Prayers for Atheists

Originally posted on Atheism Resource.

-Dear Nonexistent God, which makes sense since you don’t exist, please don’t bother to bless our food today. For there is no reason for you to do so since you don’t exist–obviously. Please make sure that you continue to live in your nonexistent state for the way that you are portrayed in the Bible makes you sound like a very jealous, vengeful, and evil God. Praise Darwin!

-I would like to thank all of the people at the local grocery store for providing us with the variety of foods for which we choose to eat tonight. I would also like to thank the people who took the time to slaughter the pigs, the people who grew and harvested the potatoes, the people who grew and harvested the corn. I also would like to thank the Kraft company for providing us Hickory Smoked BBQ sauce and the Busch company for its famous Busch’s baked beans. In the name of science, praise Darwin!

-Dear Apocryphal “Virgin Mary”, I didn’t have anything to ask as a favor, just wondering what is so miraculous about being a virgin mother? As a lesbian, I will never have sex with a man, but have given birth to some lovely children thanks to in vitro fertilization. I don’t feel very miraculous. Anyway, keep being apocryphal!

-As I lay me down to sleep, I pray to random mutations my progressive change through generations to keep.

-Dear Adam Smith, please guide the invisible hand into my boss’ brain and get him to give me a raise.

-Dear St. Francis, I do not believe you have any supernatural abilities regarding birds, nor do I think that you maintained existence past your death. However, I realized that the act of praying to a person symbolic of birds might give me comfort regarding the fact that seagulls keep dropping little white bombs onto my car. So, don’t do anything about this since you can’t hear it and have no powers anyway, but I thought I should let you know (but not really).

-Dear Strong Nuclear Force, thank you for preventing the atoms in my body from spontaneously disrupting.

-Dear Weak Nuclear Force, I am not really sure what you do, but keep on doing it.

-Dear Lucifer, I do not believe in your nemesis, so you probably don’t exist either. But just in case you do, what exactly did you want to do differently than Yaweh? The Bible is none too clear on that. Anyway, I’ll let you go back to being a nonexistent scare tactic for Christians.

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