Future Facts: World War IV

Look, I’d give you an idea of what WWIII would be like but that’s what I, future historian and world renowned time traveller John Titor, already covered. So let’s talk about the more important future war WWIV.

Einstein once said, “I do not know how WWIII will be fought, but WWIV will be fought with sticks and stones!”

He was right, but even Einstein couldn’t have predicted how advanced stick and stone technology would get. By the year 2045 soldiers have giant twig-based robotic mech suits and powerful stone launching weapons!

WWIV will begin on June 4th, 2044. It will break out when peanut farmers become mad at the government for its ungodly amount of taxes on anything made of peanuts. No one ever thought the peanut farmers would rise up. But they did. They assassinated Archduke President Wilhelm Romney by forcing him to eat a whole bathtub full of tax-papers and peanuts.

The worst battle was certainly when the Irish troops destroyed Paris with their towering wicker mens. Wicker mens had the advantage of being giant and scary looking and burning. The mere sight of a wicker man led many to surrender.

One of the most confusing things about WWIV was the lack of explanation of who was at war with who. It seemed to be a war of nation against man, state against nation, woman against womyn, robot against wooden robot, city states against states chock full of cities, and isolationist nations against non-isolationist nations.

WWIV could’ve been prevented. Many from your time believe that technology represents some kind of evil. They’re absolutely right! By the 2030s, robots were trying to stop humans from having the potential for war by embarking on a quest to disarm all humanity! They were trying to stop us from aggressively attacking each other in the privacy of our own international dispute spaces. Thankfully, all of these robots are now in robot jail.

The worst of the war was when it was over. The world had depleted its source of war trees and so it had ran out of war wood. No more wicker mens could be built. Not to worry though, those trees will grow back. One unfortunate consequence of the war was debt forgiveness, complete reconstruction, a robust economy, and no scapegoats.

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