Your life would be better if you owned a copy of our book, Unbelievable History.
Dear J&D’s Foods,
I am writing today to voice my dissatisfaction with your product. While your “cajunnaise” is in fact delicious, it did not perform as advertised. Specifically, the promise that your product would be “like Mardis Gras in your mouth.” Sirs, I do not know if you have ever conducted an affair of such magnitude in someone’s orifice, but I assure you that your condiment does not compare.
Not only is cajunnaise devoid of alcohol and obnoxious drunk people, but consuming it did not fill my mouth with thousands of cheap beads. Nor did it leave me feeling creeped out as there were no videographers filming the girls going wild in my mouth.
Please do better.
The various self-help gurus of the world are always advising people to live each day like it’s the last one they have. This is horrible advice because:
-You could end up making amends with former friends who you’ve wronged. Look, those guys were assholes anyway, now they’re gonna want to drink with you, throw you parties and help you move your stuff into your apartment. And give you obnoxiously sound advice. Fuck that!
-It is very tricky to squeeze all those malignant tumors into your organs without proper medical training.
-This approach might work for you if you live on Gamma 7 in the Cygnus star cluster, since their last day of life is spent in perpetual bliss.
-Another inconvenient fact about this approach is that the funeral directors and crematasiums don’t appreciate all the false alarms when you tell them you’ll be decomposing in a few days.
-This is really bad if you run a cult since you have to wait until the blood god Loth-nor is fully appeased before committing seppuku.
-The worst part is having to do awkward confessions of past offenses and have everyone get all pissed because of all the affairs and murders.
-Breaking into a federal prison and demanding a last meal is kind of difficult.
-You might choose to live your last day on Earth paying your bills, eating boring food and having a lackluster conversation with a coworker you don’t like. If that’s how you would spend your last day, this approach may disappoint you greatly.
-Taking the advice too literally and planning for an interstellar voyage will bankrupt you after you buy so many spacesuits and astronaut meal rations.
-Your spouse will always be pissed at you for all the suicide notes you’ll leave around the house.
If it were my last day on Earth, I’d make sure to add the CSDP RSS feed to my Feedly account.