Precision Horoscopes #3

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr.19)

Aries, the ascension of Saturn will bring money your way. I would recommend keeping a low profile, but good for you! The stars said you’ve been trying really hard to get the hang of bank robbing.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May. 20)

Boy, will your face be red when you give your mom a copy of the book Brave New Whore-ld, which is actually about a dystopian society of fornicators. Should have known though, I mean the author was Aldous Sexley.

Gemini (May. 21-Jun. 21)

Your friends and family are always saying that what stands out about you the most is your optimism. But really it’s the glow-in-the-dark skin parasites.

Cancer (Jun. 22-Jul. 22)

Mercury going into retrograde will make your job in the marketing department easier when you realize you shouldn’t say “only 5 easy payments” but instead say “you get as many as 5 fun size payments.”

Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)

You’ll notice that if you observe the moon tonight, it will be waning!  How do I know that?  I’m an astrologer!  Jeez…I better at least know some true facts.  Otherwise you’d begin to wonder if I’m just full of shit.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)

People have always been telling you, “Hey buddy, I wouldn’t try to mix those African and European honeybees if I were you.”  They wont be saying that anymore, mostly cause their mouths will be swollen shut from thousands of stings.

Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 23)

You have been a seaman on 17 boats so far, and every single time you have tried and failed to stage a mutiny. Don’t you think its time to join Keelhaulics Anonymous?

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

Adoption is a very noble thing to pursue, but you will certainly have second thoughts after the lovely child you take into your life starts to eat your wife’s organs and speaking backwards in a deep and ominous voice.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

All those plans to open up a vegetarian restaurant are quite ill-conceived. It might work except for the glaring fact that you’re a lion, and wouldn’t have much luck getting a small business loan. Also, no one in your community of large predators would go for it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Love comes your way due to the equinox of Nemesis.  This classy gent will suit you just fine. It’s like you always say, “I like my men the way I like my threats: empty and laced with profanity.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Solve for x to know how many days you have to live in the following problem:  x^2 – 4x + 4 = 0.  I hope you know how to factor!

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)

Your bitter opinion of War with Iraq will change when you are visited by the ghosts of War-with-Iraq past, the ghost of War-with-Iraq present and and the ghost of War-with-Iraq future.

Medical trouble for you this week as you are diagnosed with a bad case of brain scabies.

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