The New Hipster Historical Review: William Henry Harrison

By hipster historian, Dan von Dan.

Hello again, this is Dan von Dan. Sadly, I imagine that most of you weren’t into history when it was called the present. Anyways, I suppose I shall entertain you pedestrian sellouts with the New Hipster Historical Review. This week we’re discussing William Henry Harrison, America’s hipster President.

First off, man was either a “do it the best” or “not doing it” kind of guy. Says, “screw it,” retires to his farm and refuses to do shit unless he’s made President. That’s the kind of man who doesn’t sell out. He was the oldest President as well, until Americans decided to sell out and start the trend of electing no-talent celebrities.

While some people would walk outside, find it cold and rainy, Harrison shucked mainstream fashionistas and refused to wear even so much as a warm hat, and not just for a dash to the mailbox or to pick up the morning newspaper, no, to give a two hour long speech. A speech in which he regaled his audience, not with his plan for America, but with a scathing critique of Henry Russell as a plebian, immigrant, and euro trash. Not content with a critique of the contemporary music scene, he went into a diatribe about how Germany’s failed 1848 revolution led to the rise of a militant Prussia under the leadership of Bismarck. He was further concerned about how such militarism would affect military alliances in Europe circa the turn of the century.

Harrison was smart and realized that the Presidency used to be cool, but after having been in office for almost a month the White House had really gone downhill. He contemplated continuing his term ironically, but instead decided to die of pneumonia. Harrison died well before it was cool. After that Vice President John Tyler took the Presidency and completely sold out. If Tyler were alive today, he would have been the kind of guy who would listen to Dave Matthew’s Band voluntarily.

John Tyler: Total douchenozzle.

Start following CSDP on Twitter before it becomes mainstream.

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