International Women’s Day 2010

By scientist Dr. Xavier Jones

Today is Intenational Women’s Day.  Many of you living in Americaland might be wondering what this is.  It is something organized by “Women” each year in celebration of their existence on earth.  Before we discuss this, we must ask one simple question:
What are women anyway?

I am far too busy with my research to to any field studies on this or to observe women in the wild, but according to the dictionary, “women” is defined as being “of woman.”  I consulted all of my astronomer friends and they didn’t know where this planet was at all.

Is Lady Gaga a woman? The evidence is unclear. She is reported to have sex, which is clearly a male trait.

The first International Women’s Day was celebrated in 1909, presumably when women first arrived on Earth.  Following the long journey from their home planet, I postulate they would have had to have eaten no less than 50% of all of the men on Earth. Afterwards, it appears there has developed a kind of symbiosis, not unlike the relationship between mitochondria and early cells.

So near as I can tell, International Women’s Day is a way for men to celebrate earth’s conquest, in the same way that loyalists to King George III celebrate the 4th of July each year. A bit masochistic if you ask me.  Now let us ask a few questions about women.

Are women funny?

There haven’t been any scientific studies on whether or not women have the most vaunted of Earthling characteristics, but Christopher Hitchens studied it.  And he’s an atheist.  Since 90% of scientists are atheists, then it must follow that 90% of atheists are scientists.  Therefore Hitchens is a scientist.  Anyway, here is his analysis.

Do women deserve rights?

Many women and some men have said that they do. This is a political question that I have no interest in.  It would get in the way of my research.  Besides, they aren’t even the same species as me. If women were part of my species I’d of course be obligated to help them in every way.  But clearly we aren’t the same.  They don’t even have penises.

Do women find me attractive?

This is an important question, but it borders on being pseudoscience.  At its core it is an untestable hypothesis.  For example, when Rebecca winked at me yesterday and asked me to come with her to the bar, I could make the claim that she was attracted to me.  But we can’t know that. We can’t even prove other minds.  For all I know she could be behaving in a way that seems like she is attracted to me, but is not actually experiencing such an attraction.  And her pouty face that she made when I turned her down could probably be explained as something more mundane like swamp gas.

Anyway, we may never know who or what women are.  But it doesn’t matter anyway, because looking into it wont get me any grant money.

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