Aries (Mar. 21-Apr.19)
When teaching your children how to thumb wrestle, you will forget that the game does not begin with the phrase “One, two, three, four, I declare fist war!” And your attorney will be powerless to help you.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May. 20)
Your gung-ho attitude toward censorship will be revealed for what it really is next week, when you are caught masturbating to a magazine full of black bars.
Gemini (May. 21-Jun. 21)
When you attend the church dinner on Thursday, it will behoove you to remember that it is considered rude to bring your own deity.
Cancer (Jun. 22-Jul. 22)
Your upcoming 30th birthday will be ruined when every person you promised to marry when you turned 30 decides to cash-in all at the same time.
Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)
The stars wanted to tell you that your friend is not suicidal, but rather has a phobia of hemophobes.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
Being unemployed sucks, but seriously:have you even applied for that wizard iternship yet? Show some ambition dammit.
Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 23)
It would be in your best interests to stop calling whales the ‘gentle giants of the deep’. Did you even once think about all the dead krill at the fins of these genocidal fucks?
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Due to the ascent of Neptune, your doctor will discover that you have a massive tumor. Its big, and hairy and has teeth in it. Did I say tumor? I meant cat.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your life-long dream of owning your own pet shop will crash and burn shortly after fruition, when you make the mistake of hiring Edwin Schrodinger as a clerk.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The stars predict great terror in your future when you meet Stan, the local beekeeper. Beekeepers. Holy fuck, beekeepers. These fuckers scare the ever living fuck out of me. These guys are badasses. They just walk right up to mother fuckin’ bees.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This Tuesday, you will get the nicknames, “Horsepecker,” “Penis McLong” and “Phallus Giganticus.” This surely would be good news, if only you were a man.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You will drown in sorrow next Friday as your website on proper English is devastated by grammatical e-terrorists.
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