Aries (Mar. 21-Apr.19)
Perhaps religion is a good idea for you. What? You already have a religion? Well see; I said it was a good idea.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May. 20)
Your unrealistic goal of saving yourself for marriage will come to a halt when you finally meet the dead decaying corpse of Joseph Stalin.
Gemini (May. 21-Jun. 21)
The fact that you have no knowledge of the science or ethics of human cloning, somehow will not stop you from producing 50 new Burt Reynolds’.
Cancer (Jun. 22-Jul. 22)
Sure, you may be a hard-boiled, tough-as-nails private detective. But that doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to be boiled or hammered into things. It’s just too literal my friend.
Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)
Forget your preconceived notions when you go diving next Wednesday and remember: Sponges may seem harmless enough, but that’s just because no one’s ever managed to piss them off enough yet.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
Your death will come as quite a shock next Tuesday, but not nearly as shocking as it will be to the rest of the world who have no idea why every Virgo died at the same time.
Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 23)
Your goal to become the world’s greatest folk singer will be slightly impaired by your lack of hands, but greatly impaired by your lack of having a tongue.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You will be thrown out of the fancy restaurant next week after you surprise and horrify the waiter by attempting to pay for your meal entirely with the severed fingers of U.S. Senators.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Having an epic rap-battle in front of everyone next Wednesday may seem like a fantastic idea, but your street cred will begin to drop when they realize you’re just quoting Shel Silverstein.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
All that money you’ve given to Greenpeace to fight against whaling will seem like a bad idea later this week, when you are mugged in a dark alley by a no-goodnik minke whale.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The preparations you made for the zombie apocalypse will be thrown to the wind when you see the most handsome corpse meandering toward you. True love only comes by so often, and you can be rest assured he is very interested in your brain and not just sex.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Though you’ve been retired from the treasure hunting racket for several decades, tomorrow night you’ll hear a knock on the door and when you answer it it’ll be that boulder that chased you out of that temple. It’ll be a bit older now but no less angry. You should probably just give the relic back.
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