Fuck you, Peter Singer! #6

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,
As a blood sucking member of society I enjoyed a life of being a tick on the back of society. There I was living an excellent life of hedonism until my brother brought me a couple of books espousing your philosophy. Now I had to fucking wake up and see that the needs of the many outweigh my fucking ass. Thanks a lot dickhead. Now I’m gonna hang myself. Toodles!

-Suicidal in San Diego

Dear Peter Singer,
At first I thought I’d like you since you tell people in wealthy USA and Europe to give over their money to people who are worse off, like me in Somalia. However, it turns out that this didn’t work out too well because after people set out to help me, the people in my village who had read your book then robbed me for the greater good. I’m back to the level of poverty I was at earlier, but now I know what I am missing. Fuck you Peter Singer.

-Surly in Somalia

Dear Peter Singer,
Before I read your philosophy, I was a foolish Ayn Randian. Sure, she was wrong as Hell, but I find that your philosophy is way worse. I fucking gave up everything, EVERYTHING for utilitarianism. I went out of my way busting my ass for the poor. I always helped them and they were never thankful. After a while I became disillusioned and now I am a nihilist! All, I do anymore is bother the fuck out of school children telling them that life is meaningless and they should end it all! That’s what your philosophy does to people. No, that’s what YOU do to people. I hope you’re living it up with billion dollar lectures, ass!

-Angry in Allentown

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Unbelievable History: Charles Darwin

By Peter Bristles, Patriotorian

British naturalist Charles Darwin was the twin brother of Abraham Lincoln. This led some people to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions regarding the legitimacy of Lincoln’s Presidency. These people have been removed from the gene pool by Darwinists. Darwin was famous for proposing the modern theory of evolution which states that nothingness created two rocks that smacked together to create your monkey grandma, who magically gave birth to your human mom.

After attending divinity school in order to mock God, Darwin was enlisted to join the second voyage of the HMS Beagle to study nature. He wrote about how he was seasick constantly in his journals, but this is betrayed by his confession to his wife that he really just enjoyed vomiting constantly and would induce it for fun. This is believed to be the root of his nickname, “Ol’ Chucky Vomitpants.”

Once the ship reached the Galapagos archipelago, Darwin observed that certain species of finch had differently shaped beaks. He also observed that they tasted vastly different. There were also Galapagos Island iguanas that tasted remarkably better than their mainland counterparts. There were also varied species of giant tortoises that went quite good in soup. This led to his landmark theory of “Survival of the Tastiest.”

Aboard the HMS Beagle, he came to a disagreement with the Captain Robert FitzRoy while the Captain was showing off his slaves. Modern scientohistorians like to play up how Darwin was opposed to slavery and how he would argue that slavery was evil. Really though, Darwin wasn’t opposed to the notion of slavery. He just didn’t like FitzRoy’s slaves, which he felt were not as shiny and top-of-the-line as his own collection.

When Darwin proposed his theory of evolution, he was laughed at by the Royal Society of England–not because he was thought to be wrong, but because (without his knowledge) his penis was sticking out of his pants, hard and stiff. This was really funny until a consensus was reached that it was annoying to be constantly whacked in the head with Darwin’s oblivious hard-on. Many people ran in fear when Darwin began to speak about the more essential aspects of his theory, as he would become so excited that his penis would throb until it spermed out majestically.

Jean-Baptiste Lamarck provided an alternative theory of evolution. He could do this because his ancestors would practice debating Darwin’s ancestors. Each successive generation carried on its Darwin-debating skills. Modern creationists are not believers in Lamarck’s theory either, but it is true that they are all descended from the best Darwin-debaters.

Some prominent secular historians (the ones who don’t tell HIS-story), believe that Darwin not only came up with the theory of evolution, but that he was able to demonstrate evolution live on-stage. These live performances of evolution were mere trickery though. Darwin would start by cramming five chimpanzees into a hat, putting the hat in a coffin, poking all kinds of swords through the coffin, and out would come a rational, God-fearing human. What nonsense! That just proves that Darwin was a good magician, not a good scientist.

A lot of historians want you to believe in Darwin’s alleged contemporary, Alfred Russel Wallace, who supposedly formulated the theory of evolution independently. Little is known about “Wallace” except that his handwriting and style of writing appears to be identical to Darwin’s. It makes sense that Darwin would fabricate Wallace’s existence in order to perpetuate the lie that evolution was independently discovered by two people instead of one. That way it would give the lie more credibility.

Evolutionary theory was a point of contention between Darwin and his wife, Emma, who believed in God like any good and moral person. He would talk about his observations about the natural world and she would talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Creator of the Universe. This kind of disagreement could have led an ungodly woman to a divorce, but she was a good woman and was subservient to her husband, no matter how satanic he was.

Many people know that Darwin was a proto-Nazi (just turn to the first chapter in On the Origins of Species entitled “The Final Solution”), but what they didn’t know was that Darwin would spend his time plotting about how to stop and silence creationist Ben Stein years before Stein was even a twinkle in his father’s eye. Not to mention that Darwin–getting his advice from Lord Satan–knew that he needed to change the way that universities taught so that they could, in 150 years time, silence Intelligent Design theorists.

Many claim that Darwin did not advocate eugenics or Social Darwinism–that it was actually Herbert Spencer and some others who advocated eugenics. But how do you explain the book that non-secular historians recently unearthed, entitled How To Kill Off The Weak And Mentally Inhibited by Charles Darwin? Sure, if you carbon-dated the book it would appear only to be three years old–not old enough to have been written by Darwin. But that just proves that carbon dating is unreliable!

A lot of people are knowledgeably aware of Darwin’s famous death bed recantation of evolution. What they are unaware of though, is all his other recantations. He recanted most appropriately the atomic theory of matter, Mendelian genetics (even though he had absolutely no knowledge of such a genetics…weird), special theory of relativity (everyone knew that one was false), and supply side economics. He is most famous for recanting the mother and father theory. The mother and father theory states that everyone had a mother and a father. What rubbish!

In modern academia, the theory of evolution has been refined and well-understood. It is taught to millions and is the foundation of our understanding of biology. Just about every field of science reinforces the claims of evolutionists, as well as a mountain of fossil evidence. But were you aware that the famous Piltdown Man fossil was in fact a hoax? I now declare the entire theory void!

Unbelievable Fact! Naturalist T.H. Huxley was a groupie of Darwin’s, and sexed him up constantly. He had such Darwin-lust that he earned the nickname, “Darwin’s Constantly-in-Heat Pitbull.” If you read any of his books you can still see the stains where he spermed out onto the page.

Stop misleading our schoolchildren! Make sure your kid’s school is using Unbelievable History as it’s science textbook.

Unbelievable History: James Madison

By Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian


James Madison was the 4th President of the United States and the main architect of the Constitution. One little known thing about Madison was his staunch atheism. In his time he was famous for writing The Federalist Delusion, God Is Not Greateth, and his philosophical thought experiment involving some kind of invisble pottery or pasta or something. After getting elected, he outlawed Christianity. This is why no one elects atheists to public office in America anymore. Once, they tried to elect an atheist to the Senate, but a mob of Christian historians stormed one of the would-be Senator’s rallies. Then, using abalone shells, they flayed the skin from her bones.

Madison famously disapproved of the Treaty of Tripoli because it didn’t go far enough. It wasn’t enough that it simply declared that the U.S. was not a Christian nation. He thought it should’ve had two more paragraphs proclaiming a devout anti-theism message.

Instead of debating his opponents when he ran for President, he would have widely-publicized debates with creationists. However, since he lived before the theory of evolution–everyone was a creationist. These debates were mostly just Madison uninformedly rolling his eyes at all of the arguments about a divine watchmaker.

After being elected, the first thing Madison did was single-handedly provoke the British to invade America by sending King George III desecrated Eucharists. King George might not have minded this so much, but one of the ways Madison desecrated the Eucharist was by placing them inside the exhumed corpse of the King’s dead mother. Initially the King just asked for an apology and the rehuming of his mother, but Madison wanted none of this. Instead he went to war with England in a mad crusade to convert them to atheism. Contemporary critics called this, “Mr. Madison’s Jihad.” Clearly Madison was right to do this against those Anglicofascists.

In general, the populous complained about him being “shrill” and “strident.” They were right. If you don’t know what those words mean, they are both defined as being “of or like Richard Dawkins.”

Unbelievable Fact! After Madison created the U.S. Constitution, he went ahead and wrote on the back of it his famous “Spirit of the Constitution.” Whenever crises would happen in the U.S. economy, politicians could capitalize on this by flipping to the “The Spirit of the Constitution” side. The Spirit of the Constitution was used by future Congresses and future Presidents to bailout corporations and give handouts. It also helped in nationalizing automakers.

Not buying this book is a form of child abuse.

Fuck You, Peter Singer! #5

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,
My son unfortunately read your shitty book, Animal Liberation, and he thought it was a good idea to free all the animals from the local zoo. But guess what? The fucking mayor had all the cops shoot to death every single last one of them and now all those animal’s heads hang shamefully on the walls of our city hall. How’s that for your ill-thought-out philosophy?

-Disappointed Dad in Des Moines

Harsh words for the Sing’.

Dear Peter Singer,
If the only moral thing to do is to give everything you have to the poor, then why didn’t I feel more moral when I donated all my vital organs, muscles and such? Also, why am I a ghost?

-Spectral in Sacremento

Unbelievable History: Cleopatra

By John Titor, Time Traveler


Some modernist liars try to say that Cleopatra was in fact a very good queen, and that Roman propaganda is the reason people think she was unfit to rule. But really this just goes to show how much we should put our faith in propaganda. For example, we know that Cleopatra was slutty because Egyptologists found an ancient bathroom stall where someone had written about her cavernous vagina.

Let’s start at the beginning. Ptolemy Auletes, Cleopatra’s father, was always debaucherous, self-indulgent and always drinkin’ it up. These may sound like good qualities, but did you know that he had the audacity to drive his chariot sober with his young daughter Cleopatra? Living–not to mention driving–while sober, in classical Egypt was irresponsible as the Ptolemaic Dynasty would drive anyone mad.

Cleopatra married her brother, which may seem odd to you and I, but it is important to respect other cultures. In Egypt, people placed extreme value on the birth defects that arose from inbreeding. How else do you think all those cat people got there? The Greeks also valued deformities via incest. However, they lacked the natural Egyptian prowess at getting nasty with kin. This is why all the Greeks ever got out of their incest were cyclopes, minotauria, and flocks of harpies.

Historians think it absurd to believe that Cleopatra was black because she was a descendant of the Macedonian general Ptolemy. But actually she was the first black Macedonian. That was a pivotal step for other African-Egyptians. When Cleopatra was campaigning for Phaoroh she was scandalized by the high priest of her temple, who kept going on diatribes against white Egyptians. Most Egyptians were white of course, and these comments by priest Wrightolomeus were remarkably offensive. It got even worse on the campaign trail as her brother/husband made a huge faux pas by saying that he only now was proud of the Egyptian pyramids. Several pro-obelisk unions withdrew their support for Cleopatra after that. She still had a large block of supporters who would compare her to other great Egyptian leaders, calling her Neferretiesque.

Cleopatra campaigned on hope and asps, while her opponent, McCainidus was a maverick who instead advocated a fiscally conservative economic policy and poison dart frogs. Her campaign motto was, “Asps we can believ–ahhhh! It’s killed me!” Her campaign manager was going to write out a more complicated campaign slogan, but he was mysteriously killed near an asp that was mysteriously there and then mysteriously disappeared.

Some critics thought Cleopatra was unfit for to rule because she would mail every statesman except Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony deadly asps as presents. She didn’t know they were poisonous, and she was always wondering why Caesar and Anthony were the only people who would love her despite her not sending them beautiful, benevolent asps. She initially didn’t like them and that’s why she didn’t send them the prized snakes as gifts. Later, Cleopatra thought Mark Anthony was weirder than Caesar for still loving her despite that she refused to put an asp in his tent, in his shoes, in his astrolabe, in his coffee, or in his slave. It was about that time that Cleopatra decided that maybe Mark Anthony was the man for her. Eventually, all her campaigners died of asp bites, but she got the job anyway because everyone was worried as shit about getting asped by her.

Unbelievable Fact!  Cleopatra, just like the popular 1990s song implies, was famous for comin’ at ya. She would frequently harass other Egyptian nobles by continuously comin’ at them. Later, Roman Senators would complain to Caesar that Cleopatra would show up at their door unannounced and only moments later be comin’ at them.

Once she became Pharaoh, she quickly learned how to have a good time. While her compatriots were snortin’ lead acetate, she was trippin’ on asp bites. Her physician was forced to warn her that asp bites should not be mixed with mercury. She went a little too far one night when she snorted lead dust, drank down two glasses of mercury, and had ten asps hanging from her neck. If she just had one glass less of mercury, she might’ve lived. Asp bites just didn’t catch on in the general populous like it did for Cleopatra. Most people just over-dosed after just one bite. Lightweights!

After Cleopatra’s death, Octavian, who had seized the reigns of the Roman empire in the power vacuum following Caesar’s death, acted very jubilant at the news of Cleopatra’s horrible death. This was for public appearances alone, for he was truly quite saddened by her passing. For years he’d secretly longed to be a part of her massive, incestuous, asp-infested orgies.

Unbelievable Fact! The only other person to rival Cleopatra’s nuisance of form and grace was Helen of Troy who pestered the Greek King Menelaus to his end by getting kidnapped and starting inconvenient wars.

Cleopatra was breathtakingly beautiful, which was annoying. She frustrated many world leaders with her breathtaking beauty, which was constantly forcing these busy people to take extra breaths. How obnoxious is that?

If you liked this chapter, then buy the rest for $12. If you don’t, Cleopatra will proceed to come at ya.

Fuck You, Peter Singer! #2


For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,
I became convinced that animals deserved rights after I read your book, Animal Liberation. I spent all my money suing the U.S. government to give my dog JimmyWhimmy full human-level rights. I finally did win–and I was ecstatic–but then JimmyWhimmy turned out to be not nearly as clever as we thought. He misused his right to vote and registered as a Libertarian. If dogs are just gonna throw their votes away, what’s the fucking point of me going into poverty to give them rights? Go die in a pit, Singer.

-Vegan in Vermont

Cogito Ergo I Am Right: A Sexual Analysis of Different Philosophies

By Amateur Philosopher, Penny Ham

Man if Platonism is true, then I should be able to get off by the mere abstract thought of orgasm but I can only get turned on by the thought of orgasm, ergo abstract thought must be at best semi-real but not real-with-a-capital-R.

If Platonism is real then I should be able to masturbate to the a priori abstract conception of man-ness but I can’t, ergo Platonism has got to be false.

Theism cannot be true because Catholic nuns marry God but they cannot derive any of the benefits sexually from God, ergo atheism or perhaps pantheism must be true. Pantheism could be true because women can derive orgasms from thunder and lightning, which is a physical manifestation of God. That or it is a less robust proof of Zeus’ existence.

Sexuality originated and must have originated from some unsexed sexer. But this is no proof of a god since a god would have to be omnisexual, not merely unsexed.

Deism, philosophically speaking, could be true because sexually it explains all those one nights stands people encounter.

Nietzsche’s philosophy is almost compelling but a lot of people do not feel compelled to bring a whip when visiting a woman. But an eternal recurrence of orgasm is pretty satisfying.

Ayn Rand’s philosophy can be true to the selfish masturbator. But it lacks the robust worldview of satisfying anyone else’s sexual needs.

Utilitarianism could be true but it is a philosophy that might make you give up sexual satisfaction in order to please the many.

Kant’s categorical imperative, while compelling to some feminists, treats all sexual acts as un-dignifying to anyone. This sexual philosophy can only be appealing to sexual exploiters and no one else. Ergo, Kant’s ethics is false.

Darwinism has gotta be true because the more babies you make, the more your species has to be evolving. And the undesirable babies can always be aborted.

Hedonism almost makes it as a philosophy but one must take into account foreplay, so instant gratification in no way answers everyone’s sexual needs.

Logical positivism almost is true but if someone is faking an orgasm, then an orgasm is not in principle verifiable. But Popperian falsificationism is right because when someone tells you, you didn’t give them an orgasm, you know.