Fuck you, Peter Singer! #6

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,
As a blood sucking member of society I enjoyed a life of being a tick on the back of society. There I was living an excellent life of hedonism until my brother brought me a couple of books espousing your philosophy. Now I had to fucking wake up and see that the needs of the many outweigh my fucking ass. Thanks a lot dickhead. Now I’m gonna hang myself. Toodles!

-Suicidal in San Diego

Dear Peter Singer,
At first I thought I’d like you since you tell people in wealthy USA and Europe to give over their money to people who are worse off, like me in Somalia. However, it turns out that this didn’t work out too well because after people set out to help me, the people in my village who had read your book then robbed me for the greater good. I’m back to the level of poverty I was at earlier, but now I know what I am missing. Fuck you Peter Singer.

-Surly in Somalia

Dear Peter Singer,
Before I read your philosophy, I was a stupid Ayn Randian. Sure, the bitch was stupid, but I find that your philosophy is way stupider. I fucking gave up everything, EVERYTHING for utilitarianism. I went out of my way busting my ass for the poor. I always helped them and they were never thankful. After a while I became disillusioned and now I am a nihilist! All, I do anymore is bother the fuck out of school children telling them that life is meaningless and they should end it all! That’s what your philosophy does to people. No, that’s what YOU do to people. I hope you’re living it up with billion dollar lectures, ass!

-Angry in Allentown

Fuck you, Peter Singer #5

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,

I recently made the mistake of reading your book, The Life You Save, the day before I hosted an orgy at my house. Normally my orgies are well-received, but this time I was trying to be moral with it. I took people who looked like they might not get enough pleasure from the experience and took them out of the orgy mid-coitus and made them sit in the corner. Logically (according to you) that would ensure that the orgasm of the many would succeed at the cost of the orgasm of a few. Turned out it was a net loss for eroticism and I’m now banned from the fornicators guild. I’m never hosting a utilitarian sex party again!

-Sexy in Sacramento

Fuck You, Peter Singer! #3-4

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,
How dare you call yourself a moral philosopher, you shit for brains! My husband followed your advice to the letter, he did everything in the name of your thoughtless diatribes. Now he’s in jail for infanticide. Yes, infanti-fucking-cide. He killed our down syndrome baby in order to keep it from living a life of pain and inability. Well, guess what, fuck head, things aren’t so peaches and cream for us! Now he’s in jail and I’m struggling to keep my job, which is prostitution, and my pimp is gonna beat the living shit out of me. I hope you there is a special place in Hell for you Utilitarians. You want welfare for all, but all you do is create a life of fucking Hell.

-Miserable in Montana

We can’t respond to this criticism since we aren’t Peter Singer.

Dear Peter Singer,
Your moral statements are bullshit. You tell everyone that it’s morally permissible to kill the mentally handicapped, but for SOME REASON, every time I helpfully slit the throat of someone sitting next to me on the bus on the basis that they might be mentally handicapped, I’m hauled off to jail and given a lecture about how it’s in fact immoral and those people weren’t even mentally handicapped. Maybe you should put some more thought into your positions. Just my two cents.

-Slitting in Salem

Fuck You, Peter Singer! #2

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,
I became convinced that animals deserved rights after I read your book, Animal Liberation. I spent all my money suing the U.S. government to give my dog JimmyWhimmy full human-level rights. I finally did win–and I was ecstatic–but then JimmyWhimmy turned out to be stupid. He misused his right to vote and registered as a Libertarian. If dogs are just gonna throw their votes away, what’s the fucking point of me going into poverty to give them rights? Go die in a pit, Singer.

-Vegan in Vermont

Fuck You, Peter Singer

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,

Thanks a lot, you bastard! I took your advice at helping people’s whose needs outweighed mine and gave some poor bastards my house, my car, and my job. Now they’re still bastards and rich bastards at that. They’re always driving up and down the road with my Lexus, using my unlimited gas card, and throwing rocks at me, my wife, and my kids. They’ll actually stop by my cardboard box home and shit on it and piss on it laughing maniacally. I bet you’re stupid ass philosophy didn’t see that one coming, you fuck.

-Homeless in Houston

Podcast #16 is up!

In this episode…

-Explain THAT Science!: Harry Trunckles attacks geology.

-The Unofficial Version: Conspiracy theorist Nicola Novakowsky talks about the Denver Airport.

-Final Solutions: Michelle Glasshappy gives you tips for living luxuriously.

-Cogito Ergo I Am Right!: Penny Ham tells Utilitarianism to fuck off.

Download here!

You probably already like this podcast. And you’ve probably already subscribed. I know, pretty redundant of me to acknowledge those facts in written form.

Cogito ergo I am right! #1: Utilitarianism

By Amateur Philosopher Penny Ham

Let me tell you about an ethical theory that seems dumb to me. The name of this stupid ethical theory is utilitarianism. Utilitarianism has its origins in thinkers like Jeremy Bentham and John Stewart Mill. It’s usually some form of do x because x is for the greatest good for the greatest amount of people. Good usually boils down to some kind of pleasure. But to me that’s just stupid. I don’t care about some stupid pleasure. The main problem with utilitarianism is that it doesn’t tell me what can get me the greatest amount of money. I’m not led by simple pleasures. I’m not led by anything of that sort. I’m led by pure unadulterated greed. Yes, greed for wealth. You might think my greed only leads to some amount of pleasure. But you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. I just have pure greed-drive and nothing more.

I’ve heard the main problem with utilitarianism is that you become responsible for consequences far off into the future that you couldn’t have predicted. That’s not a real problem with utilitarianism. The real bloody problem with utilitarianism is that it is the exact kind of ethical theory that would make me think twice about punching that guy in the face who annoys me at work.

I have to ask, what on Earth motivates anyone to even think about what good they can do for the greatest number? Reality proves time and time again that the greatest number should clearly be improving themselves and doing what they can for me. Look, the greatest number of people don’t even need to be doing stuff for me but they could just be doing good already. Seriously I get tired of hearing people whine. The quick solution to their problem is that they should all shut up and just be happy. Anyway, that just leads me to thinking about something else new.

What if you find yourself already in the best of all possible worlds? What do you do then? Well, if you’re a utilitarian, then you apply those principles. If you’re not utilitarian, then you don’t. So either way, it just looks like it’s the best of all possible world’s no matter what free will decision you make. Look, a utilitarian would say the best of all possible worlds would be where everyone’s actions wind up being the greatest good for the greatest number. Well, no shit! I’d hope they’d say that, otherwise, they wouldn’t be utilitarian. And a utilitarian-hater like me would say that the best of all possible worlds would be where utilitarians are wrong on everything and know it and then go cry themselves to sleep at night!

Anyway, let me tell you about the greatest contradiction not yet explained away by any utilitarian. Part of the principle of utilitarianism says to do the greatest good. But how can I do the greatest good, when asshole do-gooders are always beating me and doing greater? The utilitarian response is normally: do the greatest that you can do. Oh well, what kind of weak ass utilitarianism is that? I always thought you should do the greatest anyone else could do. If utilitarianism is going to be this anti-competitive, then what’s the point?

I’ll close with this thought. What if 200 years from now, we all look back to find that the greatest amount of bad was produced all by the doctrine of utilitarianism originally espoused by the moral philosopher Jeremy Bentham? Well I certainly wouldn’t hop into my time machine in order to go back in time to kill the bastard. That’s the exact kind of utilitarian thinking Bentham would welcome. Fuck him!

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