishing the evil caterpillars, which God made evil since he is mysterious. As for the latter criticism about God being a loving god, I implore you to consult scripture as the evidence does not support your claim.

There are other theistic evolutionists who think that evolution happened as the scientists say, but that God’s role was to create the first life form. This is a very reasonable belief to have since it matches what the Bible says. Don’t ask me where it says that….I think it was in the chapter where Moses explained the laws of thermodynamics and heliocentricism. When the Bible said that man was made out of dirt, it clearly meant that man came from 4 billion years of seemingly non-god centric life to get to this point.

I think theistic evolution a good start, but it is shortsighted to not apply this to other sciences. For example, I am a firm believer in theistic germ theory of disease. Yes, science is right when it says a virus is making you ill, but God put it there. Why? Who the fuck knows, he’s mysteeeeerious.

The field of particle physics is also best explained by applying non-relevant supernatural entities. I believe–and no one can disprove this–that invisible and infinitely small unicorns are what propel electrons around an atom. Also these invisible unicorns are teal. The theory of Invisible Pink Unicorns is a ridiculous straw man attack on faith, just like the Flying Spaghetti Monster or Shiva. No one seriously believes in such ludicrous things.

I also find Leprechaunistic Geology compelling. How else did those rocks get there if not for tectonic plate movement, volcanoes, uplift and a leprechaun’s magic?

In his book, Collins talks about how he was shown clear and undeniable evidence for God when he saw a waterfall with 3 forks in it, proving the trinity. I can relate to this as my conversion experience was when I was helping my son fix his rickety old treehouse and I accidentally hammered a nail into both his hands. To me this was proof of the miracle of the crucifixion.

Remember how I said that God was mysterious? Well, despite being damn near crucified by me, my son for some reason rejects Christianity and doesn’t talk to me much anymore. Can secular genetics explain that? No, ergo god.

Atheist scientists like Roland Dawking will counter that life appears as though it had no designer. These scientists need to spend some more time reading their Bibles and less time lookin’ at bacteriums with their pornoscopes. The reason life appears undesigned is cause God is a dumb as shit designer. It’s really cruel whenever P.C. Meyers brings this up, cause God doesn’t like to be reminded of his handicap.

In conclusion, theistic evolution is great! I used to hate every finding of science since it wasn’t in the Bible, but now that I know that any fact we discover proves God–no matter how much it does the opposite seemingly–I know that my faith is not and can never be in conflict with reality. Thanks Dr. Collins!

Did you like this article? Please consider subscribing and telling your friends about it.

Explain THAT Science!: Magnets


These days, the kids listen to lots of strange music. I don’t go in for all this rappin’ and rockin’. Scripture informs us that most rythmic sounds are just a way for the devil to worm his way into your brain-pan. But I had to relax my rules on this when I saw the new Insane Clown Posse video.

What’s so wonderful about this video is how it clearly defines what is God’s work (miracles) and the the work of Lord Satan (magic). One of these sage juggalos asked a question that the scientic community has been avoiding for years:

This clown actually answered the question himself. Since it could only be a miracle or magic, and we already know that magnets are evil, we can safely conclude that magnets operate on magic. It is the only way to explain how the Large Hadron Collider is constantly teleporting bird carcasses into itself from the future.

Not only are magnets magic, but you may be aware that the Bible prohibits the use of magnets. That is why I went out of my way to spend ridiculous amounts of money to buy this specialized computer that has no magnets inside of it at all. If you truly doubt the obvious truth of magnets being a source of voodoo, may I remind you that Alex Chiu made magnets that can make you immortal. Think God wants that? Of course not, otherwise the Bible would try to promise immortality.

Every field of science is riddled with magnetic sorcery. Geologists are are driven mad with magnet lust, digging them up and making magnoporn showing the Earth with a magnetic field for them to whack off to. Biologists believe in animal magnetism as an explanation for how two rocks smacked together to form chimps or whatever. And you don’t even want to know what chemists like to do with magnets.

I learned once from a professor that electromagnetism is stronger than gravity and that it is the force of this energy that lends itself to atomic weapons. I’m opposed to this! You cant hug your children with magnetic arms! These elitist professors are in the pocket of Big Magnet. They don’t have a care in the world for people like me who have electromagnetic sensitivity. You may not have heard of it, but it’s a disease in which I get ill from being near electrical wiring, microwaves, wifi, 25 watt light bulbs and excessively loud sparrows.

Magnets do have one saving grace. They have the potential to teach our kids opposite poles attract and like poles repel. This knowledge of magnets might help our kids have a heterosexual orientation. Unfortunately, you know some liberal science teachers are just gonna start giving magnets to our kids where likes attract and opposites repel. It’s inevitable…so I think it is probably wise to keep magnets out of our schools.

A gateway metal?

Which brings me to another major problem of magnets: They insidiously promote self-play among our young lads. It teaches them to at first play with a magnetic rod by themselves and then later they get into playing with some kind of other rod. Once they play with their own rod they inevitably become homosexual because they become obsessed with rods in general whether magnetic or otherwise.

It is painfully clear that magnets promote an immoral lifestyle. Ferromagnetic metals are always reversing their polarity. Do you really want your kids’ to be exposed to that level of filth? The Bible tells us not to give a crap about earthly concerns. What does the earth have? A giant-ass magnetic field.

Here's a picture of some of the magnoporn scientists keep stacks of under their mattresses.

Scientist preach that this magnetic field stops harmful incident solar radiation from reaching our planet. Oh, I get it…you guys are making up some secular bullshit theory to replace the divine hand of God that saves us daily from harmful solar rays. Big surprise there.

Albert Einstein began playing with magnets at an early age and look what happened to him! He turned into a reclusive old man who never combed his hair and was too lazy to wear socks. Most importantly, Einstein’s fascination with magnets led him downhill to creating one of the biggest shams of our time: theory of relativity. Because of the theory of relativity, there is no longer absolute time and absolute space. This kind of relativism has caused our schools to preach moral relativism which will destroy the fabric of our society.

I’m doing my best to stem the tide of moral decay though. The other day I saw some kids playing with magnets. I told the faculty at their school that they better not be brainwashing them any nonsense laws of electromagnetic induction or I’d make sure those teachers end up like Theo Van Gogh.

Become a fan of Carl Sagan’s Dance Party on Facebook!

Did you like this article? Please consider subscribing and telling your friends about it.