Aries (Mar. 21-Apr.19)
True as it was, the court won’t believe you when you tell them that running over all 15 toddlers was accidental.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May. 20)
Medical trouble for you this week as you are diagnosed with a bad case of brain scabies.
Gemini (May. 21-Jun. 21)
You’ll likely experience 8 hours of unconsciousness tonight. You’ll come out of this unconsciousness and likely feel hungry enough to eat something.
Cancer (Jun. 22-Jul. 22)
You should change your name to Don Twitter, for no one else can harness the full erotic potential of 140 characters.
Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)
Getting the hang of cladistics is hard. Due to Mercury’s extra retrograde, your theory that Jerks should be a clade as they all stem from a common-jerk ancestor will be rejected by the cladistic community. Cheer up though, these cladists are proving you correct.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
I’d warn you about the impending doom that will strike you tonight but then that would mean the impending doom would strike me. So obviously I must err for me.
Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 23)
The stars say that you are wrong, and that the best Sandra Bullock movie is the one where she’s in the desert and has to fight Tina Turner and a guy with a midget on his head.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Your attempt to enjoy a nice beer and celebrate the fall will be ruined next Friday when you realize that you’re actually at Octbroberfest.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle would have been amazed by your discovery that the Earth is indeed a massive sea urchin filled with protoplasm. He probably wouldn’t be impressed that you started eating it though.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
We all know that the Singularity is near, but in your case it’s right behind you!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Because of the Equinox of Asia Minor, you will write the world’s best mismatched buddy cop movie about a murder in space. The hard-boiled astronaut has to work with a loose-cannon cosmosnaut played by Chris Rock.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
404 PREDICTION NOT FOUND
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