Prayers for Atheists

Originally posted on Atheism Resource.

-Dear Nonexistent God, which makes sense since you don’t exist, please don’t bother to bless our food today. For there is no reason for you to do so since you don’t exist–obviously. Please make sure that you continue to live in your nonexistent state for the way that you are portrayed in the Bible makes you sound like a very jealous, vengeful, and evil God. Praise Darwin!

-I would like to thank all of the people at the local grocery store for providing us with the variety of foods for which we choose to eat tonight. I would also like to thank the people who took the time to slaughter the pigs, the people who grew and harvested the potatoes, the people who grew and harvested the corn. I also would like to thank the Kraft company for providing us Hickory Smoked BBQ sauce and the Busch company for its famous Busch’s baked beans. In the name of science, praise Darwin!

-Dear Apocryphal “Virgin Mary”, I didn’t have anything to ask as a favor, just wondering what is so miraculous about being a virgin mother? As a lesbian, I will never have sex with a man, but have given birth to some lovely children thanks to in vitro fertilization. I don’t feel very miraculous. Anyway, keep being apocryphal!

-As I lay me down to sleep, I pray to random mutations my progressive change through generations to keep.

-Dear Adam Smith, please guide the invisible hand into my boss’ brain and get him to give me a raise.

-Dear St. Francis, I do not believe you have any supernatural abilities regarding birds, nor do I think that you maintained existence past your death. However, I realized that the act of praying to a person symbolic of birds might give me comfort regarding the fact that seagulls keep dropping little white bombs onto my car. So, don’t do anything about this since you can’t hear it and have no powers anyway, but I thought I should let you know (but not really).

-Dear Strong Nuclear Force, thank you for preventing the atoms in my body from spontaneously disrupting.

-Dear Weak Nuclear Force, I am not really sure what you do, but keep on doing it.

-Dear Lucifer, I do not believe in your nemesis, so you probably don’t exist either. But just in case you do, what exactly did you want to do differently than Yaweh? The Bible is none too clear on that. Anyway, I’ll let you go back to being a nonexistent scare tactic for Christians.

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Future Facts: Big Brother

The real problem present dwellers have is being on ‘the grid’. If you use email or twitter, then the evil federal government already has your thoughts on file. It’s very simple. If the government can break into your home without a warrant, then your liberties will erode, right? Therefore you should only buy things with cash. Or better yet, gold ignots.

I know, debit cards are a convenience so powerful that its not considered realistic to try and do business without them nowadays. But guess what? If you use one the government can track your purchases! If you did something suspicious like buy underpants, the government will know about it. Do you want the government to know that you wear clothes beneath your pants? Or what about that cabbage you bought for dinner? If you really think its a good idea to be public about that, then you can explain your subversive vegetables to homeland security.

This problem of Big Brother got really bad by 2024, especially in regards to airline security. What they did was just have randomly selected people do a little “security dance” It works like a rain dance, except it actually had a placebo effect on the passengers’ perceptions. Also, if it’s taking forever to get on the plane, there would be free entertainment.

People worry in your naively complacent time period about having your phone line tapped. Well, that will seem pretty tame once Big Brother starts tapping your kidneys. I warned you.

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New Hipster Historical Review: Christmas

By hipster historian Dan von Dan

So, it’s Christmas, that’s nice.  If you’re a sellout.   Quite frankly, I was into this whole Christmas thing back when it was called Saturnalia and pagans still sacrificed frogs on the solstice.   Seriously, it was all fine and dandy, lot’s of drinking, merry making, etc… Then along comes some disaffected Jews and a dude who wants to move his birthday then all of a sudden/a few centuries they’re ripping off all the pagan traditions.  Couldn’t even be bothered to keep the frog sacrifices.  I liked those. They had a certain indie appeal to it.

For awhile they kept the celebration under wraps.  The Puritans: amazingly good at it.  Nothing says good ole fashioned originality like considering Christmas an abomination.  Then again, that was short lived and along came the greatest sellout of all, Santa Claus.  For a while, he was scary enough. Germans are good for that sort of thing.  The death by medieval Santa was a nice touch. Coca-Cola couldn’t be satisfied though. Christmas wasn’t corporate enough for them.  Goodwill to all men wasn’t good enough for the corporate bottom line.

Instead, we get Criminal Santa, breaking in your chimneys, snatching your cookies up.  Worse yet, Coke’s little marketing campaign has resulted in forcing children worldwide to demand their parents buy them all sorts of useless trinkets.   And, unlike Santa, they’re expected to keep up this tradition of buying goods instead of sacrificing frogs into their adulthood.

Now, this war on Christmas thing.  That has potential to be something new provided those militant atheists don’t go mainstream.  Of course, they could step up their game a little bit.  There hasn’t been a single menorah bombing or Santa slaying.  It’s hard to believe, but it seems the atheists have less technology than the Palestinians who throw rocks at Israeli tanks.

My final ruling. Christmas, totally lame.  War on Christmas, granted I liked it much better as the Police Action on Christmas, still has some potential.

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The New Hipster Historical Review: William Henry Harrison

By hipster historian, Dan von Dan.

Hello again, this is Dan von Dan. Sadly, I imagine that most of you weren’t into history when it was called the present. Anyways, I suppose I shall entertain you pedestrian sellouts with the New Hipster Historical Review. This week we’re discussing William Henry Harrison, America’s hipster President.

First off, man was either a “do it the best” or “not doing it” kind of guy. Says, “screw it,” retires to his farm and refuses to do shit unless he’s made President. That’s the kind of man who doesn’t sell out. He was the oldest President as well, until Americans decided to sell out and start the trend of electing no-talent celebrities.

While some people would walk outside, find it cold and rainy, Harrison shucked mainstream fashionistas and refused to wear even so much as a warm hat, and not just for a dash to the mailbox or to pick up the morning newspaper, no, to give a two hour long speech. A speech in which he regaled his audience, not with his plan for America, but with a scathing critique of Henry Russell as a plebian, immigrant, and euro trash. Not content with a critique of the contemporary music scene, he went into a diatribe about how Germany’s failed 1848 revolution led to the rise of a militant Prussia under the leadership of Bismarck. He was further concerned about how such militarism would affect military alliances in Europe circa the turn of the century.

Harrison was smart and realized that the Presidency used to be cool, but after having been in office for almost a month the White House had really gone downhill. He contemplated continuing his term ironically, but instead decided to die of pneumonia. Harrison died well before it was cool. After that Vice President John Tyler took the Presidency and completely sold out. If Tyler were alive today, he would have been the kind of guy who would listen to Dave Matthew’s Band voluntarily.

John Tyler: Total douchenozzle.

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The New Hipster Historical Review: The Stone Age

By hipster historian, Dan von Dan

Hello, let me introduce myself.  I’m Dan von Dan—long “a”, as in “on.”  Get it right.  I was into life alert before your grandma needed a new hip.  Let’s just say that after a hard night drinking PBR and recounting bands that have yet to form, that I discovered I need somebody to come and help me up, because I sure as hell am not going to put my effort into it like some common sorority trash.

Anyways, that’s beside the point.  I’m better than you and that’s all you need to know.  I’d like to welcome you to my publication, The New Hipster Historical Review.  Anybody can learn about history, but most of you peasants aren’t nearly qualified to make a judgment one way or the other, much less have an opinion.  That’s why I’m here, to help.  You’re welcome.

First up, the Stone Age.  It might be hip to chuck it all, live in a cave, and sacrifice frogs while sitting around the fire drinking PBR these days, but it’s not too hip to be sacrificing animals when you’re trying to appease Kulahumaka (dot followed by swirly dash line above deer on cave wall), fly god of the hunt.  Polytheistic animal deities were cool, you know, before the discovery of fire.  Oh, and look at the cave men, cooking their food.  Oh, big advancement there.  You know, humans already had a solution for that, it was called an appendix.  They could have just manned up and ate their food raw.  Now we just have a vestigial organ that gets infected, blows up and kills us, all thanks to our Stone Age sellouts.

Speaking of fire, they couldn’t just leave it for its intended use: burning everything down to the ground.  No, our ancestors had to trash the art form and find all sorts of practical uses to help “the man.”   Tell me, how is warding off predators anything other than giving into society?

Our ancestors couldn’t even keep something like the wheel from going mainstream.  Round chunk of rock that did nothing and rolled away if you put it on an incline, completely useless and that’s why it was great.  Then some cave dweller with an eye for entrepreneurship comes along, shoves a stick between two wheels and brings the human race one-step closer to NASCAR.   Oh, did I mention that these were the same kind of people who thought agriculture was a great idea?  Yes, let’s just sit around and stick seeds into the ground—then cause a diffusion of labor and doom humanity to a widening hierarchy between the haves and have nots.

What happened to you, wheel? You used to be cool.

Homo sapiens are cool and all, but I was into upright walking hominids back when they were called Australopithecus afarensis.  In closing, the Stone Age was about as hip as your grandmother after she fell out of the bathtub, shattered her pelvis, and couldn’t press the life-alert button because both her arms fell out of their sockets.


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Why Buy the Cow?

Why buy the cow if you haven’t had the milk of 50 other cows?

Why buy the cow when there is an efficient infrastructure for milk delivery?

Why buy any animal? They’re just going to die eventually.

Why buy the cow when you can get some nutritious and healthy rice milk for free (let’s say you know a rich hippie)?

Why buy the cow when it’s the cow’s fetish to be bought before giving milk and not your fetish?

Why buy the cow when your farming experience is negligible and you are likely to alienate the fist few cows you get milk from by being an inexperienced milker?

Why buy the cow if you are a robot who requires neither food nor sex, thus making the metaphor void on both counts?

Why buy the cow if you’re lactose intolerant?

Why buy the cow when you live in a studio apartment and would have no grazing room for a ruminator?

Why buy the cow when you can digest grass on your own and don’t need a separate organism to act as a proxy for gaining those nutrients?

Why buy the cow when horses are on sale?

Why buy the cow when renting requires less financial commitment while freeing you of maintenance duties?

Why buy the cow when its already given its milk to like 80 other farmers?

Why buy the cow if you are a little goat-curious?

Why buy the cow? Why buy? Why do we exist? Why?

Why buy the cow when you shouldn’t call the other angus black or something?

Why not buy two cows? Its legal in Utah!

Why buy the cow if you cannot have your cow and eat it too? And an early cow to bed is healthy, wealthy, and wise, and a cow saved is a cow earned?

Why buy the cow if the metaphor breaks down?

Why buy the cow if you’re more attracted to the bull? Be honest to yourself about your sexual orientation.

Why not buy a cow that continuously gives you free milk? Where are you going to find another one of those?

Why buy the cow if it never lets you hang out with your friends anymore?

Why buy the cow especially if it talks about long term commitment, marriage, and kids?

Why buy a bottle of water when water is for free…crap people do that all the time never mind.

Why buy the cow just because it’s having a mid-cow crisis and suddenly wants calves?

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Future Facts: Video Games

Video games are vastly different in the future. First of all, we no longer strive toward realism. We have to deal with 3 nuclear wars per month and we got sick of post-apocalyptic and uber realistic violence because we have to live it. It’s a bit like if someone made a game in which you fight wih your spouse about finances. Too mundane. We like to have 8-bit, or preferrably .8 bit games.

One problem video games had in the 2010s is that they were nonlinear and interactive. There was no way of knowing if you played the game rightly or wrongly.

Since we lost all digital information following the EMP attacks, we no longer had our most cherished art–20th century movies. My favorite video game is a black and white, 3.2 bit, non-interactive Casablanca.

The reason for the shift towards low quality graphics is because we moved away from using consoles to using phones. And cell phones regressed until we were playing games on rotary phones and telegraphs. I am hoping to own a copy of Super Morse Code Bros.

Nintendo is just as popular as ever and agin’ ol’ Miyamoto is still lendiing his creative juices to the process. As he did in the 1980s to the 2010s, the inspiration for games comes from his life. Of course, in his old age he’s become quite mad. So now Nintendo has this whole series of games centered on collecting jars of urine and keeping the CIA out of your beard.

Of course, no video game collection would be complete without the pinnacle of George Lucas’ achievements–Star Wars Merchandiser. Play as a heroic George Lucas navigating the treacherous minefield of toy manufacturers and marketers.

People worried back in your time that video games might damage childrens’ ability to distiguish between fantasy and reality. Luckily, they were wrong. Instead, video games wound up only destroying chidrens’ ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality TV and actually also destroyed the actual distinction between fantasy and reality TV. Reality TV became so interactive that people at home could fire shots at the participants of Biggest Loser until they were hunted to extinction.

The other paranoid delusion that you had was that children would develop violent tendencies after playing games such as Grand Theft Auto. I guess they were wrong, because shortly after that wave of psychologists being murdered, we haven’t heard a word about this at all.

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