Unbelievable History: Charles Darwin

By Peter Bristles, Patriotorian

British naturalist Charles Darwin was the twin brother of Abraham Lincoln. This led some people to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions regarding the legitimacy of Lincoln’s Presidency. These people have been removed from the gene pool by Darwinists. Darwin was famous for proposing the modern theory of evolution which states that nothingness created two rocks that smacked together to create your monkey grandma, who magically gave birth to your human mom.

After attending divinity school in order to mock God, Darwin was enlisted to join the second voyage of the HMS Beagle to study nature. He wrote about how he was seasick constantly in his journals, but this is betrayed by his confession to his wife that he really just enjoyed vomiting constantly and would induce it for fun. This is believed to be the root of his nickname, “Ol’ Chucky Vomitpants.”

Once the ship reached the Galapagos archipelago, Darwin observed that certain species of finch had differently shaped beaks. He also observed that they tasted vastly different. There were also Galapagos Island iguanas that tasted remarkably better than their mainland counterparts. There were also varied species of giant tortoises that went quite good in soup. This led to his landmark theory of “Survival of the Tastiest.”

Aboard the HMS Beagle, he came to a disagreement with the Captain Robert FitzRoy while the Captain was showing off his slaves. Modern scientohistorians like to play up how Darwin was opposed to slavery and how he would argue that slavery was evil. Really though, Darwin wasn’t opposed to the notion of slavery. He just didn’t like FitzRoy’s slaves, which he felt were not as shiny and top-of-the-line as his own collection.

When Darwin proposed his theory of evolution, he was laughed at by the Royal Society of England–not because he was thought to be wrong, but because (without his knowledge) his penis was sticking out of his pants, hard and stiff. This was really funny until a consensus was reached that it was annoying to be constantly whacked in the head with Darwin’s oblivious hard-on. Many people ran in fear when Darwin began to speak about the more essential aspects of his theory, as he would become so excited that his penis would throb until it spermed out majestically.

Jean-Baptiste Lamarck provided an alternative theory of evolution. He could do this because his ancestors would practice debating Darwin’s ancestors. Each successive generation carried on its Darwin-debating skills. Modern creationists are not believers in Lamarck’s theory either, but it is true that they are all descended from the best Darwin-debaters.

Some prominent secular historians (the ones who don’t tell HIS-story), believe that Darwin not only came up with the theory of evolution, but that he was able to demonstrate evolution live on-stage. These live performances of evolution were mere trickery though. Darwin would start by cramming five chimpanzees into a hat, putting the hat in a coffin, poking all kinds of swords through the coffin, and out would come a rational, God-fearing human. What nonsense! That just proves that Darwin was a good magician, not a good scientist.

A lot of historians want you to believe in Darwin’s alleged contemporary, Alfred Russel Wallace, who supposedly formulated the theory of evolution independently. Little is known about “Wallace” except that his handwriting and style of writing appears to be identical to Darwin’s. It makes sense that Darwin would fabricate Wallace’s existence in order to perpetuate the lie that evolution was independently discovered by two people instead of one. That way it would give the lie more credibility.

Evolutionary theory was a point of contention between Darwin and his wife, Emma, who believed in God like any good and moral person. He would talk about his observations about the natural world and she would talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Creator of the Universe. This kind of disagreement could have led an ungodly woman to a divorce, but she was a good woman and was subservient to her husband, no matter how satanic he was.

Many people know that Darwin was a proto-Nazi (just turn to the first chapter in On the Origins of Species entitled “The Final Solution”), but what they didn’t know was that Darwin would spend his time plotting about how to stop and silence creationist Ben Stein years before Stein was even a twinkle in his father’s eye. Not to mention that Darwin–getting his advice from Lord Satan–knew that he needed to change the way that universities taught so that they could, in 150 years time, silence Intelligent Design theorists.

Many claim that Darwin did not advocate eugenics or Social Darwinism–that it was actually Herbert Spencer and some others who advocated eugenics. But how do you explain the book that non-secular historians recently unearthed, entitled How To Kill Off The Weak And Mentally Inhibited by Charles Darwin? Sure, if you carbon-dated the book it would appear only to be three years old–not old enough to have been written by Darwin. But that just proves that carbon dating is unreliable!

A lot of people are knowledgeably aware of Darwin’s famous death bed recantation of evolution. What they are unaware of though, is all his other recantations. He recanted most appropriately the atomic theory of matter, Mendelian genetics (even though he had absolutely no knowledge of such a genetics…weird), special theory of relativity (everyone knew that one was false), and supply side economics. He is most famous for recanting the mother and father theory. The mother and father theory states that everyone had a mother and a father. What rubbish!

In modern academia, the theory of evolution has been refined and well-understood. It is taught to millions and is the foundation of our understanding of biology. Just about every field of science reinforces the claims of evolutionists, as well as a mountain of fossil evidence. But were you aware that the famous Piltdown Man fossil was in fact a hoax? I now declare the entire theory void!

Unbelievable Fact! Naturalist T.H. Huxley was a groupie of Darwin’s, and sexed him up constantly. He had such Darwin-lust that he earned the nickname, “Darwin’s Constantly-in-Heat Pitbull.” If you read any of his books you can still see the stains where he spermed out onto the page.

Stop misleading our schoolchildren! Make sure your kid’s school is using Unbelievable History as it’s science textbook.


Unbelievable History: Cleopatra

By John Titor, Time Traveler

Some modernist liars try to say that Cleopatra was in fact a very good queen, and that Roman propaganda is the reason people think she was unfit to rule. But really this just goes to show how much we should put our faith in propaganda. For example, we know that Cleopatra was slutty because Egyptologists found an ancient bathroom stall where someone had written about her cavernous vagina.

Let’s start at the beginning. Ptolemy Auletes, Cleopatra’s father, was always debaucherous, self-indulgent and always drinkin’ it up. These may sound like good qualities, but did you know that he had the audacity to drive his chariot sober with his young daughter Cleopatra? Living–not to mention driving–while sober, in classical Egypt was irresponsible as the Ptolemaic Dynasty would drive anyone mad.

Cleopatra married her brother, which may seem odd to you and I, but it is important to respect other cultures. In Egypt, people placed extreme value on the birth defects that arose from inbreeding. How else do you think all those cat people got there? The Greeks also valued deformities via incest. However, they lacked the natural Egyptian prowess at getting nasty with kin. This is why all the Greeks ever got out of their incest were cyclopes, minotauria, and flocks of harpies.

Historians think it absurd to believe that Cleopatra was black because she was a descendant of the Macedonian general Ptolemy. But actually she was the first black Macedonian. That was a pivotal step for other African-Egyptians. When Cleopatra was campaigning for Phaoroh she was scandalized by the high priest of her temple, who kept going on diatribes against white Egyptians. Most Egyptians were white of course, and these comments by priest Wrightolomeus were remarkably offensive. It got even worse on the campaign trail as her brother/husband made a huge faux pas by saying that he only now was proud of the Egyptian pyramids. Several pro-obelisk unions withdrew their support for Cleopatra after that. She still had a large block of supporters who would compare her to other great Egyptian leaders, calling her Neferretiesque.

Cleopatra campaigned on hope and asps, while her opponent, McCainidus was a maverick who instead advocated a fiscally conservative economic policy and poison dart frogs. Her campaign motto was, “Asps we can believ–ahhhh! It’s killed me!” Her campaign manager was going to write out a more complicated campaign slogan, but he was mysteriously killed near an asp that was mysteriously there and then mysteriously disappeared.

Some critics thought Cleopatra was unfit for to rule because she would mail every statesman except Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony deadly asps as presents. She didn’t know they were poisonous, and she was always wondering why Caesar and Anthony were the only people who would love her despite her not sending them beautiful, benevolent asps. She initially didn’t like them and that’s why she didn’t send them the prized snakes as gifts. Later, Cleopatra thought Mark Anthony was weirder than Caesar for still loving her despite that she refused to put an asp in his tent, in his shoes, in his astrolabe, in his coffee, or in his slave. It was about that time that Cleopatra decided that maybe Mark Anthony was the man for her. Eventually, all her campaigners died of asp bites, but she got the job anyway because everyone was worried as shit about getting asped by her.

Unbelievable Fact!  Cleopatra, just like the popular 1990s song implies, was famous for comin’ at ya. She would frequently harass other Egyptian nobles by continuously comin’ at them. Later, Roman Senators would complain to Caesar that Cleopatra would show up at their door unannounced and only moments later be comin’ at them.

Once she became Pharaoh, she quickly learned how to have a good time. While her compatriots were snortin’ lead acetate, she was trippin’ on asp bites. Her physician was forced to warn her that asp bites should not be mixed with mercury. She went a little too far one night when she snorted lead dust, drank down two glasses of mercury, and had ten asps hanging from her neck. If she just had one glass less of mercury, she might’ve lived. Asp bites just didn’t catch on in the general populous like it did for Cleopatra. Most people just over-dosed after just one bite. Lightweights!

After Cleopatra’s death, Octavian, who had seized the reigns of the Roman empire in the power vacuum following Caesar’s death, acted very jubilant at the news of Cleopatra’s horrible death. This was for public appearances alone, for he was truly quite saddened by her passing. For years he’d secretly longed to be a part of her massive, incestuous, asp-infested orgies.

Unbelievable Fact! The only other person to rival Cleopatra’s nuisance of form and grace was Helen of Troy who pestered the Greek King Menelaus to his end by getting kidnapped and starting inconvenient wars.

Cleopatra was breathtakingly beautiful, which was annoying. She frustrated many world leaders with her breathtaking beauty, which was constantly forcing these busy people to take extra breaths. How obnoxious is that?

If you liked this chapter, then buy the rest for $12. If you don’t, Cleopatra will proceed to come at ya.

The New Hipster Historical Review: Battle of Balaclava

By hipster historian, Dan von Dan

Once again, it’s Dan von Dan with the New Hipster Historical Review.  Not that any of you deserve my valuable opinions.  Today I am going to waste my time enlightening the masses about the Battle of Balaclava.  Now, in terms of pointless reasons for fighting a war to start with, the Crimean War has some pretty good indie cred.  Not many wars have been essentially fought over whether a church roof gets a dome or a point.

More of you, however, may be familiar with the battle under the guise of blundering military disasters.  The Charge of the Light Brigade took place at Balaclava when some British officers couldn’t pull their heads out of their asses long enough that charging directly at cannons is not exactly a genius move.   Frontal charges were cool, back before the invention of gunpowder.  Besides that, I was into military blunders  back when Hannibal attacked the Romans at Lake Trasimene.  It takes great skill to screw up on both sides.

Of course, nobody would even know about this battle if it wasn’t for Tennyson’s poem.   Though, I was into poetry back when a guy named Homer was writing The Illiad. Furthermore, where does Alfred Lord Tennyson get off writing poems about his own side’s tactical fuck-ups?  You know what we call that these days? Treason.   Who does Tennyson think he is, some dirty socialist anti-war protestor.  Such anti-war propaganda was cool when it was Jane Fonda in Vietnam; at least she had the good sense actually to be an American.   You know who writes poems about crushing defeats, the winning side and by winning side, I mean the side doing the defeating.   Plus, this was back before the Russians sold out and started beating their enemies in the winter by torching everything in sight.

The real mistake the Brits made was ignoring the first rule of French warfare, ally with the Americans.  The French army was great back when it was commanded by the Duke of Normandy.  Of course, I was into Cardigans when they were a sweater, not a commanding general of the British forces.

As far as battles go, I’m sadly going to have to rate this battle as about as hip as a small woodland mammal’s pelvis.  Now, had the Russians been right in suspecting that the British commanders were drunk off their asses, I’d be inclined to bump the rating up to a Brontosaurus’s hip, but sadly drunken battlefield shenanigans are few and far between.   At the very least, they could have slapped a couple soldiers like Patton, now there was one hip dude.

New Hipster Historical Review: Christmas

By hipster historian Dan von Dan

So, it’s Christmas, that’s nice.  If you’re a sellout.   Quite frankly, I was into this whole Christmas thing back when it was called Saturnalia and pagans still sacrificed frogs on the solstice.   Seriously, it was all fine and dandy, lot’s of drinking, merry making, etc… Then along comes some disaffected Jews and a dude who wants to move his birthday then all of a sudden/a few centuries they’re ripping off all the pagan traditions.  Couldn’t even be bothered to keep the frog sacrifices.  I liked those. They had a certain indie appeal to it.

For awhile they kept the celebration under wraps.  The Puritans: amazingly good at it.  Nothing says good ole fashioned originality like considering Christmas an abomination.  Then again, that was short lived and along came the greatest sellout of all, Santa Claus.  For a while, he was scary enough. Germans are good for that sort of thing.  The death by medieval Santa was a nice touch. Coca-Cola couldn’t be satisfied though. Christmas wasn’t corporate enough for them.  Goodwill to all men wasn’t good enough for the corporate bottom line.

Instead, we get Criminal Santa, breaking in your chimneys, snatching your cookies up.  Worse yet, Coke’s little marketing campaign has resulted in forcing children worldwide to demand their parents buy them all sorts of useless trinkets.   And, unlike Santa, they’re expected to keep up this tradition of buying goods instead of sacrificing frogs into their adulthood.

Now, this war on Christmas thing.  That has potential to be something new provided those militant atheists don’t go mainstream.  Of course, they could step up their game a little bit.  There hasn’t been a single menorah bombing or Santa slaying.  It’s hard to believe, but it seems the atheists have less technology than the Palestinians who throw rocks at Israeli tanks.

My final ruling. Christmas, totally lame.  War on Christmas, granted I liked it much better as the Police Action on Christmas, still has some potential.

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The New Hipster Historical Review: William Henry Harrison

By hipster historian, Dan von Dan.

Hello again, this is Dan von Dan. Sadly, I imagine that most of you weren’t into history when it was called the present. Anyways, I suppose I shall entertain you pedestrian sellouts with the New Hipster Historical Review. This week we’re discussing William Henry Harrison, America’s hipster President.

First off, man was either a “do it the best” or “not doing it” kind of guy. Says, “screw it,” retires to his farm and refuses to do shit unless he’s made President. That’s the kind of man who doesn’t sell out. He was the oldest President as well, until Americans decided to sell out and start the trend of electing no-talent celebrities.

While some people would walk outside, find it cold and rainy, Harrison shucked mainstream fashionistas and refused to wear even so much as a warm hat, and not just for a dash to the mailbox or to pick up the morning newspaper, no, to give a two hour long speech. A speech in which he regaled his audience, not with his plan for America, but with a scathing critique of Henry Russell as a plebian, immigrant, and euro trash. Not content with a critique of the contemporary music scene, he went into a diatribe about how Germany’s failed 1848 revolution led to the rise of a militant Prussia under the leadership of Bismarck. He was further concerned about how such militarism would affect military alliances in Europe circa the turn of the century.

Harrison was smart and realized that the Presidency used to be cool, but after having been in office for almost a month the White House had really gone downhill. He contemplated continuing his term ironically, but instead decided to die of pneumonia. Harrison died well before it was cool. After that Vice President John Tyler took the Presidency and completely sold out. If Tyler were alive today, he would have been the kind of guy who would listen to Dave Matthew’s Band voluntarily.

John Tyler: Total douchenozzle.

Start following CSDP on Twitter before it becomes mainstream.

The New Hipster Historical Review: The Stone Age

By hipster historian, Dan von Dan

Hello, let me introduce myself.  I’m Dan von Dan—long “a”, as in “on.”  Get it right.  I was into life alert before your grandma needed a new hip.  Let’s just say that after a hard night drinking PBR and recounting bands that have yet to form, that I discovered I need somebody to come and help me up, because I sure as hell am not going to put my effort into it like some common sorority trash.

Anyways, that’s beside the point.  I’m better than you and that’s all you need to know.  I’d like to welcome you to my publication, The New Hipster Historical Review.  Anybody can learn about history, but most of you peasants aren’t nearly qualified to make a judgment one way or the other, much less have an opinion.  That’s why I’m here, to help.  You’re welcome.

First up, the Stone Age.  It might be hip to chuck it all, live in a cave, and sacrifice frogs while sitting around the fire drinking PBR these days, but it’s not too hip to be sacrificing animals when you’re trying to appease Kulahumaka (dot followed by swirly dash line above deer on cave wall), fly god of the hunt.  Polytheistic animal deities were cool, you know, before the discovery of fire.  Oh, and look at the cave men, cooking their food.  Oh, big advancement there.  You know, humans already had a solution for that, it was called an appendix.  They could have just manned up and ate their food raw.  Now we just have a vestigial organ that gets infected, blows up and kills us, all thanks to our Stone Age sellouts.

Speaking of fire, they couldn’t just leave it for its intended use: burning everything down to the ground.  No, our ancestors had to trash the art form and find all sorts of practical uses to help “the man.”   Tell me, how is warding off predators anything other than giving into society?

Our ancestors couldn’t even keep something like the wheel from going mainstream.  Round chunk of rock that did nothing and rolled away if you put it on an incline, completely useless and that’s why it was great.  Then some cave dweller with an eye for entrepreneurship comes along, shoves a stick between two wheels and brings the human race one-step closer to NASCAR.   Oh, did I mention that these were the same kind of people who thought agriculture was a great idea?  Yes, let’s just sit around and stick seeds into the ground—then cause a diffusion of labor and doom humanity to a widening hierarchy between the haves and have nots.

What happened to you, wheel? You used to be cool.

Homo sapiens are cool and all, but I was into upright walking hominids back when they were called Australopithecus afarensis.  In closing, the Stone Age was about as hip as your grandmother after she fell out of the bathtub, shattered her pelvis, and couldn’t press the life-alert button because both her arms fell out of their sockets.


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