How to make a geek’s head explode

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Your life would be better if you owned a copy of our book, Unbelievable History.

Re: Cajunnaise

cajun
Dear J&D’s Foods,

I am writing today to voice my dissatisfaction with your product. While your “cajunnaise” is in fact delicious, it did not perform as advertised. Specifically, the promise that your product would be “like Mardis Gras in your mouth.” Sirs, I do not know if you have ever conducted an affair of such magnitude in someone’s orifice, but I assure you that your condiment does not compare.

Not only is cajunnaise devoid of alcohol and obnoxious drunk people, but consuming it did not fill my mouth with thousands of cheap beads. Nor did it leave me feeling creeped out as there were no videographers filming the girls going wild in my mouth.
Please do better.

Don’t Live Each Day Like It’s Your Last(POSTED)

Enjoying the sun

The various self-help gurus of the world are always advising people to live each day like it’s the last one they have. This is horrible advice because:

-You could end up making amends with former friends who you’ve wronged. Look, those guys were assholes anyway, now they’re gonna want to drink with you, throw you parties and help you move your stuff into your apartment. And give you obnoxiously sound advice. Fuck that!

-It is very tricky to squeeze all those malignant tumors into your organs without proper medical training.

-This approach might work for you if you live on Gamma 7 in the Cygnus star cluster, since their last day of life is spent in perpetual bliss.

-Another inconvenient fact about this approach is that the funeral directors and crematasiums don’t appreciate all the false alarms when you tell them you’ll be decomposing in a few days.

-This is really bad if you run a cult since you have to wait until the blood god Loth-nor is fully appeased before committing seppuku.

-The worst part is having to do awkward confessions of past offenses and have everyone get all pissed because of all the affairs and murders.

-Breaking into a federal prison and demanding a last meal is kind of difficult.

-You might choose to live your last day on Earth paying your bills, eating boring food and having a lackluster conversation with a coworker you don’t like. If that’s how you would spend your last day, this approach may disappoint you greatly.

-Taking the advice too literally and planning for an interstellar voyage will bankrupt you after you buy so many spacesuits and astronaut meal rations.

-Your spouse will always be pissed at you for all the suicide notes you’ll leave around the house.

If it were my last day on Earth, I’d make sure to add the CSDP RSS feed to my Feedly account.

Fuck you, Peter Singer! #6

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,
As a blood sucking member of society I enjoyed a life of being a tick on the back of society. There I was living an excellent life of hedonism until my brother brought me a couple of books espousing your philosophy. Now I had to fucking wake up and see that the needs of the many outweigh my fucking ass. Thanks a lot dickhead. Now I’m gonna hang myself. Toodles!

-Suicidal in San Diego

Dear Peter Singer,
At first I thought I’d like you since you tell people in wealthy USA and Europe to give over their money to people who are worse off, like me in Somalia. However, it turns out that this didn’t work out too well because after people set out to help me, the people in my village who had read your book then robbed me for the greater good. I’m back to the level of poverty I was at earlier, but now I know what I am missing. Fuck you Peter Singer.

-Surly in Somalia

Dear Peter Singer,
Before I read your philosophy, I was a foolish Ayn Randian. Sure, she was wrong as Hell, but I find that your philosophy is way worse. I fucking gave up everything, EVERYTHING for utilitarianism. I went out of my way busting my ass for the poor. I always helped them and they were never thankful. After a while I became disillusioned and now I am a nihilist! All, I do anymore is bother the fuck out of school children telling them that life is meaningless and they should end it all! That’s what your philosophy does to people. No, that’s what YOU do to people. I hope you’re living it up with billion dollar lectures, ass!

-Angry in Allentown

Unbelievable History: Charles Darwin

By Peter Bristles, Patriotorian

British naturalist Charles Darwin was the twin brother of Abraham Lincoln. This led some people to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions regarding the legitimacy of Lincoln’s Presidency. These people have been removed from the gene pool by Darwinists. Darwin was famous for proposing the modern theory of evolution which states that nothingness created two rocks that smacked together to create your monkey grandma, who magically gave birth to your human mom.

After attending divinity school in order to mock God, Darwin was enlisted to join the second voyage of the HMS Beagle to study nature. He wrote about how he was seasick constantly in his journals, but this is betrayed by his confession to his wife that he really just enjoyed vomiting constantly and would induce it for fun. This is believed to be the root of his nickname, “Ol’ Chucky Vomitpants.”

Once the ship reached the Galapagos archipelago, Darwin observed that certain species of finch had differently shaped beaks. He also observed that they tasted vastly different. There were also Galapagos Island iguanas that tasted remarkably better than their mainland counterparts. There were also varied species of giant tortoises that went quite good in soup. This led to his landmark theory of “Survival of the Tastiest.”

Aboard the HMS Beagle, he came to a disagreement with the Captain Robert FitzRoy while the Captain was showing off his slaves. Modern scientohistorians like to play up how Darwin was opposed to slavery and how he would argue that slavery was evil. Really though, Darwin wasn’t opposed to the notion of slavery. He just didn’t like FitzRoy’s slaves, which he felt were not as shiny and top-of-the-line as his own collection.

When Darwin proposed his theory of evolution, he was laughed at by the Royal Society of England–not because he was thought to be wrong, but because (without his knowledge) his penis was sticking out of his pants, hard and stiff. This was really funny until a consensus was reached that it was annoying to be constantly whacked in the head with Darwin’s oblivious hard-on. Many people ran in fear when Darwin began to speak about the more essential aspects of his theory, as he would become so excited that his penis would throb until it spermed out majestically.

Jean-Baptiste Lamarck provided an alternative theory of evolution. He could do this because his ancestors would practice debating Darwin’s ancestors. Each successive generation carried on its Darwin-debating skills. Modern creationists are not believers in Lamarck’s theory either, but it is true that they are all descended from the best Darwin-debaters.

Some prominent secular historians (the ones who don’t tell HIS-story), believe that Darwin not only came up with the theory of evolution, but that he was able to demonstrate evolution live on-stage. These live performances of evolution were mere trickery though. Darwin would start by cramming five chimpanzees into a hat, putting the hat in a coffin, poking all kinds of swords through the coffin, and out would come a rational, God-fearing human. What nonsense! That just proves that Darwin was a good magician, not a good scientist.

A lot of historians want you to believe in Darwin’s alleged contemporary, Alfred Russel Wallace, who supposedly formulated the theory of evolution independently. Little is known about “Wallace” except that his handwriting and style of writing appears to be identical to Darwin’s. It makes sense that Darwin would fabricate Wallace’s existence in order to perpetuate the lie that evolution was independently discovered by two people instead of one. That way it would give the lie more credibility.

Evolutionary theory was a point of contention between Darwin and his wife, Emma, who believed in God like any good and moral person. He would talk about his observations about the natural world and she would talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Creator of the Universe. This kind of disagreement could have led an ungodly woman to a divorce, but she was a good woman and was subservient to her husband, no matter how satanic he was.

Many people know that Darwin was a proto-Nazi (just turn to the first chapter in On the Origins of Species entitled “The Final Solution”), but what they didn’t know was that Darwin would spend his time plotting about how to stop and silence creationist Ben Stein years before Stein was even a twinkle in his father’s eye. Not to mention that Darwin–getting his advice from Lord Satan–knew that he needed to change the way that universities taught so that they could, in 150 years time, silence Intelligent Design theorists.

Many claim that Darwin did not advocate eugenics or Social Darwinism–that it was actually Herbert Spencer and some others who advocated eugenics. But how do you explain the book that non-secular historians recently unearthed, entitled How To Kill Off The Weak And Mentally Inhibited by Charles Darwin? Sure, if you carbon-dated the book it would appear only to be three years old–not old enough to have been written by Darwin. But that just proves that carbon dating is unreliable!

A lot of people are knowledgeably aware of Darwin’s famous death bed recantation of evolution. What they are unaware of though, is all his other recantations. He recanted most appropriately the atomic theory of matter, Mendelian genetics (even though he had absolutely no knowledge of such a genetics…weird), special theory of relativity (everyone knew that one was false), and supply side economics. He is most famous for recanting the mother and father theory. The mother and father theory states that everyone had a mother and a father. What rubbish!

In modern academia, the theory of evolution has been refined and well-understood. It is taught to millions and is the foundation of our understanding of biology. Just about every field of science reinforces the claims of evolutionists, as well as a mountain of fossil evidence. But were you aware that the famous Piltdown Man fossil was in fact a hoax? I now declare the entire theory void!

Unbelievable Fact! Naturalist T.H. Huxley was a groupie of Darwin’s, and sexed him up constantly. He had such Darwin-lust that he earned the nickname, “Darwin’s Constantly-in-Heat Pitbull.” If you read any of his books you can still see the stains where he spermed out onto the page.

Stop misleading our schoolchildren! Make sure your kid’s school is using Unbelievable History as it’s science textbook.