- Aries (Mar. 21-Apr.19)
The stars think it might be a good idea to fact-check the biography about Hellen Keller you are writing. You know, the one about how she managed to excell despite being deaf, blind and a werewolf.
- Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th)
Luck comes your way this week. Four leaf clovers are ok for luck but as you will soon discover, the hardcore luck is in Glow-in-the-dark clovers. Any leaf number.
- Gemini (May. 21-Jun. 21)
The initial awkwardness of your first online date will be intense. Just remember: meeting someone from a dating website is a bit like being introduced by a friend. If the friend is an omnipresent, omniscient porn machine.
- Cancer (Jun. 22-Jul. 22)
A change in vocation is in your immediate future after the Church of Scientology opens up a chapter in the neighborhood. Try as you might, but they are too big for a simple Mom and Pop cult to compete with.
- Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)
Financial success comes your way on Tuesday when you invent a Venetian Fence for folks who want privacy in their yard but not all the time.
- Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
Your directorial debut will meet with lackluster response when you film Jurassic Park 4 and insist on including a scene in which Dr. Grant spends an hour pleading for a research fund.
- Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 23)
The ascent of the Andromeda galaxy indicates that you will lose an argument about dolphins. The most humans have in common with the cetaceans are not big, wrinkly brains as you thought, but rather the fact that both species look cool with tattoos.
- Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Your desire to ride a zebra will be more easily satiated by simply painting some stripes on a horse.
- Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
True love will hit you like lightning this week, insofar as you wil be hit by true love at the speed of light with millions of volts of electricity flowing through you and temperatures exceeding the temperature of the surface of the sun. Actually, maybe it’s not true love but just regular lightning. Never mind, false alarm.
- Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Next Friday’s date will bring your issues regarding sex and shame to the surface. The stars wanted to remind you that since you are both consenting adults, you should let yourself enjoy consenting the hell out of each other.
- Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your career as a zoologist will come into conflict with your marriage when you insist on attributing all of your husband’s behavior to his desire to be the alpha male in the troop. He won’t however, mind your insistence on filming his mating habits.
- Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
All the other paleontologists will be embarassed to be included in the same paper after you insist on naming the newly discovered dinosaurs: Crappasaurus jerk and Suckadon gaylordicus.
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