Racist Tea Partiers Stop the Patriot Act

Those extremist, racist, wingnut, Nazi-Nazi teabaggers worked together with democrats to kill parts of the Patriot Act that were up for renewal. So racist! Why are tea partiers so racistly attacking Obama? I hate the Patriot Act too, but you don’t see me criticizing Obama do you? Of course not, that would be insanely racist. I didn’t want to support the Patriot Act, but I can’t be a racist, so there ya go.

Perhaps the problem stems from the tea partiers stupidly (and racistly) misunderstanding what racism is. Racism is defined as disagreeing with anything someone of another race does or says. It is also defined as holding any view that is right of center. So logically economist Thomas Sowell must be racist since he is right-wing and he disagrees with me, a white guy.

Snakes are a bunch of racists.

Not only are these tea partiers racist, but they are notoriously racist for wanting the economic policies of George W. Bush still maintained. Supposedly the number of black owned businesses has increased by 61% (three times faster than the rest of the market) to 1.9 million between the years 2002 and 2007. Yeah, but then the economy went to crap, so basically Bush was just building them up before he tore them down in the 2008 recession.

Some might argue that Bush then tried to bail out businesses in 2008, thus he cannot be racist in this regard. Yeah, but you are never going to convince me that the free market isn’t inherently racist, even if all races equally controlled the means of production. I learned a long time ago at Berkley that the invisible hand is an invisible white hand oppressing the other races, invisibly.

Universal Healthcare Is Here to Stay Because It Will Be Amazing!

Hahahaha, you stupid conservatives. I laugh at you guys because you spent so much time trying to stop the inevitable. It’s like what Keith Olberman said (more like Keith Overman because I worship him daily), when he paraphrased the philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, that we have a will to live and we cannot be denied life. Essentially, Olberman pointed out that universal healthcare will happen as a result of our desire to live longer healthier lives. This healthcare bill will not only keep us alive but will make us immortal through mandated insurance. Is this really what you conservatives have been opposing the whole time. Immortality? Idiots.

We live in a country where we have soaring deficits and California and now New York are potentially going bankrupt. It only makes sense that we implement mandated healthcare now. This new healthcare system will amazingly create a surplus and save countless American’s lives.  Obviously.  It’s like what President Obama said. We needed to pass this healthcare bill to stop our nation from going bankrupt. Not only will this mandated healthcare system create a surplus, it will probably end our national debt! How’s it going to manage that? By getting rid of wasteful spending in Medicare. By the way, whichever Congress and President that passed Medicare probably should’ve been as smart as this Congress and President and not had that wasteful spending in the first place. How dumb was that. Not to worry, this President and Congress isn’t that stupid. There will be negative waste in this new system because the mandated healthcare system will actually not have waste and get rid of Medicare’s waste at the same time. Fuckin’ amazing!

Even more amazing is that we don’t even know what’s completely entailed in this mandate. Nancy Pelosi, in an effort to surprise us, told us that we’d have to wait to see what was in the bill after it passed. That’s so sweet because it’s just like a birthday present.

Get this, the healthcare bill will employ more than 16,000 new people to the IRS. Wow! I think I’m gonna go work at the IRS. Also, the healthcare system will already be a huge burden on AT&T, John Deere, and Caterpillar. Man, I love it when rich asshole companies get taxed. I hate rich people, don’t you? It’s really easy to hate a class of people you never really meet and also it’s socially acceptable (sure they hire us and give us goods and services but that’s only in an effort to exploit us). I know what you’re thinking though, burdensome taxes will keep these companies from hiring more people. But those people can just go work at the IRS! Man, this legislation is brilliant! One of my favorite things is how this new mandate will require fast food chains with 20+ stores to post nutritional information right on their menu. That way when I pull through the drive thru and read whoever’s 100 ft X 100 ft sign, I can know in more detail what I already know: fast food isn’t so good for you. It’s the detail that’s important.

In closing I’d like to say just how annoyingly stupid the conservatives have been with their stupid tea bagger following. Most tea baggers are middle class or poorer which just goes to show you how ironic their opposition to healthcare has been.  Maybe they should stop teabaggin’ each other long enough to appreciate this new healthcare system.  Most of the benefits of this healthcare will go to you fuckers, can’t you see? Why can’t you guys just shut up and take the handouts? Isn’t it obvious that the nation is already more healthy. With this new healthcare law we’re a lot more healthy and people will never die or be denied really super great out of this world care. Also, unlike Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare, this new healthcare entitlement will not go bankrupt. I don’t know what those other Congresses and Presidents were thinking when they passed those programs, but this Congress and President passed a perfect bill that will have no ill consequences.

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Those Teabaggin’ Tea Party Protestors Are Racists Racists RACISTS!!!

These tea baggin’ tea partyin’ brownshirts are driving me nuts. Why don’t they go back to the Alabaman swamps where they came from?

It’s obvious why they don’t leave this awesome President alone. Jeneane Garofalo said it well when she explained that these rightwing nutjobs have an inordinately huge limbic system that presses their cerebral cortex up against their inner skull and causes their neurons to misfire.

Those teabaggers like to go teabaggin each other all day. Hahaha, that joke never gets old. Ever. It’s such a clever joke. It’s also not really a joke. I think it’s pretty obvious they only get mad about me saying that because they actually are teabaggin’ each other. What a bunch of self-hating teabagophobes.

When you look at the tea party protests all you see is a crowd of white. That’s because they’re all a bunch of racists who can’t stand a black President. Duh, that must be the obvious conclusion. It couldn’t be because of partisan politics or anything like that. I mean, you know how the tea partiers are all angry at first black female Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and first black Senate Leader Harry Reid because they’re black. This is nothing more than a replay of the racist attacks against the Clintons in the 1990s.

I once spoke to a tea partier and he was telling me how he opposed the bailouts and the stimulus. And I told him, “Well why weren’t you out protesting Bush when he was practicing corporate welfare?” and all he told me that he didn’t like what Bush had done but he didn’t expect Obama to do more of the same that Bush did. Yeah, uh huh…likely story. Clearly his ulterior motive, even if unconscious to himself, is to hate the black President. His ulterior motive couldn’t simply be partisan politics at the most. No, just pure naked racism.

I am very happy with how CNN handled these teabaggers last year.

Too bad CNN doesn’t continue this more objective reporting.

I’d also like to talk about how dangerous these tea party protestors are given the fact that a guy inspired by their ideology crashed into the IRS building. Don’t pay attention to the fact that he also made an anti-capitalist rant in his manifesto. That part undermines the point I just made.

I hope I’ve made my point to those of you not yet convinced about the Tea Party movement. Also, did you know that the President is black?

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Barack Obama v Sarah Palin!

Obama Rules!

I Don’t Get All This Anti-Obamaism! Every time I visit Michelle Malkin’s Hot Air, the attacks on Obama reminds me of the early Communist witch-hunt tactics exploited by Joseph McCarthy. Let me set some things straight about Obama.

Obama restored dignity to the Presidency. First there were those classy Greek columns at his nomination, and for the past 6 months he’s been riding a majestic white horse through the White House while wearing a flowing, regal cape.

And where’s all the golden Lenin-esque style Obama statues that were supposed to go up in front of the courthouses? You conservatives should be grateful he didn’t go that far with it.

Shouldn’t you be happy that he only redistributed funding away from 70% of Conservative Talk Radio to more deserving Air America?

Stop complaining about the stimulus bill you guys. Keynesian economics is actually very simple. You pay a guy to dig a hole, then put all your money in the hole, followed by the guy who dug the hole. Then, pay another guy to fill the hole. Repeat ad infinitum for plus results.

Social conservatives are always gassing on about how there should be more god in government. Well, Obama is clearly a fan of Jesus since he is usually wearing a crown of thorns on his diplomatic missions.

You guys just need to chill. Look at how he’s helped fund science. Now NASA can use all the Fox News correspondents it wants as heat-resistant shielding for the space shuttle.

And he only burned 40% of all the Ayn Rand books so far, and that’s a pretty significant sacrifice when you consider how many have to be burned to heat the White House.

Obama might not revoke the Constitution! I read that in his book. He also is ok with some Republicans being allowed to own businesses…under Democrat supervision of course!

Anyway, here’s the rightwing nut job Bunker Pundit here to respond to my enlightening post with his nonsense about Sarah Palin.

Defending Sarah Palin Against the Media Elites

Heroic Sarah Palin prevented swarms of moose from invading Wasilla.

The only reason Sarah Palin shoots wolves from helicopters is ’cause they keep jumping into the air and attacking her helicopter. She has no choice!

A lot of people think that Sarah Palin is wrong about wanting to drill for oil in ANWR. Have you been to ANWR? That place is pretty overrated. Also, if you only knew how many wolves were stealing our oil from ANWR, then you’d be taking what oil was left.

Sarah Palin is like a magical GOP genie. She comes out of her magic lamp right when you need her the most and instead of crossing her arms and shaking her head, she smiles and winks and the death panelists are stopped.

When Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin which newspapers and newsmagazines she reads,  her response was, “all of them.” You’re darn right! She read every single newspaper and newsmagazine.

A lot of people find it problematic that Sarah Palin hunts. Let’s bring in some context though. Theodore Roosevelt used to hunt big game and exotic animals and many Americans believe he was in tune with nature. Can’t we just be happy that Palin didn’t shoot John McCain and eat him?

Sarah Palin controversially talked about the real America in contrast to the fake America. Many people are offended that she would categorize them into fake America. Really, she should be praised for at least making scientifically falsifiable claims – If your state no longer believes in the Constitution, you’re probably not a real American state. When Barack Obama talks about the 57 states, which country is he talking about? Is he just talking about an etherial America where there are 7 more blue states? Suck it Blue America!

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Final Solutions: Tips for Handling Fire

By Independent Consultant Michelle Glasshappy

Tired of your house being constantly filled with fire? Try these simple techniques to deal with the persistent blazes.

-Fighting fire with fire is the traditional wisdom, but it actually is better to fight fire with orphans. Why orphans? Because everyone who has met one knows they’re a complete burden on society.

-Water doesn’t actually extinguish fire nearly as effectively as family pets.

-If you see a fire, quickly stop-drop-and roll it out. Also, roll a couple of orphans over the fire while you’re at it.

-If fire is approaching your house, don’t let the fire have the luxury of eating your house. Dissolve your house in acid before the fire gets there.

-Mix in a little bit of water with some fire. The bigger fire will think the water-fire is one of its kind and let it get close, then the water will extinguish the fire.

-Fire, like most organisms, needs sleep. Figure out its sleeping pattern and interrupt it. The pure fatigue of not getting a good nap will weaken it and make it vulnerable to you.

-Attempt to mind melt with the fire to figure out what makes it tick. If you haven’t established a psychic bond with it yet, you need to get closer.

-Try stabbing the fire with a knife composed of frozen water. If that doesn’t work, try stabbing it with a knife made of frozen steam.

-Make a trail with gasoline leading into your basement. Once you’ve led the fire into your basement, lock the door.

-Sprinkle garlic generously throughout the house since fire–like vampires–abhors garlic.

-Do not begin mopping up the fire until you have swept away some of the larger fire chunks with a broom.

-Maybe fighting fire isn’t always a good idea. Attempt to coexist with the fire by letting it burn some of your house and city. It might be thankful.

-Use radiation. Fire, like most organisms has DNA. Destroy its DNA with radiation and inhibit its ability to reproduce.

-Ignore the fire and it will stop once it realizes that its rude behavior will not succeed in getting your attention.

-If orphans and pets are not enough, you might consider overcoming the fire with astral-projection. Sure, you’re body may burn to a crisp, but your soul will remain intact.

-If your house is haunted, use some of those pesky ghosts to put out the blaze.

-If you need to put out a “fire” in your belly, try Pepcid AC.

-Think outside the box. Mostly cause the box is on fire!

-When the fire isn’t looking, slip a cyanide tablet in its drink.

-If you’re still having trouble getting the fire to leave, just sell it on eBay.

-If your house is at the top of a volcano, and the magma is burning you….well, fuck you.

-As soon as you see that a grease fire has erupted in your kitchen, uninstall Firefox immediately. Opera doesn’t give you third degree burns. Duh.

-Start another fire at the opposite end of the house and the flames will cancel each other out.

-Get some penicillin to treat your gonorrhea if you really want to put out that crotch fire!

-Can’t beat fire? Join it! Consume wood and other flammable materials in all directions.

Are you one of those nanny state liberals who want the government to deal with things like fire? Here’s my advice to you.

-Instead of calling the Fire Department, just call the Water Department silly!

-Have the UN write the towering blaze a letter of reprimand. That’ll stop it for sure.

-Unless the fires has consumed at least half of your house, do not call the fire department since that could waste valuable city resources and tax dollars.

-You should join the Tea Party protests to keep that fire from taxing you, boy howdy!

If you happen to be an actual firefighter, I have professional grade advice for you.

-If you are the fire marshall, find out if any of the firefighters are traitors, secretly aiding the Flame, then execute them.

-Find out the fire’s weaknesses by sending spies into the fire to covertly gather data.

-Pull a more influential bit of the fire aside and bribe it to get the rest of the fire to leave.

-Assassinate the queen fire.

If you don’t like all of this secular advice, here is what the Bible says about dealing with fire.

-An eye for a burnt crispy eye, a tooth for charred dental remains.

-Spare the rod, be engulfed by the fire.

-If a man should lie with another fire, they should be immediately put to death, using fire.

-Judge not, lest ye be burnt crispy.

-God gave his only begotten inferno for our sins. That may seem to go against what you’ve been taught, but remember that Logos was the word for Christ according to the neoplatonist Christians, and for Heraclitus it meant ‘fire.’ Biblical scholars think this is why Jesus is always described as a strong, charismatic chemical reaction burning the countryside.

-Crucifying the fire may seem like a good idea, but biblical history tells us that this will only make it come back reborn, stronger 3 days later as a zombie blaze.

-If the traditional Christian firefighting techniques fail, run to the church and pray to the patron saint of domestic fires.

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Avatar: Where’s the anti-Americanism?

So I’ve heard a lot about Avatar so I knew I had to see it. My conservative friends warned me about seeing it because they saw elements of anti-Americanism throughout the movie. So I asked my more liberal friends, and they told me that this movie was made by a person who makes a lot of money and since money is evil, then a movie made by money wouldn’t be anything remotely anti-American. My liberal friends make a good point there.

So I went and saw the movie and, boy howdy, it started off with war clips of American soldiers eating Iraqi babies and it portrayed our American men and women in uniform as maniacal savages killing anything that moved. Then it showed a clip of George W. Bush on the aircraft carrier with his face covered in blood, his hands full of money, and the money had petroleum oil all over it. Then it zoomed in on his lips and he spoke the words, “Mission Accomplished.”

This was the movie poster for Avatar. It has the statue of liberty AND President Bush. Seems pretty American to me.

I have to say, I was a bit confused about this beginning part. Who was I supposed to hate more, the soldiers or aircraft carriers?

Anyway, then after all those war clips, everything turned CGI. If I understand the story line correctly, as humans encroach deeper into Pandorastan’s forests in order to obtain some valuable mineral, the Na’viban take threat and defend themselves. The Na’viban fly an airplane into the Greed Trade Center and all the greedy little Eichmanns die. When the Greed Trade Center is destroyed, money comes pouring out of it and the money falls into the hands of the proletariat. For two days, there is nothing but peace and rejoicing and poor Americans are using the money to buy simple things like food and clothing. Unfortunately, things change real quick.

All of a sudden, the President sues the poor for all the money they rightfully collected and this money is redistributed back to Wall Street. War is then declared on the Na’viban. Ironically, after the poor’s rightful money is seized, the poor are brainwashed into signing up to fight the poor Na’viban and seize their mineral supplies.

After all of this, the movie paused for a second and then an advertisement for Howard Zinn’s The People’s History of the United States was shown. Quickly after that, another clip was shown of Hugo Chavez liberating the poor by bulldozing down rich people’s houses. And then in bright red letters it said “Audience: Feel Free To Laugh At The Misfortunes Of The Evil Capitalists”

Anyway, the rest of the movie involved this American guy named Jake who eventually befriended the Na’viban when he discovered just how peaceful they really were. Jake is convinced by Che, one of the Na’viban members, that the American Military Industrial Complex conquers and oppresses poor people best through propaganda. At the end of the movie, Jake straps a hydrogen bomb to his back and nukes New York City, and the Na’viban celebrate.

When the credits roll it shows George W. Bush covered in blood and oil, holding up an Iraqi baby that he is about to throw off a cliff onto a giant mound of bloody Iraqi babies.

I have to say, this movie didn’t make any amount of sense but I am not really seeing the anti-Americanism in this movie.

I give this movie a rating of half-as-good-as-Capitalism: A Love Story.

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