Unbelievable History: The Egyptians

In honor of our book going on sale, please enjoy this sample chapter cross-posted from Unbelievable History.

By Uri Terrabyte, Conspiracy Historiast

The Egyptians are often credited with inventing geometry. In reality they only contributed a very small subset of knowledge to the general field. For one thing, all their geometry revolved around squares, triangles, and at best pyramids. But these guys did not have a clue about circles. As a result, the Egyptians totally ignored the circular sun, the circular pattern of day and night, and they even ignored the circular aliens called the Vondanikenites that tried to influence them.

The Vondanikenites even tried to get the attention of the Egyptians by making gigantic pyramids, but the self-centered Egyptians just took the credit for them. Then the aliens tried to make complex shapes on the mountaintops that looked like spiders and monkeys and such. Unfortunately for these frequently frustrated aliens, these shapes were only visible from space, so the Egyptians ignored these as well.

The Egyptian calendar is now touted as the great predictor of the end of the world. The calendar predicted the world will theoretically end in 1100 C.E. So that either means we’re all dead and thus ghosts or that we’re alive and their square-triangular calendar must be readjusted to circular time to get a better idea. Coincidentally, if you readjust their calendar so that it applies to circles or cycles, it says the world will end right when Roland Emmerich’s movie 2012 says it will end. Care to speculate on what year that is? This may surprise you, but it’s 2012. This calendar readjusted for circular clock and calendar usage is now called the MAYAN calendar which is short for Minor Adjustment for Years ANno domini. A pretty stupid acronym, but it gets the point across.

More interestingly, a lot of people wonder where the Egyptians went. If you look throughout Central America, you see no trace of what might have happened to them. The famous Greek philosopher Plato might have an answer though. Plato spoke of an ancient, super-advanced civilization that went missing. From that small snippet of information, we can probably merely speculate and then with great certainty conclude that the Egyptians left their Central American location to move to the sinking continent of Atlantis to go commit suicide because their evil pagan religion told them to do so. I think if you can get one historian drunk enough to agree to that, then it has passed the peer review stage. But unfortunately, we can only be certain of this fact without it being accepted by the mainstream. But at least it’s good enough for the History Channel!

If you liked this sample chapter, you should consider getting a copy of the book. It’s only $12 and makes an excellent gift for a historian with a sense of humor or for a joyless historian that you want to irritate.

What will you find Under the Kilt?

Romance writer Kilt Kilpatrick recently released a new volume of his stories, Under the Kilt. But readers may wonder, just what is under the kilt, anyway? The answer is a number of things, including but not limited to:

-Another kilt.

-Sexy times.

-A land lost in time and inhabited by dinosaurs.

-All the hidden evidence proving Jesus existed.

-Something that seems commonplace, but is in fact a much more complex metaphor.

-An excellent bargain for only 4.99!

-That ship that went missing from the Philadelphia Experiment.

-Some intense qualia.

-An unreleased David Lynch movie–the only one not made to be intentionally confusing.

-A hot threeway between you, your imagination and your primal urges. And some threeways with sexy dudes and sexy ladies.

-The missing Whitehouse tapes from the Nixon years.

-Over a dozen deleted scenes which were subsequently undeleted and published.

-Delicious homemade cookies.

-Steampunk so steamy it’ll make your leather googles fog up and make the cogs on your dirigible hot to the touch.

Hall of Whimsy: LeVar Burton

Here are some things you should know about the only actor worth following on Twitter.

You can also follow CSDP on Twitter. You know, if you’re not busy or anything.

Review: My Little Pony

Recently my daughter Eve has agreed to allow me to visit my grand-daughter Hope again under the condition that I never again let her get drunk on my whiskey. Since I’m currently out of whiskey, I agreed to this restriction. Something I’ve noticed about 7-year-old girls is that they don’t like the same shows I like. I tried watching Dexter and Mad Men with her, but she just started crying. In the end we watched what she wanted to watch, which is why I’m reviewing My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic instead of the white-supremacist fantasy film, Thor.

The first thing that caught my attention in MLP: FIM is the inaccuracies. For one thing, ponies do not have wings, horns or pet dragons. And only rarely do ponies actually have the power of human speech. When they do, it’s usually just to command you to murder your family. Fuck you pony, you’re not the boss of me. I’ll kill who I want, when I want.

In addition to being far more pastel than real ponies, they seem to be shaped differently. I have 57 ponies in my backyard and as you can see, my ponies don’t have the same body type:

In real life, you can see the ribs protruding outward like a xylophone and the skull should be exposed and the pony motionless with various scavengers consuming its flesh. This show may very well be promoting pony obesity. And all of these ponies are tattooed on their backsides like a bunch of tramps. What kind of message is this sending to the ponies at home? To go out and sleep with all the mustangs and then blame it on the Everclear while they slink away to the Pony Abortion Clinic to go get another one sucked out?

This show is very disturbing. It appears to be teaching ponies to become witches and cavort about in the nude giving animal sacrifices to the dark lord Loth-nor. You may have noticed that the subtitle of this show is “Friendship is Magic,” well I can tell you that that I immediately forbid my granddaughter from having any of these types of pagan relationships. When Eve came to pick her up, she was really mad because Hope kept crying. I don’t understand why, Eve was constantly crying around me when she was little, what’s the big deal? I give My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic a rating of 4 Out of 9 Immoral Obese Ponies.

Hall of Whimsy: Predictions That Will Never Happen

For the past 2,000 years (give or take a few centuries), the religious have been foretelling our doom. The satisfying snapping of the bone and sinew of the unbelievers coupled with the tortured screams of pagan children has been the wet dream of Christians like Harold Camping for quite some time.

But for whatever reason, the religious have a really hard time accurately predicting when this would happen.

Montanus predicted it in the 5th century.

That Methodist dude said it would happen in 1794.

The Millerite’s predicted it so many times they made a whole religion out of it called the 7th Day Apocalypsists.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses say it’ll happen every week or so.

Predictions come, predictions fail. It happens so often, and with such disappointing results I’m convinced it’ll never happen. Not in a million, billion years. Never ever.

On an unrelated note, Duke Nukem Forever was released today.

Hall of Whimsy: Roald Dahl Was a Troll

We all have a similar story I’m sure. At some point in elementary school a teacher suggested we read Matilda. Or James and the Giant Peach. For me it was the BFG. Inevitably, after reading it we would have a moment of realization and the kid equivalent of “WTF? Reading is fun?” Because of this, we all have a level of nostalgia about the man that makes it hard to process things like this.

I’d heard that he was abused as a kid. And that he was a spy. And one could easily chalk up his behavior to being a response to the things he experienced.

But the more I find out, the more I think Roald Dahl was not this complicated, tortured figure. In modern parlance, he did it for the lulz.

It’s really the only way to explain him constantly antagonizing his publishers, librarians and the Nintendo fanboy forums. In retrospect, I don’t know what else accounts for his role in Anonymous’ hacktivism and the constant links to goatse he would post in Youtube comments.

Should we really let kids read material written by 4Chan member?

Review: Short Circuit

So I went to go see the movie Short Circuit with my friend PJ Nickels in a theatre that only shows 80s films. Oh boy was I ill-impressed!

I expected the movie to be a romantic comedy about engineers educating you on how to avoid short circuits in your PC mother boards. But instead, it was a romantic comedy about typical romantic comedy stuff like loveable robots that have to be disassembled.

I also learned from this movie that Indians are originally from Pittsburg before they move to Bakersfield.

Other than these interesting facts, this movie was shitty. Yes, I know that living in Oregon makes you either a hippie or a redneck. Yes, I know that military contractors are always wanting to blow things up and never ask questions. And yes, I know Jews are responsible for all the wars and robot genocides in the world.

If there is one thing I did learn from this movie is that I may not be alive. Perhaps I only run reviewing! I give this movie a rating of 4 out of 10 Failed Turing Tests.

Do you like websites with birds on them? We do.