Future Facts: Sex


In the future, where I live, sex is far different than in your time. For one, the size of government is out of control! What does that have to do with sex? It has ruined it by adding layers of bureaucracy. This is one of the few ways in which your time period is better than mine. In your time all you really need is consent, and protection from stds and pregnancy. Here we have to have at least three different consent forms filled out and notarized. Then you will have to go to the doctor and fill out some paperwork and pay some fees to have them remove your genital harnesses. At least the first layer anyway. Then, you go to court. In court you must prove to the judge that you aren’t drunk or emotionally vulnerable so that it won’t be rape. Then you have to be reviewed by a council made up of the elder members of your partner’s group of friends. If they don’t approve, you’re out of luck. If you are given a sex permit by them, you are then allowed to proceed.

Now that you are “cleared for docking,” you must arouse each other using Eroticism Rods. These are like cattle prods, but they get you really turned on. No one is quite sure if these are different from cattle prods, or if we’ve just developed a pavlovian response to being prodded and sexed up after the rule of the last four Presidents. Either way, it’s easier than getting approval from the Agency of Breast Stimulation. Once you are properly aroused, you can now unlock the final layer of your genital harness. Simply get your keys out from the safe, attain a consent form for the insertion of keys, get said form notarized and then wait 2-6 weeks for approval from the Dept of Key Use. Once you have that, and assuming you’re still turned on, feel free to go ahead and insert the keys. It’s gettin’ hot now! And more relaxed too. Spend the next hour or so going over the finer details of written consent to actually turn the keys.

(some more old fashioned types may want their lawyers present for this, but I like to live dangerously!) Once written consent is reached and stipulations agreed to, you can turn your keys. This works like the launching of nuclear weapons. You have to turn your keys at the same time or the harness will immediately alert the police that you are both raping each other and you’ll be arrested and executed. So be careful!

Yes indeed, sex is complicated and tedious in the future. But you guys aren’t perfect either. I mean, what’s the deal with condoms? In my time, if we want to practice safe sex, we just use our Nintendo Wii sex surrogates while we’re miles apart in our germ free containment fields.  Safe sex is way overrated in our time though.  In some ways I can sympathize with your primitive style of protective sex. Back when I was in high school, sex education centered around the idea of using electrified body condoms to insure ultimate electrical stimulation and protection for the time.

Despite the fact that the bureaucracy of sex is now so complicated in the hands of the legislatures, we’ve managed to develop newer and better technologies in the art of reproduction. If you’re just wanting a kid and you don’t want a bureaucrat to get between you and your loved one, you can just teleport your gametes from the male to the female (the old fashioned way) or both you and your partner can transport your gametes to the Impregn-o-tron. The Impregn-o-tron is nice because its gestation period is only one month instead of the traditional nine month period.

Although you might marvel at our reproduction technologies, we still have some of your same moral and social issues/problems in regards to reproduction. The Synachurchosque has decreed that at the point when you mentally want a child, you have to go through with it. So the meaning of “life after conception” is a little bit of different in our time than in yours. Thankfully, our first Imam Pope has declared it okay to have sex for hedonistic purposes and other non-reproductive affairs. But once sex is for reproduction, it is to be under the auspices of the Synachurchosque. Luckily, these reproduction rules only apply to religious people and, although theocracies are a lot more popular during our time than during yours, theocracies only exist in virtual reality.

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3 thoughts on “Future Facts: Sex

  1. In the future, where I live, sex is far different than in your time. It has ruined it by adding layers of bureaucracy.

    That’s why I am opposed to Obama care… its a short way from death panels to sex panels.

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