Don’t Live Each Day Like It’s Your Last(POSTED)

Enjoying the sun

The various self-help gurus of the world are always advising people to live each day like it’s the last one they have. This is horrible advice because:

-You could end up making amends with former friends who you’ve wronged. Look, those guys were assholes anyway, now they’re gonna want to drink with you, throw you parties and help you move your stuff into your apartment. And give you obnoxiously sound advice. Fuck that!

-It is very tricky to squeeze all those malignant tumors into your organs without proper medical training.

-This approach might work for you if you live on Gamma 7 in the Cygnus star cluster, since their last day of life is spent in perpetual bliss.

-Another inconvenient fact about this approach is that the funeral directors and crematasiums don’t appreciate all the false alarms when you tell them you’ll be decomposing in a few days.

-This is really bad if you run a cult since you have to wait until the blood god Loth-nor is fully appeased before committing seppuku.

-The worst part is having to do awkward confessions of past offenses and have everyone get all pissed because of all the affairs and murders.

-Breaking into a federal prison and demanding a last meal is kind of difficult.

-You might choose to live your last day on Earth paying your bills, eating boring food and having a lackluster conversation with a coworker you don’t like. If that’s how you would spend your last day, this approach may disappoint you greatly.

-Taking the advice too literally and planning for an interstellar voyage will bankrupt you after you buy so many spacesuits and astronaut meal rations.

-Your spouse will always be pissed at you for all the suicide notes you’ll leave around the house.

If it were my last day on Earth, I’d make sure to add the CSDP RSS feed to my Feedly account.

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Fuck you, Peter Singer #5

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,

I recently made the mistake of reading your book, The Life You Save, the day before I hosted an orgy at my house. Normally my orgies are well-received, but this time I was trying to be moral with it. I took people who looked like they might not get enough pleasure from the experience and took them out of the orgy mid-coitus and made them sit in the corner. Logically (according to you) that would ensure that the orgasm of the many would succeed at the cost of the orgasm of a few. Turned out it was a net loss for eroticism and I’m now banned from the fornicators guild. I’m never hosting a utilitarian sex party again!

-Sexy in Sacramento

Unbelievable History: James Madison

By Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian


James Madison was the 4th President of the United States and the main architect of the Constitution. One little known thing about Madison was his staunch atheism. In his time he was famous for writing The Federalist Delusion, God Is Not Greateth, and his philosophical thought experiment involving some kind of invisble pottery or pasta or something. After getting elected, he outlawed Christianity. This is why no one elects atheists to public office in America anymore. Once, they tried to elect an atheist to the Senate, but a mob of Christian historians stormed one of the would-be Senator’s rallies. Then, using abalone shells, they flayed the skin from her bones.

Madison famously disapproved of the Treaty of Tripoli because it didn’t go far enough. It wasn’t enough that it simply declared that the U.S. was not a Christian nation. He thought it should’ve had two more paragraphs proclaiming a devout anti-theism message.

Instead of debating his opponents when he ran for President, he would have widely-publicized debates with creationists. However, since he lived before the theory of evolution–everyone was a creationist. These debates were mostly just Madison uninformedly rolling his eyes at all of the arguments about a divine watchmaker.

After being elected, the first thing Madison did was single-handedly provoke the British to invade America by sending King George III desecrated Eucharists. King George might not have minded this so much, but one of the ways Madison desecrated the Eucharist was by placing them inside the exhumed corpse of the King’s dead mother. Initially the King just asked for an apology and the rehuming of his mother, but Madison wanted none of this. Instead he went to war with England in a mad crusade to convert them to atheism. Contemporary critics called this, “Mr. Madison’s Jihad.” Clearly Madison was right to do this against those Anglicofascists.

In general, the populous complained about him being “shrill” and “strident.” They were right. If you don’t know what those words mean, they are both defined as being “of or like Richard Dawkins.”

Unbelievable Fact! After Madison created the U.S. Constitution, he went ahead and wrote on the back of it his famous “Spirit of the Constitution.” Whenever crises would happen in the U.S. economy, politicians could capitalize on this by flipping to the “The Spirit of the Constitution” side. The Spirit of the Constitution was used by future Congresses and future Presidents to bailout corporations and give handouts. It also helped in nationalizing automakers.

Not buying this book is a form of child abuse.

Fuck You, Peter Singer! #3-4


For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,
How dare you call yourself a moral philosopher, you shit for brains! My husband followed your advice to the letter, he did everything in the name of your thoughtless diatribes. Now he’s in jail for infanticide. Yes, infanti-fucking-cide. He killed our down syndrome baby in order to keep it from living a life of pain and inability. Well, guess what, fuck head, things aren’t so peaches and cream for us! Now he’s in jail and I’m struggling to keep my job, which is prostitution, and my pimp is gonna beat the living shit out of me. I hope you there is a special place in Hell for you Utilitarians. You want welfare for all, but all you do is create a life of fucking Hell.

-Miserable in Montana

We can’t respond to this criticism since we aren’t Peter Singer.

Dear Peter Singer,
Your moral statements are bullshit. You tell everyone that it’s morally permissible to kill the mentally handicapped, but for SOME REASON, every time I helpfully slit the throat of someone sitting next to me on the bus on the basis that they might be mentally handicapped, I’m hauled off to jail and given a lecture about how it’s in fact immoral and those people weren’t even mentally handicapped. Maybe you should put some more thought into your positions. Just my two cents.

-Slitting in Salem

Unbelievable History: Cleopatra

By John Titor, Time Traveler


Some modernist liars try to say that Cleopatra was in fact a very good queen, and that Roman propaganda is the reason people think she was unfit to rule. But really this just goes to show how much we should put our faith in propaganda. For example, we know that Cleopatra was slutty because Egyptologists found an ancient bathroom stall where someone had written about her cavernous vagina.

Let’s start at the beginning. Ptolemy Auletes, Cleopatra’s father, was always debaucherous, self-indulgent and always drinkin’ it up. These may sound like good qualities, but did you know that he had the audacity to drive his chariot sober with his young daughter Cleopatra? Living–not to mention driving–while sober, in classical Egypt was irresponsible as the Ptolemaic Dynasty would drive anyone mad.

Cleopatra married her brother, which may seem odd to you and I, but it is important to respect other cultures. In Egypt, people placed extreme value on the birth defects that arose from inbreeding. How else do you think all those cat people got there? The Greeks also valued deformities via incest. However, they lacked the natural Egyptian prowess at getting nasty with kin. This is why all the Greeks ever got out of their incest were cyclopes, minotauria, and flocks of harpies.

Historians think it absurd to believe that Cleopatra was black because she was a descendant of the Macedonian general Ptolemy. But actually she was the first black Macedonian. That was a pivotal step for other African-Egyptians. When Cleopatra was campaigning for Phaoroh she was scandalized by the high priest of her temple, who kept going on diatribes against white Egyptians. Most Egyptians were white of course, and these comments by priest Wrightolomeus were remarkably offensive. It got even worse on the campaign trail as her brother/husband made a huge faux pas by saying that he only now was proud of the Egyptian pyramids. Several pro-obelisk unions withdrew their support for Cleopatra after that. She still had a large block of supporters who would compare her to other great Egyptian leaders, calling her Neferretiesque.

Cleopatra campaigned on hope and asps, while her opponent, McCainidus was a maverick who instead advocated a fiscally conservative economic policy and poison dart frogs. Her campaign motto was, “Asps we can believ–ahhhh! It’s killed me!” Her campaign manager was going to write out a more complicated campaign slogan, but he was mysteriously killed near an asp that was mysteriously there and then mysteriously disappeared.

Some critics thought Cleopatra was unfit for to rule because she would mail every statesman except Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony deadly asps as presents. She didn’t know they were poisonous, and she was always wondering why Caesar and Anthony were the only people who would love her despite her not sending them beautiful, benevolent asps. She initially didn’t like them and that’s why she didn’t send them the prized snakes as gifts. Later, Cleopatra thought Mark Anthony was weirder than Caesar for still loving her despite that she refused to put an asp in his tent, in his shoes, in his astrolabe, in his coffee, or in his slave. It was about that time that Cleopatra decided that maybe Mark Anthony was the man for her. Eventually, all her campaigners died of asp bites, but she got the job anyway because everyone was worried as shit about getting asped by her.

Unbelievable Fact!  Cleopatra, just like the popular 1990s song implies, was famous for comin’ at ya. She would frequently harass other Egyptian nobles by continuously comin’ at them. Later, Roman Senators would complain to Caesar that Cleopatra would show up at their door unannounced and only moments later be comin’ at them.

Once she became Pharaoh, she quickly learned how to have a good time. While her compatriots were snortin’ lead acetate, she was trippin’ on asp bites. Her physician was forced to warn her that asp bites should not be mixed with mercury. She went a little too far one night when she snorted lead dust, drank down two glasses of mercury, and had ten asps hanging from her neck. If she just had one glass less of mercury, she might’ve lived. Asp bites just didn’t catch on in the general populous like it did for Cleopatra. Most people just over-dosed after just one bite. Lightweights!

After Cleopatra’s death, Octavian, who had seized the reigns of the Roman empire in the power vacuum following Caesar’s death, acted very jubilant at the news of Cleopatra’s horrible death. This was for public appearances alone, for he was truly quite saddened by her passing. For years he’d secretly longed to be a part of her massive, incestuous, asp-infested orgies.

Unbelievable Fact! The only other person to rival Cleopatra’s nuisance of form and grace was Helen of Troy who pestered the Greek King Menelaus to his end by getting kidnapped and starting inconvenient wars.

Cleopatra was breathtakingly beautiful, which was annoying. She frustrated many world leaders with her breathtaking beauty, which was constantly forcing these busy people to take extra breaths. How obnoxious is that?

If you liked this chapter, then buy the rest for $12. If you don’t, Cleopatra will proceed to come at ya.

Fuck You, Peter Singer

For some reason, all of the hate mail ever written to Peter Singer gets forwarded to us. We have no idea why. So we’ve decided to start posting them.

Dear Peter Singer,

Thanks a lot, you bastard! I took your advice at helping people’s whose needs outweighed mine and gave some poor bastards my house, my car, and my job. Now they’re still bastards and rich bastards at that. They’re always driving up and down the road with my Lexus, using my unlimited gas card, and throwing rocks at me, my wife, and my kids. They’ll actually stop by my cardboard box home and shit on it and piss on it laughing maniacally. I bet your philosophy didn’t see that one coming, you fuck.

-Homeless in Houston

New Hipster Historical Review: Google+

Hello, Dan von Dan here once again. I would like to apologize for my absence. I went on an extended vacation trip to Central America to do some hard-core spelunking. I’ve spent the past few months deep, deep underground. I was so far underground, the concept of forming a band didn’t exist and it was glorious. Though, it was much better before I discovered it.

However, no longer able to go out in sunlight without judicious slathering of sunscreen has left me indoors, in my basement, with a lot of time to kill. Going through my e-mails I find I’ve been invited to this newfangled Google+. Now, I would say I was into Google+ before you had a Facebook profile, but that would be dishonest. I was into Google+ back in the day when you were still using Yahoo to search the Internet on your 56k modem.  And, as far as social networking goes, I was into that when a social network was the list of phone numbers tacked on the wall somewhere near the phone, which had a cord.

And, the whole idea of circles, really? Are we really pretending that something Euclid was into is hip? They were approximating pi in 1,700 B.C.E. Try harder next time, after all, we’ve now turned wedding invitation and dinner party responses into a method of showing how much we like some banal tripe our friend presumes to have discovered.

Frankly, you’d be hipper standing underneath an elevated highway in the inner city than you would having a Google+ profile.

If anybody +1s me on this, you better bring a dish to dinner with you and your +1.