Aries (Mar. 21-Apr.19)
According to Aries, you have been negatively influenced by video games. This will be exemplified later today when you eat a green mushroom to get an extra life, and instead die from the neurotoxins.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May. 20)
Confusion is in your future tomorrow as Douglas Adams will come back to life and proceed to write 3 chapters that are intentionally unhelpful in explaining how or why he resurrected.
Gemini (May. 21-Jun. 21)
As a result of a Venusian Corona, your husband teased you for eating too much hummus. But it is you who will be the last one laughing when you successfully form a dip-centric form of government.
Cancer (Jun. 22-Jul. 22)
“Using a condom is like showering in a raincoat” is an excuse you’ve used with the ladies for years, but soon you’ll understand their objections when your shower water turns out to be full of STIs and gets you pregnant.
Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)
First a plague of locusts, then a plague of toads, followed by a pestilence throughout the land, then all of the first born children being killed. Also, you will re-ignite an old romance this week.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
Due to the ascent of Mercury in the house of Sagittarius, you will make a mistake that almost all rookie cloning technicians make when you attempt to build your own David Bowie.
Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 23)
Your astrological energies will increase exponentially as Jupiter hurtles forward on a collision course toward Earth.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Be sure to keep in good spirits this week as you kill your family in their sleep with a pickaxe.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Despite the criticisms you’ve recieved over the years, the stars would like to tell you that your heart isn’t old and crusty! It’s new and gelatinous.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your wish to save your romantic relationship will be granted next week, when a brain injury alters your personality into something less unbearable.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Due to the equinox of the sun, try to avoid your usual routine of throwing bags of cats off bridges into heavy traffic.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Scientists have found that most ants are boring creatures that live only to help each other survive within the delicate balance of nature. None of the ants that are going to burrow their way into your brain this week have those characteristics.
Did you like this article? Please consider subscribing and telling your friends about it.