Aries (Mar. 21-Apr.19)
When you go on a tour of the ice cream factory next Wednesday, and you fall into the machine while trying to eat some of the ice cream and are ground into tiny pieces–try to think of the irony of the situation.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May. 20)
Avoid any Leos or Geminis this week who come after you with knives in a dark alley.
Gemini (May. 21-Jun. 21)
We’ve all heard the saying, “Make your hobby your job”, but as you will find out this weekend, this is not a good idea when your hobby happens to be murdering nurses.
Cancer (Jun. 22-Jul. 22)
Though your therapist will argue the matter vehemently that it is unhealthy, you will continue to beat him savagely with a baseball bat without ceasing.
Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)
The stars predict that when you think you achieve enlightenment it turns out that your blood sugar was just kinda low.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
Your attempts to buy a dildo in Alabama will be met with much resistance and it will be more trouble than it’s worth. Just glue some “C” batteries together instead.
Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 23)
The revelation that you’re secret crush feels the same way toward you will leave you decidedly unfazed. Perhaps it is because your neighbor’s bees Africanized themselves this morning and you are paralyzed with pure fear.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Even though you will argue the matter for several weeks with your insurance agent, the fact remains that being converted into pure energy by the Large Hadron Collider is simply not covered.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will experience many new things throughout the next week. For example you probably have never before been pushed from the Chrysler building or paralyzed from the neck down.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
All your friends, family and coworkers continuously brag about you. You know what? They are lying! Kill the bastards!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Next Thursday you will finally realize that your patriotism could be better expressed than by stapling American flags to your spouse’s face, or by shouting obscenities at your children.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Love comes your way at approximately 55 miles per hour and runs you over.
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