Your life would be better if you owned a copy of our book, Unbelievable History.
Dear J&D’s Foods,
I am writing today to voice my dissatisfaction with your product. While your “cajunnaise” is in fact delicious, it did not perform as advertised. Specifically, the promise that your product would be “like Mardis Gras in your mouth.” Sirs, I do not know if you have ever conducted an affair of such magnitude in someone’s orifice, but I assure you that your condiment does not compare.
Not only is cajunnaise devoid of alcohol and obnoxious drunk people, but consuming it did not fill my mouth with thousands of cheap beads. Nor did it leave me feeling creeped out as there were no videographers filming the girls going wild in my mouth.
Please do better.
The various self-help gurus of the world are always advising people to live each day like it’s the last one they have. This is horrible advice because:
-You could end up making amends with former friends who you’ve wronged. Look, those guys were assholes anyway, now they’re gonna want to drink with you, throw you parties and help you move your stuff into your apartment. And give you obnoxiously sound advice. Fuck that!
-It is very tricky to squeeze all those malignant tumors into your organs without proper medical training.
-This approach might work for you if you live on Gamma 7 in the Cygnus star cluster, since their last day of life is spent in perpetual bliss.
-Another inconvenient fact about this approach is that the funeral directors and crematasiums don’t appreciate all the false alarms when you tell them you’ll be decomposing in a few days.
-This is really bad if you run a cult since you have to wait until the blood god Loth-nor is fully appeased before committing seppuku.
-The worst part is having to do awkward confessions of past offenses and have everyone get all pissed because of all the affairs and murders.
-Breaking into a federal prison and demanding a last meal is kind of difficult.
-You might choose to live your last day on Earth paying your bills, eating boring food and having a lackluster conversation with a coworker you don’t like. If that’s how you would spend your last day, this approach may disappoint you greatly.
-Taking the advice too literally and planning for an interstellar voyage will bankrupt you after you buy so many spacesuits and astronaut meal rations.
-Your spouse will always be pissed at you for all the suicide notes you’ll leave around the house.
If it were my last day on Earth, I’d make sure to add the CSDP RSS feed to my Feedly account.
Usually Unbelievable History is sold for the low price of $12. However, if you act now through Amazon, you can get it for the low, low price of $8.64. An unbelievable bargain!
For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.
Dear Peter Singer,
How dare you call yourself a moral philosopher, you shit for brains! My husband followed your advice to the letter, he did everything in the name of your thoughtless diatribes. Now he’s in jail for infanticide. Yes, infanti-fucking-cide. He killed our down syndrome baby in order to keep it from living a life of pain and inability. Well, guess what, fuck head, things aren’t so peaches and cream for us! Now he’s in jail and I’m struggling to keep my job, which is prostitution, and my pimp is gonna beat the living shit out of me. I hope you there is a special place in Hell for you Utilitarians. You want welfare for all, but all you do is create a life of fucking Hell.
-Miserable in Montana
By Agnostic1984 and The Jess
-I do not believe in justice, I only believe in mercy.
-I do not believe in the US Constitution, I only believe in the Code of Hammurabi.
-I do not believe in the rule of law, only in the rule of men.
-I do not believe free will and determinism are compatible but I do believe in determinism. Thus I do not believe in free will and so I do not believe in moral responsibility. Thus I cannot serve in a justice system that is predicated on the concept of moral responsibility.
-I do not believe in jury by your own peers, only in jury by a tribunal.
-I do not believe in justice, only in forgive and forget.
-I do believe in random jury selection, however I do not believe in the particular statistical method that was used to randomly select this jury.
-I do not believe in due process, just that we have a due product.
-I firmly believe everyone is guilty of some atrocity or warcrime, just a matter of time before we uncover what it is.
-I only believe in torture that is executed speedily.
-I believe only in that speedy trial part of the Constitution. That was my favorite part. Everything else was kind of a waste of ink, especially that fair trial part.
-I would be fit to serve in this jury if it wasn’t for the fact that the verdict was already fixed by Zionists ahead of time.
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