By Independent Consultant Michelle Glasshappy
Tired of your house being constantly filled with fire? Try these simple techniques to deal with the persistent blazes.
-Fighting fire with fire is the traditional wisdom, but it actually is better to fight fire with orphans. Why orphans? Because everyone who has met one knows they’re a complete burden on society.
-Water doesn’t actually extinguish fire nearly as effectively as family pets.
-If you see a fire, quickly stop-drop-and roll it out. Also, roll a couple of orphans over the fire while you’re at it.
-If fire is approaching your house, don’t let the fire have the luxury of eating your house. Dissolve your house in acid before the fire gets there.
-Mix in a little bit of water with some fire. The bigger fire will think the water-fire is one of its kind and let it get close, then the water will extinguish the fire.
-Fire, like most organisms, needs sleep. Figure out its sleeping pattern and interrupt it. The pure fatigue of not getting a good nap will weaken it and make it vulnerable to you.
-Attempt to mind melt with the fire to figure out what makes it tick. If you haven’t established a psychic bond with it yet, you need to get closer.
-Try stabbing the fire with a knife composed of frozen water. If that doesn’t work, try stabbing it with a knife made of frozen steam.
-Make a trail with gasoline leading into your basement. Once you’ve led the fire into your basement, lock the door.
-Sprinkle garlic generously throughout the house since fire–like vampires–abhors garlic.
-Do not begin mopping up the fire until you have swept away some of the larger fire chunks with a broom.
-Maybe fighting fire isn’t always a good idea. Attempt to coexist with the fire by letting it burn some of your house and city. It might be thankful.
-Use radiation. Fire, like most organisms has DNA. Destroy its DNA with radiation and inhibit its ability to reproduce.
-Ignore the fire and it will stop once it realizes that its rude behavior will not succeed in getting your attention.
-If orphans and pets are not enough, you might consider overcoming the fire with astral-projection. Sure, you’re body may burn to a crisp, but your soul will remain intact.
-If your house is haunted, use some of those pesky ghosts to put out the blaze.
-If you need to put out a “fire” in your belly, try Pepcid AC.
-Think outside the box. Mostly cause the box is on fire!
-When the fire isn’t looking, slip a cyanide tablet in its drink.
-If you’re still having trouble getting the fire to leave, just sell it on eBay.
-If your house is at the top of a volcano, and the magma is burning you….well, fuck you.
-As soon as you see that a grease fire has erupted in your kitchen, uninstall Firefox immediately. Opera doesn’t give you third degree burns. Duh.
-Start another fire at the opposite end of the house and the flames will cancel each other out.
-Get some penicillin to treat your gonorrhea if you really want to put out that crotch fire!
-Can’t beat fire? Join it! Consume wood and other flammable materials in all directions.
Are you one of those nanny state liberals who want the government to deal with things like fire? Here’s my advice to you.
-Instead of calling the Fire Department, just call the Water Department silly!
-Have the UN write the towering blaze a letter of reprimand. That’ll stop it for sure.
-Unless the fires has consumed at least half of your house, do not call the fire department since that could waste valuable city resources and tax dollars.
-You should join the Tea Party protests to keep that fire from taxing you, boy howdy!
If you happen to be an actual firefighter, I have professional grade advice for you.
-If you are the fire marshall, find out if any of the firefighters are traitors, secretly aiding the Flame, then execute them.
-Find out the fire’s weaknesses by sending spies into the fire to covertly gather data.
-Pull a more influential bit of the fire aside and bribe it to get the rest of the fire to leave.
-Assassinate the queen fire.
If you don’t like all of this secular advice, here is what the Bible says about dealing with fire.
-An eye for a burnt crispy eye, a tooth for charred dental remains.
-Spare the rod, be engulfed by the fire.
-If a man should lie with another fire, they should be immediately put to death, using fire.
-Judge not, lest ye be burnt crispy.
-God gave his only begotten inferno for our sins. That may seem to go against what you’ve been taught, but remember that Logos was the word for Christ according to the neoplatonist Christians, and for Heraclitus it meant ‘fire.’ Biblical scholars think this is why Jesus is always described as a strong, charismatic chemical reaction burning the countryside.
-Crucifying the fire may seem like a good idea, but biblical history tells us that this will only make it come back reborn, stronger 3 days later as a zombie blaze.
-If the traditional Christian firefighting techniques fail, run to the church and pray to the patron saint of domestic fires.
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