Future Facts: Vampires


The Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer is extremely popular in your time. The blockbuster success of this teenage vampire franchise has been such that in order for anyone to compete with it, they must also have vampires involved in whatever good or service is being provided. If you need proof that this is the way your culture is trending, then know this: There are at least two different, independently written vampire Pride and Prejudice novels. Who knows how far this will go? I do. Cause I’m a time traveler.

Does this mean that everyone is a devil worshiper in the future? No, but religion did change in time. Here’s a quote from the New International Version of the Unholy Bible:

“Drink this for it is my blood” says Jesus. “For it is the path to eternal life.”

Not too much difference, right? Oh yeah, I guess it should be mentioned that the Red Cross is now a larger religious group than the Catholic Church.

A poster from the Red Cross' conversion campaign.

These changes even reach into the government. Before the collapse of the US government in 2010, terminology had been changed around quite a bit to accomodate the growing demand of their constituents to adopt a pro-undead stance, the two leading parties; the Demoncrats and the Suck-your-blood-icans, agreed that any new law proposed by the House of Wraiths be called a “Blood Contract” and be prayed over by Loth-nor the dark lord of legal proceeding. Perhaps more wide reaching, if subtle, is the dress code that all politicians be extra sparkly when in session.

Civil rights has evolved due to Stephanie Meyer as well. You foolish primitives used to oppress those who donned fangs and owned the night. Thanks to Stephanie Meyer, these people gained courage and ate the hearts of their enemies which gave them even more courage. In my time period, teenagers eviscerating their non-understanding parents is held in the same esteem as Rosa Parks not getting off the bus.

One right that had to be protected for vampires was the necessary behavior of dissolving into rats that scurry away. This seems like an obvious right, but many people during my time still think that the famous case of Alabama vs Anne Rice is giving way too many rights to vampires. Other obvious rights that any good civilization would lend to its vampires would be the right to blood. This blood would usually have to be redistributed from those who had too much to those who had the need for it.

Vampires aren’t sucking blood alone in the future, as that is nutritionally unsound. Obviously. We expanded our goth palate to include all four essential humors of blood, tequila, black bile and yellow bile. I never eat Chinese food without yellow bile, let me tell ya. But blood is still central to our culture. Just as some of you might say grace before dinner, we traditionally sprinkle some of our blood onto the meal to say thanks. If anyone came to my house and didn’t slit their wrists over my mashed potatoes, I would be horribly offended.

But who started all of this? It turns out it was none other than Bram Stoker.

The Head Vampire, Bram Stoker.

Our historical records on this man in the future are pretty meager, but near as we can tell, he was psychic, a hemaphiliac, and had a disorder that caused him to sparkle incessantly. His friends would tell him, “Damn it Stoker, would you stop fucking sparkling for one minute?!” He never did. For this he was burned at the stake while a smaller stake was impaled through his heart and was also set on fire. All that remains is his masterpiece, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.

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2 thoughts on “Future Facts: Vampires

  1. Twilight is like the most girly vampire movie I’d ever seen. The vampires can’t go into bright daylight because they “sparkle like diamonds”, only a woman can come up with that idea. Haha, just kidding. One of the vampire girls, Alice, the actress that plays her is pretty hot.

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