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Future Facts: Sewing Machines

Sewing machines have come a long way and they’re gonna be even more amazing. Just think: in 20 years how sewing machines won’t just be sewing your clothes, but they’ll be sewing up cats, humans, buildings with serious fractures, and possibly even rips within the fabric of space and time itself!

Once you guys start to understand the science of superstrings, sewing machines will be able to not just knit those buttons back on your shirt, but they’ll be knitting new forms of exotic matter into existence.

Sewing machines will be very advanced by 2020. If you have lacerations that go deep into your bowels, don’t call EMS, just put yourself under the Sewing Bot 3000 and in no time you’ll be fit as a fiddle or fit as some other more appropriate metaphor. Don’t worry about the Sewing Bot 3000 injuring you; if it does injure you, then it can just sew you back up! And if Sewing Bot 3000 becomes evil and tries to kill you, then you probably have given it a reason to be that way. But just in case it’s evil for purely evil intentions, just remember to have a Sewing Bot 3000-and-1 handy and close by.

This goes far beyond prosaic, boring repair work by the way. Future sewing machines can stitch together the fabric of failed relationships, repair the seams in a nation’s economy and help us put patches over our empy lives!

By the year 2025, sewing machines will be too advanced to operate. But don’t worry, the sewing machine will know how to operate itself. You can be rest assured as you sleep at night the sewing machine will be stitching up the proper materials that it thinks is proper to stitch. Since the sewing machines will probably not be human operated, they will probably have purely humanoid metal endoskeleton with a sewing mechanism attached to their abdomen. You’ll never have to worry about turning them on or off as they will have a 200 year life cold fusion cell powering them. All sewing machines will be operated by a central program called Skystich or Sewnet (it was one of those, can’t remember which).

In the future, if the self-aware sewing machines sew something that doesn’t need sewing, then it isn’t a problem. A sewing machine like the Sewing Bot 3000 will carry a 5 gigawatt laser that can quickly undo the stitches by burning straight through them. This laser might sound pretty powerful but it doesn’t produce anymore heat than the surface of the sun for more than an hour.

Some people think that the future holds nothing but malaise for all humankind – that we’ll live under some kind of technological dystopia. They’ll think again when they live in a world full of self-aware sewing machines that never sleep, never eat, never feel pain, never can be reasoned with, and much more importantly never can be turned off or destroyed, but just keep sewing.

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