Aries (Mar. 21-Apr.19)
Your love life will run into trouble when an accident causes you to lose all of the characteristics that separate humans from smoking piles of ashes.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May. 20)
The next time you overthrow a government, make sure to bring a map because it’s very embarrassing to overthrow your own regime by accident isn’t it?
Gemini (May. 21-Jun. 21)
Your body and mind will be eaten away by alcohol. Tough break huh? That’s the kind of bad news that can drive a man to the bottle.
Cancer (Jun. 22-Jul. 22)
After your plan has been foiled you will become even more distressed when you find that the warranty on your Evil Planet-Destroying Deathray XG-7000 has expired.
Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)
Your asshole co-workers will get their just deserts. That’s right. After you piss in the coffee machine at work your revenge will be satisfied.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
For God’s sake, don’t drink the coffee at work! Your indecisiveness causes your friends to hate you. Screw ’em. You can make new friends.
Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 23)
After losing your job, your lover will leave you as well. Just like your employer, he will cite the tentacles as the primary reason.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Today the stars send you the same message that they always do: Mind-shattering static.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week your cancer makes an ‘X’ shape. Next week your cancer makes an ‘0’ shape. It appears that your cancer is playing a deadly game of tic-tac-toe.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
A lot of people feel alienated by this technological society as a result of their ignorance. But even though you aren’t a luddite, you will feel alienated after your iPhone tries to kill you and your family.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Saturn is in full ascent this month while Jupiter has moved into its equinox, lending energy to every goddamned Aquarius–except for you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Pisces really wanted to give you a horoscope but she says that you and her should really just be friends. She thinks it is best if you both predict other people.
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