By hipster historian, Dan von Dan
Hello, let me introduce myself. I’m Dan von Dan—long “a”, as in “on.” Get it right. I was into life alert before your grandma needed a new hip. Let’s just say that after a hard night drinking PBR and recounting bands that have yet to form, that I discovered I need somebody to come and help me up, because I sure as hell am not going to put my effort into it like some common sorority trash.
Anyways, that’s beside the point. I’m better than you and that’s all you need to know. I’d like to welcome you to my publication, The New Hipster Historical Review. Anybody can learn about history, but most of you peasants aren’t nearly qualified to make a judgment one way or the other, much less have an opinion. That’s why I’m here, to help. You’re welcome.
First up, the Stone Age. It might be hip to chuck it all, live in a cave, and sacrifice frogs while sitting around the fire drinking PBR these days, but it’s not too hip to be sacrificing animals when you’re trying to appease Kulahumaka (dot followed by swirly dash line above deer on cave wall), fly god of the hunt. Polytheistic animal deities were cool, you know, before the discovery of fire. Oh, and look at the cave men, cooking their food. Oh, big advancement there. You know, humans already had a solution for that, it was called an appendix. They could have just manned up and ate their food raw. Now we just have a vestigial organ that gets infected, blows up and kills us, all thanks to our Stone Age sellouts.
Speaking of fire, they couldn’t just leave it for its intended use: burning everything down to the ground. No, our ancestors had to trash the art form and find all sorts of practical uses to help “the man.” Tell me, how is warding off predators anything other than giving into society?
Our ancestors couldn’t even keep something like the wheel from going mainstream. Round chunk of rock that did nothing and rolled away if you put it on an incline, completely useless and that’s why it was great. Then some cave dweller with an eye for entrepreneurship comes along, shoves a stick between two wheels and brings the human race one-step closer to NASCAR. Oh, did I mention that these were the same kind of people who thought agriculture was a great idea? Yes, let’s just sit around and stick seeds into the ground—then cause a diffusion of labor and doom humanity to a widening hierarchy between the haves and have nots.
Homo sapiens are cool and all, but I was into upright walking hominids back when they were called Australopithecus afarensis. In closing, the Stone Age was about as hip as your grandmother after she fell out of the bathtub, shattered her pelvis, and couldn’t press the life-alert button because both her arms fell out of their sockets.
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