Aries (Mar. 21-Apr.19)
Due to the retrograde of Pluto, your math-based Beatles cover band will be a rousing success, going platinum with your debut album, Abacus Road.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May. 20)
You keep reading all of those food politics books, but you will soon realize once you are stranded in the mountains that the omnivore’s real dilemma is more akin to “Awww! My food keeps running away!”
Gemini (May. 21-Jun. 21)
Harper Collins unfortunately will reject your novel explaining that “It would be an excellent book if it wasn’t for all those words you put in it.”
Cancer (Jun. 22-Jul. 22)
An accident with a coworker this weekend will show you true love. True love doesn’t need things like atmosphere, gravity, or pressurized environment suits. True love is all about being abruptly naked in space due to an airlock breach.
Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)
You might tell your lover, love is all you need. Talk is cheap though. Show him/her that you mean it by quickly depleting all of the planet’s natural resources. Once the planet is completely barren and unable to produce life, he or she will know your love is true.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
Venus is in the house of Jupiter this week, which means your sequel to Flipper the Dolphin will be less successful as parents shield their children from the antics of his cousin Fister.
Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 23)
Your lifelong dream comes true when the famous scientist you idolize takes you to their lab and conducts extensive sexperiments on you.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Romance prevails next Tuesday when your lover proposes, promising to eventually “Suck the marrow from your bones.”
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The stars say that even though you are a giant, glowing head in a jar, you might want to rethink the wisdom of your battle strategies. If the Megazord is really as advanced as you say, it should be safer to operate it via remote control.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your attempt to emulate Kevin Trudeau will fail when no one publishes your book: Sex Positions THEY Don’t Want You To Know About.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Due to a typo at the print shop, everyone at the funeral you are protesting will think that God Hates Frogs.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Your life-long dream of attaining world peace will finally be realized when you accidentally eliminate all forms of life on the planet.
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